How to Not Suck at Sucking Dick

If I had a dollar for every time some fag hag asked me, “Can you teach me how to give a blow job?”, I would be the richest cast member on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Seriously, I feel bad for you straight men who don’t use glory holes in rest stops because you guys must be getting some shitty ass oral from bitches.

This post is for all you straight women and gay men who need a little bit of help when it cums to pleasuring your man. I give you my “How To” on sucking cock and everything oral.

I remember my first time getting oral. I was 16, drunk and sprawled out in my bed during a hot summer night when the guy I was seeing came over and gave me the worst BJ I’ve ever gotten. I would’ve been better off running some hot water over my dick and be much more satisfied. I don’t know if he thought he was stroking a dick or peeling a banana with his mouth, but whatever he was doing was all wrong. His lack of saliva provided no lubrication to the smoothness of a good “up and down” sucking action. My shaft was forgotten and he was only focusing on the head of my dick. This oral was a bigger disaster since Mariah Carey starred in Glitter.

After kicking his bitch ass to the curb, I went on a journey. I was having an Eat, Pray, Love kind of moment in search of being the best blower ever. Since I could not find someone who could satisfy me with a blow job, I wanted to pleasure someone else by giving them the best blow job they would ever receive in their life.

After getting a lot of practice from giving head to both my priests and the married man next door, I had become a penis connoisseur. I was dating a black guy at the time and decided that he would be my first mission to accomplish. His dick was as big as a SmartWater bottle, but I conquered that dick like it was Mount Everest and finished him off with him deeming me as “the best head he has ever gotten”. I felt great.

Now, I, like a prostitute, never reveal my tricks, but I decided to show you horrible whistleblowers a thing or two. Take out your notepads cause things are going to get sticky!

1) Drink a lot of water (especially if you’re giving head to a black guy) or drink orange juice if you have a sensitive gag reflex.

2) Start off by placing his dick in your mouth gently and let your warm mouth start to ignite some sensation to his dick. The soothing warm feeling your saliva and mouth gives off is the perfect stimulation your man needs in the beginning. If you feel his dick is too big and you feel like gagging, slow down, but also remember that you can’t swallow a dick so reassure yourself nothing is going to happen.

3) Next, start by slowly bobbing your head up and down your guy’s penis and gradually increase the frequency in which your head goes up and down. If you’re up to the challenge, wrap your tongue around his cock by swirling your tongue around the head of the penis. Remember to breathe through your nose and go slow if you need a breath.

4) After a while of sucking, incorporate your hands and give your mouth some rest. Stroke his penis up and down in a “figure 8” motion. That means, rotate your wrist and move your grasped hand in a circular motion while you’re jacking him off. Increase your frequency if you can tell he’s about to ejaculate. Also, glide your fingers with a pressing action along the perineum, or taint, as it’s a great erogenous zone/g-spot for guys.

5) When you can tell he’s about to orgasm, go back to sucking him off with that same frequency and with your fingers pressed along his g-spot. But, if you can’t seem to suck at the same frequency, keep your mouth around the head of the penis while you continue stroke with your hands.

6) Enjoy the cum.

Now, you can either repeat steps 3 and 4 before you go onto step 5 to keep the blow job lasting longer. I suggest you do that because cumming after being edged for sometime is the best ending for someone receiving oral. Also, if you don’t like cum in your mouth, be sure to ask your partner “Are you gonna cum?” when you sense they’re about to ejaculate. But, ask that in a suave sexual way obviously. I always make sure the guy cums in my mouth after a horrible incident where the guy ejaculated all over my new Marc Jacob’s black v-neck. Semen is not cute against a black shirt.

Now, go out there and be a whore. I’m always here if you need to practice on someone… Just saying.

Smooches.

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