Category Archives: Freaky Fruit

6 Ways To Avoid Contacting Your Ex For Sex (NSFW)

I’m horny. Like, really horny. And very much so single. What does a single gay love to do when he’s horny? Call his ex. If you’re a self-respecting gay like myself, you can agree that contacting your ex for sex is totally not a good option. We all have been there and it never works out to our favor. Yes, the sex will be good and yes, his six-pack will feel amazing against your body, but there comes a time that we have to ditch our ex as our go-to for sex because it’s pathetic. Very, very fucking pathetic. Don’t feel alone because I’m going through that right now. Do I want to call up my ex, who I dated for six years of my life that has the most perfect body, to fuck tonight? HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH! Will I feel great afterwards? HELL TO THE FUCK NO. I’m here to help you, my confused friends. I give you my “6 Ways To Avoid Contacting Your Ex For Sex”.

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I’ve been dealing with this issue this whole week after I had a sex dream about my ex. We were riding on a motorcycle (Sounds very Lana Del Rey, right?) and we were naked together and very hot and sweaty. The next thing I remember is pressing my body all over his and feeling his rock-hard, sweaty body against mine. What was that? You’re hard? Yeah, me too. When I woke up from my dream, I couldn’t help but masturbate. Now, every single day I think about calling him at midnight to have him come over and fuck me till I have no more cum. But, ironically, that would be fruitless. What am I supposed to do? I tried googling ways to get over him, but there wasn’t anything for us strong, gay men. So, I used my own advice and created ways to get over him and the best part is, it fucking worked. Here’s how you do it:

1. Delete him from your life

Every now and then when you’re just checking your Facebook or Instagram, you see him. Whether you fucking like it or not or whether you want to or not, he’s right there. You can’t seem to avoid missing him because he just shows up on all your social networking sites. DELETE HIM! Not only do you delete him from your phone, you delete him from everything. Now, careful, he will see that you deleted him as a friend on Facebook or unfollowed him on Twitter, but there are ways to getting around his incessant posts and tweets. Simply, hide him. Facebook has this feature of hiding people from your newsfeed. Do it. My Twitter app on my phone, called Echofon, has a mute option. You don’t want your ex to think that you’re a psycho by deleting him permanently so simply hide him. That way he will think you’re mature for being friends with him via social media and that way you won’t ever see him. It’s the cyberspace version of running the other way in public when you see your ex.

2. Listen to inspiring music

When I mean “inspiring music”, I don’t mean gospel. I mean Madonna’s “Express Yourself” or Pink’s “So What”. You need these empowering songs to keep you from contacting him. These songs, at least to me, make me feel independent and self-reliant on myself to make me happy. Everyone has a song that makes me them feel awesome as shit and so powerful that they can run for president if they wanted to right then and there. Find your song that’s about ripping your ex to shreds. Besides inspiring songs, party songs also help me avoid thinking about my ex. Songs like Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” or Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” seem to do the trick for me. Whatever you do, don’t listen to that bitch Adele. She’ll make you miss him and go crawling back.

3. Exercise hard

If you already don’t exercise regularly, you need to be sent to Milan where they’ll make fun of your obesity and give you an eating disorder. As Elle Woods said it so profoundly in Legally Blonde, “Exercising gives you endorphins. Endorphines make you happy.” Exercising is not only great for the body, but also great for your mind. After my intense step interval or cardio kickboxing classes, I feel alive. I feel great. I feel like I can take on the day. Plus, exercising will help you feel less stressed and keep your body looking fit. You want to keep yourself busy and exercising is a great way. You can spend hours at the gym sculpting every part of your body and not know where the time has gone. Plus, you’ll get great results that will help you landing someone that’s even hotter than your ex. If you don’t want to exercise to keep you from contacting your ex, just please do it for the sake of everyone else that has to look at your cellulite.

4. Party harder

If there’s anything that I don’t do better than fucking, it’s partying. I would say that partying not only is great cardio but also great to keep your mind occupied from thinking about papers, projects, deadlines, or exes. If you want to not contact that certain ex of yours, you’re going to have to start to make plans and keep yourself busy. Get your friends together to get hammered at your local gay bar! If you don’t have any friends, call me. I’m always down to get drunk all the time. Some say I’m an alcoholic but doesn’t everyone drink alone in their room? It’s just when I’m completely drunk and hear my favorite dance song blare in the club, it excites every bone in my body. You need to party if you want to avoid thinking or even contacting that guy. Instead of calling your ex, call one of your friends and make plans.

