5 Most Essential Gay Items for Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane Sandy is coming, my east coast gays. And she is pissed! Most of you fags are off school/work which means she’s not a complete cunt, but still a bitch nevertheless. And because this hurricane is coming our way, that means that your power will most definitely go out. How are you going to watch the new episode for The New Normal? Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, I am furious cause this bitch also fucked my plans of fucking all these hot Grindr guys at 3:30 a.m. But, if I learned anything from my last encounter with a hurricane (and I’m not talking about the drink), it is to be prepared. So, for all you gays that are frantically wondering what you are going to do with no power for at least three days, I give you my “5 MOST Essential Gay Items for Hurricane Sandy”! Here they are:

1. Movies

Make sure your MacBook Pro is fully charged, bitches. Since the power is sure to go out, that means no WiFi which means, brace yourself, NO GAY PORN. Oh, the huMANity! To avoid jacking off to your ex-boyfriend’s abs and going down memory lane, be sure to have the best gay movies around you to keep you satisfied. My favorite three movies that give me all the pleasure I’ll need are Crazy Stupid Love, Brokeback Mountain, and, of course, Magic Mike. Crazy Stupid Love’s shirtless Ryan Gosling scene, Brokeback Mountain’s Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal’s sex scenes, and every scene from Magic Mike are what I only watch those three movies for. Just make sure you have a lot of tissues nearby.

2. Drugs/Alcohol

Seriously, you need that shit even when it’s bright and sunny outside. Now that the next couple of days will be like living in the 1800s, you need to have some guilty pleasures to help you remember your life is amazing and not dark like the room you’ll be sitting in. What better way to blackout in a blackout? DRUGS! I always keep an emergency pack of Marlboro Lights’s in my bedside table and a bottle of emergency Grey Goose in the trunk of my car. I, also, make sure I make a quick run to my drug dealer right before a hurricane to pick up some fresh pot. Whenever there’s a flash of lightening, I take a shot of vodka, and then whenever there’s a clap of thunder, I take a hit of grade-A weed from my bowl.

3. Lube

If you don’t already keep an extra bottle of lube in your bathroom, regardless of a storm, then you are just plain stupid. How else are you going to masturbate to your Magic Mike, Crazy Stupid Love, or Brokeback Mountain scenes? If you don’t have lube right now, go run to your nearest convenient store and get it. Now, bitch, NOW!

4. Fully-Charged iPod

I know you’ve listened to Lady Gaga’s Electric Chapel a million times already and what better way to explore some new great music than when you’re trapped in your home during a cunty hurricane? Make sure your iPod is currently charging and go and buy some great new albums that just dropped recently. My top 3 new albums for gays to listen to during your power outage and your high are as follows: Taylor Swift’s Red, Ellie Goulding’s Halcyon, and Iggy Azalea’s TRAPGOLD. Favorite song from Red is “22”, from Halcyon is “Figure 8”, and TRAPGOLD is “Demons”. Download Iggy Azalea’s album, TRAPGOLD, for free by clicking here.

5. Beauty/Spa Products

Now that you have like 2 days of total free time, what better way to spend it than keeping up with your manscaping? Some things that I always work on during a power outage are shave my pubes, wax my ass/asshole, trim my body hair, shape my facial hair, shave my unwanted facial hair, give myself a mani/pedi, avocado facial mask, and shape my eyebrows. These things are a must, especially before an all-night fuck session, so might as well get them all done and over with. Plus, the spa treatments are a great way to spoil yourself and enjoy what matters most in life – great skin!

Hope you all are going to stay safe during the storm. And to all my west coast gays who don’t have this problem of power outages and near-death experiences because of a hurricane named Sandy – FUCK Y’ALL!

Smooches.

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