Halloween is most probably my favorite holiday of all. From the costumes to the drinking to the anonymous sex with the hot guy with abs dressed as a shirtless football player in the club’s bathroom stalls – everything is fabulous about Halloween. This year, Halloween is going to be extra fabulous cause the costumes are going to be ridiculous. There are so many costumes to choose from – and I’m not talking about one of those costumes that is basically a piece of string – I’m talking about those creative gays who wear something topical and outrageously funny which show them as being knowledgable in pop culture. Those other gay sluts who dress up as “Adam and Steve” are just good to look at or invite over for a casual threesome in the alley where the dumpsters are. For all you fags who don’t know what you’re going as yet for Halloween, you disgust me because this should be the event you plan your whole year around. But, don’t fret. I give you my top picks for the Best Gay Halloween Costumes in 2012!
Honey Boo Boo
For all you bears or just plan ol’ fatass gays, this costume is perfection. Nothing screams 2012 like Honey Boo Boo does. You better “redneckognize” that his costume will for sure help you win Best Costume at your local gay bar or gay club. Just be sure to say, “A dolla makes me holla!”, after you put those singles in that go-go boy’s underwear. Brownie points if you can work in a joint-costume with a fat fag hag and make her be Honey Boo Boo’s mother.
If you don’t know who this hot motherfucker is by now, then you should seriously go play in traffic. If there’s anything hot about the Republican party this year, aside from Mitt Romney’s sons, it’s most definitely Paul Ryan. the nominee of the Republican Party for Vice President. Just throw on your most glorious Gucci suit, Vuitton dress shoes, a red Prada tie and you’ve got yourself a winner. Except for the fact that Romney is going to lose because he’s a homophobic sexist who wants to take money from everyone – or as I’d like to call him: Satan. But anyways, regardless of what your stance in politics is, I want to see a hot Paul Ryan costume. All you daddies with hot bodies, this may be the only chance you get for scoring that prepubescent boy you’ve been eyeing on Grindr.
How will you know what costume to choose? Duh – be the ultimate diva, Whitney “Crack Is Wack” Houston. Get a crack pipe and learn how to say “Bobbaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” because this costume idea is sure going to kill – no pun intended. Whitney Houston has to be one of the most iconic gay icons and what better way to honor her than to be her. I know some queens who already think they are her with their diva antics. All you have to do is wear a gown, get an awesome bronze “Bob” weave, and put your hand in people’s faces. Brownie points if you make a Zombie Whitney Houston cause you’re definitely going to get a blow job from me in the bathroom this year.
The Dark Knight Rises was the most highly-anticipated movie of the year. I have personally seen it three times. The first two times cause I love everything about Batman and the third time was to jack off to Christian Bale during that dungeon scene where he was working out. Trust me, if you haven’t seen it yet, see it for that sole reason. My fave part of the movie was also bad bitch Selina Kyle cause she’s purr-fection. I’ve always felt that Catwoman and I are kindred spirits. Both of us are sexy bitches who use whips and leather when we see a guy. Selina Kyle is for all you twinky boys who enjoy a walk on the wild side. All you have to do is wear a tight black patent leather bodysuit, enormous stilettos, and talk like you’ve got a dick shoved down your throat. But please, if you’re even a tiny bit fat, don’t wear this costume otherwise I’ll be tempted to call you Fatwoman instead of Catwoman – got it? Also, remember to swallow – Catwoman always drinks up cream to the very last drop. Me-owwwww!
What’s my favorite song from Psy? Obviously, it’s “Gangnam Style” cause that’s the only song that literally EVERYONE knows. Even that old guy who fucked me at the retirement home knows Psy. Psy is the biggest thing coming from Asia since kids learned how to sew for $1 a month. To get the perfect Psy costume, all you have to do is wear a suit, part your hair, wear sunglasses, and act like you’re riding a horse – or a guy – or whatever that makes you bounce up and down.
If none of these costumes seem to work for you, just go as this:
Just promise to me that you won’t go as someone sober. I can’t tolerate that shit.