5. Buy shit you love

Gifts always make people happy. Since you’re probably single and have no one to get you a gift beside your ex, get yourself a gift. Whether it may be some amazing clothes from Urban Outfitters, some greasy fast food from Taco Bell, or even a brand new BMW, do something for yourself that makes you happy. I personally love getting a makeover so I take myself to my favorite spa and get a smashed crystal and sea salt scrub pedicure and an avocado facial. Or you could go on Grindr and get a different kind of facial. Either one works best.

6. Masturbate

Self-explanatory. Here, I’ll help:

Hope this helps. Comment and let me know what you do, bitches.

Smooches.

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Grindr Is For Fucking – Not Dating: Part 2 (NSFW)

As we were sitting there in the lush and classy bar I had taken him too, L**** decides to fill me in on his life. I come to find out that he’s adopted from Russia and my immediate thought was that he is a spy. He then continued to talk about his childhood and how he came out to his parents. Talking to him was like pulling teeth. After each story, he would pause and wait for me to ask him another question. He wouldn’t take initiative in asking me a question. This happened consistently throughout the night. When I started to ask him about his family, he said something that shook me to the core.

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“So, do you have any brothers and sisters?”, I asked.
“No.”
“Oh, okay. Any cousins?”
“Yeah. And I’ve fucked all of them.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I’ve fucked all of my cousins.”
“I’m going to order another drink.”

After he told me how he fucked all of his cousins, his reached his second strike. Some of my friends told me that wasn’t sick since he was adopted and not blood related to any of them, but once I asked my friends if it would be okay if he fucked his brother, then they all responded with a “Yeah. You’re right…” I couldn’t believe how brutally honest he was – I mean I had to give him credit for that. But, too much info, girl! I was thinking of taking him back home and fucking the living daylights out of him, but now I was questioning myself. He was really hot and fucking a guy and his cousin was a fantasy of mine, but never once did I want to explore that in reality but to keep that shit on PornHub.

“So… Do you still talk to your cousins that you’ve – um – fucked?”
“Oh, yeah! One of them is my roommate. He keeps telling me he’s straight but I’m like ‘Dude, I’ve licked your cum off of your dick and know how it tastes!’ And let me tell you, his cum doesn’t even taste good.”
“I know exactly what you mean. I mean, not exactly, because I’ve never tasted my cousin’s semen but I do understand your disgust in horrible tasting cum.”
“Yeah. But, my uncle is really hot, too, but that would be wrong if I fucked him.”
“Oh, wow.”

At that moment, he yawned. I immediately saw this as a sign from God herself telling me to get the fuck out of there and run away.

“Oh, no. You’re tired?! Let me drop you home. Check, please!”
“Oh – um – okay.”
“No worries, we can fuck another time.”
“Yeah.”

I think at that point he realized that he had said a bit too much. Then, this motherfucker decides to tell me he didn’t bring his wallet. It was at that moment that he struck out with strike three. How convenient to not bring your wallet…

The car ride home after was an utter disaster. It was not only awkward because I ended the date, but this guy’s alcohol was kicking in fast. He was drunk and rambling on and on about tattoos. He apparently wanted a Russian mafia symbol tattooed on his spine, but then rationalized that he would be shot and killed because he felt the mafia would hunt him down for making a mockery of Russia. I was legit scared because he apparently knew the consequences of having such a tattoo and not actually being in the mafia. How does he know so much about the Russia mafia? Is the a part of the mafia? When is he going to kill me? My thoughts were cut when he proceeded to show me an app he got on his phone that simulated police lights.

“If you are ever behind a slow ass motherfucker, you should get this app. It simulates cop lights and the people driving in front of you will think there’s a police car behind them and pull over to the shoulder. They get the fuck out of the way and you drive past them. But don’t do this because you can be fined.”
“Oh, for like impersonating a cop?”
“No, for pretending to be a cop, silly!”
“You need Jesus.”

At that moment, I checked out of our conversation and the date as a whole. He started to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. It was right then, on our way back home, that my friend texted me to go out to the bar with them. I immediately texted him back and said I would be there right away after I get rid of Evelyn Salt.

As I pulled into his driveway, he leaned in to kiss me but I gave him my cheek. It was a rude move, but I was turned off and could not get wait till he left. He told me he would call me tomorrow and demanded that I text him once I reach home so that he would know that I made it home okay. That was sweet. I wonder if he says that to his cousins once their date is over.

