So, I love sex. Like really love it. Like I really really really love it. And, since you’re gay, you love it it, too. Unless, you’re a virgin, in which case, you really love your right hand. Having sex, whether you’re straight or gay, can be a very tricky thing. If you’re a virgin, you’re probably thinking, “Am I a ready?” or “Is the guy right for me?”. If you’re a slut, you’re thinking, “How can I be better?” or “Will he ever stop calling me?”. The answer is hard to find. But, I’m here. So take that last swig of your Appletini and get ready to learn how to achieve the greatest sex for you and your partner. Bottoms up, bitches!
First, for all you inexperienced, gay sex is anal sex. That means, a dick goes inside your ass. And if you are the person who takes the dick, then that means you’re a bottom and your partner is a top. Are we all caught up to speed? Great! Moving on. Your anus is a very sensitive area. I mean it takes all of your shit everyday so no wonder why it’s sensitive. I’m funny. But, just because your anus is sensitive, don’t be afraid to explore the realms of possibility when it comes to pleasuring yourself. The first two steps are for the inexperienced. If you’re a dirty, little skank, then move onto step three.
1) If you’re a virgin or curious about bottoming, start by slowly pressing your finger right beneath your balls, or your taint, and move south till you feel your finger enter your ass. Make sure your finger is lubricated – my personal fave is Vaseline because it’s a great starter to sexplore your body. As your finger enters your ass, play around. You can move it inside or just rub the outermost part of your hole – or as I like to call it, your man clit. If it doesn’t feel good, then you’re dead or simply identify yourself a strict top.
2) Once you’ve popped your own cherry, next stop is to brace yourself. For all you virgins, your anus is very tight and small. To get used to having a dick up your ass, you’re going to have to invest in a sex toy. Buy yourself a dildo or a vibrator that is small and slowly work your way up to a size that is not comparable to an Asian penis.
3) Once you’ve experienced something up your butthole, the next thing you have to learn is how to be the best bottom ever. The first step in doing this is learn how to douche. No one wants to fuck a guy with dingleberries. You are now ready to learn how to clean yourself. There are two ways: 1. You can buy a douching kit or 2. You can clean your hole yourself. If you’re the person who wants to go the economically-safe route, then you want to learn how to douche your hole yourself. There is a method that I’ve learned from Bryan Boy when we used to go at it like dogs at the park. When I was fucking him (I’ve been blessed with being versatile), I noticed that his hole was clean as shit – no pun intended. Once I came, I asked him his secret. He told me that he gets a water bottle with a flip-top spout, fills it up with water, and fits it as close as he can to his hole and then squirts water into it. I’m being totally serious. (But, gays, don’t do this if you’re not comfortable – invest in a douching kit otherwise.) After he squirted his hole with water, he would jump around until the water was clear coming out of his asshole. Genius! So do this before you fuck. You don’t want to be known as the “2 Girls 1 Cup” guy. Trust me.
4) Once you’ve cleaned up, the next part is technique. Everyone’s asshole is shaped uniquely so therefore you’re going to have to guide the guy on how to fuck you. First, always use lube (and a condom, of course). Lube is what’s going to keep your ass from chafing. I personally suggest Eros lube, but then again I’m a pretentious fuck. Get KY if all else fails. Once you’re all oiled up like pigs at country fair, you’re ready for penetration. When the guy first enters you, let him poke around and feel you on the inside. The best sex has got to be passionate so let him connect with you. If you don’t have connection or don’t at least act passionate, the sex is going to suffer like Lindsay Lohan’s career. So, after the both of you make a connection, you have got to then act like a prostitute and maneuver your ass and kind of push up on his dick. Next stop after connecting and passion, is dirty and raunchy. You have got to do your dance on his dick – to quote Tyga – or ride his dick until the position feels right. Work his dick into the shape of your rectum and soon everything will feel like euphoria.
5) The minute you learn to back it up on his dick, you and your partner will feel amazing. The fifth step to do now is to work your own penis. Don’t forget about yourself now. As your bouncing back and forth, slowly drop your upper body downward and press your chest onto the bed to where only your ass is in the air. Once you do that, you’ll see that your penis is wedged in between you and the mattress. With your body dropped downward, your ass up in the air, and your torso thrusting back and forth, you’ll notice yourself humping the bed which is incorporating your own penis into the mix. When you got this going, you’ll be ready to cum and so will he. You can always jerk yourself off, too, if you want to. If you’re fucking while standing, you don’t want to be pressed up against a concrete wall and hump that. So, plainly, while the guy is fucking you and you’re riding him like the cowboy you are, you can simply just jack yourself off. Or if you’re turned on your back with your legs in the air, the only option is to jerk yourself off. Duh.
6) TALK DIRTY! Nothing is hotter than hearing the reaction from fucking someone. If you’re not a talker in bed, then at least moan and scream. Do something. Otherwise you’ll be as boring than a Lana Del Rey concert. You can go from saying, “Oh yeah! That’s right! Yeah, baby!” to “OH MY GOD! YES FUCK ME! FUCK ME BABY! DO IT JUST LIKE THAT! YOU LIKE MY TIGHT HOLE? DO ME REALLY DIRTY! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CUM!” Mix it up if you want, but, never, I repeat, NEVER stay silent in bed. That is a major turn-off.
7) Cum. And let him know you’re going to cum. Nothing is sexier than hearing someone say, “Oh my fucking God, you’re going to make me cum.”
8) Reject his phone calls for the next week until he understands that he was just a one night stand and you just needed someone to fuck while your boyfriend was out of town. Okay, I may be personalizing on this one.
Once you follow these steps, that guy is going to want to go to all the marriage equality rallies so that he can legally put a ring on your finger and wife you the fuck up. I know this from first hand experience, I mean, why else do you think the HRC exists?