Jessica Simpson’s career is somewhere rolling over in it’s grave right now. Her father, Joe Simpson, has gotten a divorce from his wife, Tina, because of his newfound sexuality. Joe Simpson, according to sources and close friends, has come out of the closet and declared his gayness to the world. Allegedly. Wasn’t he a pastor? Let the church say: HAY GURL HAY!
I mean look at this guy, he has a fucking gay face for fuck’s sake. Like how could we not have known. Whatever the case, I am ecstatic. He is one hot daddy that I would definitely worship if you get what I mean. Bow chicka wow wow! Sorry, Tina. Apparently, he and his newfound love interest, 21-year-old wannabe model Bryce Chandler Hill, caused the split between him and ex-wife, Tina Simpson just over a week ago leaving Ashlee Simpson lipsyncing how she feels and Jessica Simpson still wondering what the fuck “chicken of the sea” really means.
I mean, just look at Ashlee Simpson’s new hipster-fuck of a teaser music video she just released for her new single, Bat For A Heart:
Girlfriend is seriously a hot mess right now.
Many sources are reporting that Joe Simpson is in fact sexually active with Bryce, but Joe, his rep, and Bryce have all denied the story claiming that it’s not true and all false. I beg to differ. The story is so detailed that it couldn’t possibly be false. Like, how the fuck does someone make up that Joe Simpson is fucking that Bryce twink? Like who the hell is Bryce and why choose him above all other twinks? How do they know each other? Why do they know each other? It just seems like they are just trying to cover things up. It also seems that Bryce is probably getting paid to shut the fuck up and not say anything about his relationship with Joe Simpson. And take a look at Bryce (see below), he needs the money for a new look. His twink look is so 1999 that I could vomit.
But, Bryce isn’t the only guy that Joe Simpson has been fucking. Another fruit has come out of the darkness. Male escort, Joey Anderson reports that he, too, has had sexual relations with Joe Simpson claiming that his appetite for sex is insatiable! He reported that he was called to fuck the dog shit out of Joe for three hours. Now that’s what I call a good time. Bet you 20 bucks Joe screamed, “You make me wanna LALA!” right before he exploded all over Joey’s face. And did I mention that Joey also passed a polygraph test? Yeah, the man’s that confident. Anderson reveals:
“Over the course of two hours or so, we rolled around, kissed and gave each other oral. We’d take breathers and then start up all over again. He seemed to have an insatiable appetite for sex and never really appeared tired.”
Anderson said that Joe was very pleased with his services and even texted him to set up another play date. But, he’s fairly certain that this wasn’t Joe’s first time fooling around with a man. He states:
“Whatever the case, I’m probably not the only one. After being a family man, and a religious one to boot, for all these years, I’m sure he’s out sowing his wild oats with a bunch of boys. Joe has lived a lifetime of deceit regarding his sexuality. Before the dust settles, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about a lot more guys coming forward.”
Let’s just say from now on, I’m going to only fuck older guys. Lesson learned thanks to Joe Pimpson.