L**** called me for two weeks after that and I continued to ignore all of his phone calls and texts. I then deleted my Grindr. He finally got the message and never contacted me again. Lesson learned. To quote Taylor Swift: Never, ever, ever date someone from Grindr.

Have any of you ever had a weird Grindr experience? Comment or tweet me @GayManPrblems or @TheGaylyDose and let me know!

Smooches.

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Valentine’s Gay 2013: What Should You Do? (NSFW)

As many of you cunts know, Valentine’s Day is just two fucking days away. All of my friends have been on Grindr more so than ever, grinding hard to get a valentine. But, seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t such a big deal to me. I mean, every night is like Valentine’s Day for me thanks to PornHub (Love you!). I don’t have to worry about buying him candy either and he’s right there, ready to play any fantasy out for me via Internet. As for me, I don’t have to worry about getting my valentine, PornHub, a gift this year cause he’s, you know, virtual, but the rest of you assholes have to get your valentine or boyfriend or “girlfriend” (That goes out to all of the down low breeders reading this) something. Don’t know what to get your valentine for this ratchet holiday? I can help. I give you my “5 What Not To Get/Must Get Valentine’s Day Gifts”!

What Not To Get

1. Candy

As if candy isn’t already damaging to your midsection, but to forcefully give it to your boyfriend is not a good idea. My friend Travis one time gave his former-fatass boyfriend Godiva truffles one year for Valentine’s Day and all of a sudden, his boyfriend relapsed. Three months later he became Carnie Wilson. I think his boyfriend was actually Carnie Wilson. Hmmm. Anyways, don’t do it unless you want to send a message that eating chocolates is sexy. You know what’s sexy? An eight-pack set of abs. If you’re going to get him chocolate, get him P90X to go along with it. Opt out for a bottle of fine wine or absinthe.

2. Cologne

I don’t know what’s more insulting – getting me cologne or telling me my ass stinks like a monkey? Let me just say getting your boyfriend cologne is just plain and utterly tragic. You might as well tell him that he needs to use his enema more often. Cologne could be a nice gesture if you got it for yourself and let your valentine use it on any occasion, but to get him L’Homme by YSL as a Valentine’s Day gift is just a huge NO!

3. Dinner

Dinner = food = shit = dingleberries = shit on condom. You don’t want to be that guy. Instead, eat each other out and call it a night. I wonder how many Weight Watcher’s points ass is? I’ll make sure to ask Jennifer Hudson when I see her.

4. Movie

You know what I hear when a guy asks me out on a date to the movies: “I don’t want to talk to you so I’d rather hear Russell Crowe sing like vacuum in Les Mis for three hours”. Yeah, going to the movies as a Valentine’s Day date was a good idea if you lived during the Prohibition Era. Fuck you if you take someone out to the movies for a date. What do you think this is? An episode of Full House? I repeat, taking a date out to the movies is a thing of the past!

5. Flowers

Nothing warms my heart than seeing a long, red dick. Notice how I said “dick” and not a long, red fucking rose. Flowers die in like a week and why would I want that? If I wanted to be with something that had a week left to live, I would date Hugh Hefner. No flowers and especially none of that Baby’s Breath bullshit. It just gets in the way. Baby’s Breath is the pubic hair of flowers.

What To Get

1. Massage

After a stressful day, your valentine wants to come home to his hot man, oiled up like a pig at a county fair, ready to get every inch of his body engulfed by your fingers and then you do the same to him. Doesn’t that sound erotic as shit? Well I just finished watching a Sean Cody flick that played out this same exact fantasy, but whatever, this massage gift still works. You can either give the erotic massage or hit up some lonely dude up on Grindr and ask him to pleasure the two of you. Anything your man wants and, trust me, he definitely wants this!

2. Thong

You haven’t been slaying for hours upon hours at the gym to just hide your amazing physique in clothes, have you? No, girl, you have NOT! Show your man what he’s been longing to see – you in a thong. Spice things up on Valentine’s Day with thongs and g-strings from your favorite sex shop and give him a night to remember. Valentine’s Day is all about love and let him spray his love all over your body. Oh god, that just made me hard.

3. Bubble Bath

There is nothing more sexy than taking a long, hot tub with your valentine. Just remember to not confuse the bath salts because you don’t want to have Walking Dead in your jacuzzi. Light up some candles, maybe a blunt as well, and get the bubbles bigger than Brent Corrigan’s bubble butt.

4. Sex Swing

Many of you have that common, kinky, gay gene that we cherish oh so much so doing sadomasochistic acts like handcuffing, rough fucking, or even my personal favorite, choking, is something you probably do on the regular when you fuck. Kick it up a notch this year with a sex swing or be prepared to be dumped on Valentine’s Day.

5. Threesome

I bet you’re getting sick of fucking the same guy over and over again and I bet he’s tired of fucking you. Use this loophole of a threesome to switch things up in your monotonous relationship. My favorite strategy to use to get a third person is to use Scruff. Scruff is the new Grindr. Grindr is the Facebook for gays while Scruff is the Twitter. Both amazing but one much fresher.

So here’s to an amazing Valentine’s Day. For all you singles who will be spending it alone, I hope your right hand at least calls you the next day.

Smooches.

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My 5 “What NOT To Do” Things On Grindr

Everyone knows what joys can come out from being on Grindr. From the great phone sex to the amazing nude pictures and even to the great hookups, these are all advantages of having a Grindr account. Now, if you don’t know what Grindr is, you need to exit out of this website and only come back when you’re gay. Have you seen any of the X-Men movies? You remember Cerebro? And how Cerebro can track down any mutant by just putting on the helmet? Grindr is Cerebro for gays. If you haven’t seen any of the X-Men movies, just Google “Grindr” bitch. Grindr is always a fun time. When I’m bored and can’t fall asleep at midnight, I don’t curl up with a book. I log on to my Grindr and see who’s up for a little chit-chat and which closeted married man is ready for a raunchy S&M session with yours truly. Calling all John Travoltas and Tom Cruises!

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As my years as an out and proud gay man progress, I have learned many things from the classy app of Grindr. The most important lessons I’ve learned are the ones that I will never want to repeat again as they are BIG mistakes. Luckily for you, if you take my advice, you won’t have to go through consequences like I did. To save you from great turmoil, I give you my 5 “What NOT To Do” Things On Grindr:

1. Don’t give out your phone number

BAAAAAAAAAD IDEA! I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “Duh! Why would anyone give out personal information?”, and you’re right. As for me, I thought that giving out my phone number wouldn’t be dangerous and probably would not end with me being in a body bag. Boy, was I wrong. I have given out my number numerous of times to random guys because I was logging off and I wanted to continue the conversation and nothing ever creepy had ever happened… Yet. One night, I decided to give my number out to this guy named Peter because we made a great connection which was backed by an extensive intellectual conversation. He was 45, filthy rich (Owned a fucking Lamborghini), and was married with a kid. I love a hot, rich, married daddy who wants to fuck. That is my dream fantasy. After signing off from Grindr, he calls me. I answer and we chat. I trusted him after talking for an hour or so and decided to drive to his house which was 15 minutes away. His wife and kid were away and we had GREAT sex. Like all of my Grindr hookups, after I finished cumming, I quickly got dressed and was headed out the door. As I slowly opened the door, I felt someone grab my arm. It was Peter. He, right then and there, professed his love for me. My hand was dialing 9-1-1 on my cell phone in my pocket. I told him that I was horny again and asked him freshen up in the bathroom while I was going to get in the bed so we could get ready for round two. As he went in the bathroom, I booked it to my car. Hell no was I ready to start a committed relationship with this guy. Now, he texts and calls me every week or so. This has been going on for three months. I tried to get a new number but then realized the hassle of telling all these people in my life my new number. He literally has told me that “I am his soulmate and he wants to have a deep relationship with me.” All this stalking and incessant texts/phone calls could have all been avoided if I just didn’t give him my phone number. Lesson learned. Stay on Grindr as long as you can. Only log off until you got the guy’s address and HIS phone number. Never give out your own, ask for his and then block your number when you call him to tell him that you’re outside. Got it?

2. Don’t send nude pictures to every guy who asks for them

I know, I know. Giving out your nude pictures is the reason why Grindr exists today. If you weren’t allowed to trade nudes, then you probably wouldn’t be on Grindr. I’m not saying to not do it, I’m just saying to not do it ALL THE TIME! I used to send out great dick pics coupled along with a sweet ass cheek, but not anymore. One time, I sent a picture of my naked body to a guy, let’s call him John, who messaged me asking for pictures. Turns out that John is friends with my friend named Troy and this guy is also my ex’s coworker. That cunt nugget showed my friend my naked picture and also showed my ex my naked picture. John knew that Troy and I were friends because he had seen me in pictures on Troy’s Instagram and thought it would be funny to show my friend. Asshole. But then, he didn’t know that he worked with my ex. So when he showed my ex my naked picture because he wanted to brag about my great naked picture, my ex told him that he dated me. The ex called me up all pissed off that I was whoring around with guys. You’re probably wondering why my ex would act like that but we can save that for my memoir. All in all: don’t send out your naked pics to every guy out there because since Grindr shows you guys who are local to you, you are bound to send those pictures to someone you have a connection to, unbeknownst to you .

3. Don’t talk to guys who are sketchy

See below (This is my actual personal Grindr conversation):

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4. Don’t use any terms of endearment

Like every night, I was chatting with sexy dudes on Grindr. This guy started out the conversation saying, “Hey grasshopper”. I thought that would be a one time use of the word. No. He ended up saying, “Send me those dick pics, grasshopper” and “I want to suck your cock dry, grasshopper.” I told him that I was going to “hop” on over to a new guy because he was creepy by calling me “grasshopper”. I felt like I was in a nature porno flick or something like “Look at that grasshopper with it’s beautiful green texture. Can you see that? And take a look at that massive cock dripping with cum.” Who the fuck was I chatting with anyways? The gay ghost of Steve Irwin? Next, please.

5. Don’t be bitchy

I feel that this happens A LOT on Grindr. And this has happened to every gay. No matter how hot you are, there will always be someone hotter to turn you down. Trust me, I’m sexy as fuck – I would know. There’s nothing like a swift kick to the balls when a guy says “No” right after you say “Hey”. Ouch! Fellas, am I right? And I have also been that bitchy queen who has also wrote guys off because I knew I was hotter and could get away with it. It was also a confidence boost! But, that’s not right. When I turned 21, I realized that acting like a cunt didn’t make me anymore better than those twats who would write me off so quick. Therefore, I decided to always ignore. Ignoring someone isn’t bitchy when it’s done on cyberspace. Ignoring someone in reality is. But on Grindr, it’s not. Yeah, the guy might say, “Thanks for ignoring me” or “YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE FOR NOT RESPONDING BACK! BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER! I HOPE YOU’RE DEAD!”, but rest assure that you are saving this guy the humility of saying, “No thanks” and the time and effort to explain why you are not giving him the time. Just ignore.

Here are two other personal Grindr Fail moments:

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Send me some of your favorite Grindr Fail moments by taking a screen shot and sending them to gaymanproblems@yahoo.com and I’ll post them! Do it and I’ll love you forever. Okay, calm down, it was just an expression.

Smooches.

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How To Be A “Top” Bottom

So, I love sex. Like really love it. Like I really really really love it. And, since you’re gay, you love it it, too. Unless, you’re a virgin, in which case, you really love your right hand. Having sex, whether you’re straight or gay, can be a very tricky thing. If you’re a virgin, you’re probably thinking, “Am I a ready?” or “Is the guy right for me?”. If you’re a slut, you’re thinking, “How can I be better?” or “Will he ever stop calling me?”. The answer is hard to find. But, I’m here. So take that last swig of your Appletini and get ready to learn how to achieve the greatest sex for you and your partner. Bottoms up, bitches!

First, for all you inexperienced, gay sex is anal sex. That means, a dick goes inside your ass. And if you are the person who takes the dick, then that means you’re a bottom and your partner is a top. Are we all caught up to speed? Great! Moving on. Your anus is a very sensitive area. I mean it takes all of your shit everyday so no wonder why it’s sensitive. I’m funny. But, just because your anus is sensitive, don’t be afraid to explore the realms of possibility when it comes to pleasuring yourself. The first two steps are for the inexperienced. If you’re a dirty, little skank, then move onto step three.

1) If you’re a virgin or curious about bottoming, start by slowly pressing your finger right beneath your balls, or your taint, and move south till you feel your finger enter your ass. Make sure your finger is lubricated – my personal fave is Vaseline because it’s a great starter to sexplore your body. As your finger enters your ass, play around. You can move it inside or just rub the outermost part of your hole – or as I like to call it, your man clit. If it doesn’t feel good, then you’re dead or simply identify yourself a strict top.

2) Once you’ve popped your own cherry, next stop is to brace yourself. For all you virgins, your anus is very tight and small. To get used to having a dick up your ass, you’re going to have to invest in a sex toy. Buy yourself a dildo or a vibrator that is small and slowly work your way up to a size that is not comparable to an Asian penis.

3) Once you’ve experienced something up your butthole, the next thing you have to learn is how to be the best bottom ever. The first step in doing this is learn how to douche. No one wants to fuck a guy with dingleberries. You are now ready to learn how to clean yourself. There are two ways: 1. You can buy a douching kit or 2. You can clean your hole yourself. If you’re the person who wants to go the economically-safe route, then you want to learn how to douche your hole yourself. There is a method that I’ve learned from Bryan Boy when we used to go at it like dogs at the park. When I was fucking him (I’ve been blessed with being versatile), I noticed that his hole was clean as shit – no pun intended. Once I came, I asked him his secret. He told me that he gets a water bottle with a flip-top spout, fills it up with water, and fits it as close as he can to his hole and then squirts water into it. I’m being totally serious. (But, gays, don’t do this if you’re not comfortable – invest in a douching kit otherwise.) After he squirted his hole with water, he would jump around until the water was clear coming out of his asshole. Genius! So do this before you fuck. You don’t want to be known as the “2 Girls 1 Cup” guy. Trust me.

4) Once you’ve cleaned up, the next part is technique. Everyone’s asshole is shaped uniquely so therefore you’re going to have to guide the guy on how to fuck you. First, always use lube (and a condom, of course). Lube is what’s going to keep your ass from chafing. I personally suggest Eros lube, but then again I’m a pretentious fuck. Get KY if all else fails. Once you’re all oiled up like pigs at country fair, you’re ready for penetration. When the guy first enters you, let him poke around and feel you on the inside. The best sex has got to be passionate so let him connect with you. If you don’t have connection or don’t at least act passionate, the sex is going to suffer like Lindsay Lohan’s career. So, after the both of you make a connection, you have got to then act like a prostitute and maneuver your ass and kind of push up on his dick. Next stop after connecting and passion, is dirty and raunchy. You have got to do your dance on his dick – to quote Tyga – or ride his dick until the position feels right. Work his dick into the shape of your rectum and soon everything will feel like euphoria.

5) The minute you learn to back it up on his dick, you and your partner will feel amazing. The fifth step to do now is to work your own penis. Don’t forget about yourself now. As your bouncing back and forth, slowly drop your upper body downward and press your chest onto the bed to where only your ass is in the air. Once you do that, you’ll see that your penis is wedged in between you and the mattress. With your body dropped downward, your ass up in the air, and your torso thrusting back and forth, you’ll notice yourself humping the bed which is incorporating your own penis into the mix. When you got this going, you’ll be ready to cum and so will he. You can always jerk yourself off, too, if you want to. If you’re fucking while standing, you don’t want to be pressed up against a concrete wall and hump that. So, plainly, while the guy is fucking you and you’re riding him like the cowboy you are, you can simply just jack yourself off. Or if you’re turned on your back with your legs in the air, the only option is to jerk yourself off. Duh.

6) TALK DIRTY! Nothing is hotter than hearing the reaction from fucking someone. If you’re not a talker in bed, then at least moan and scream. Do something. Otherwise you’ll be as boring than a Lana Del Rey concert. You can go from saying, “Oh yeah! That’s right! Yeah, baby!” to “OH MY GOD! YES FUCK ME! FUCK ME BABY! DO IT JUST LIKE THAT! YOU LIKE MY TIGHT HOLE? DO ME REALLY DIRTY! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CUM!” Mix it up if you want, but, never, I repeat, NEVER stay silent in bed. That is a major turn-off.

7) Cum. And let him know you’re going to cum. Nothing is sexier than hearing someone say, “Oh my fucking God, you’re going to make me cum.”

8) Reject his phone calls for the next week until he understands that he was just a one night stand and you just needed someone to fuck while your boyfriend was out of town. Okay, I may be personalizing on this one.

Once you follow these steps, that guy is going to want to go to all the marriage equality rallies so that he can legally put a ring on your finger and wife you the fuck up. I know this from first hand experience, I mean, why else do you think the HRC exists?

Smooches.

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Dating 101 for Gays

Dating can be hard – especially when you’re gay. When you’re young, you usually don’t see examples of what a good date is on in the media or you sometimes never hear about how dates go from a gay standpoint. What you do see is a man and a woman and how their gender roles function on a date. The man picks up the woman, he pulls the chair for her, and then woman leaves the man teased with a goodnight kiss on their first date. Typical, vanilla heterosexual first date, right?

Where were all the examples of a date when you’re gay? The do’s and don’ts of how to be? Who picks up who? Where is that in the media? No fucking where!

That’s why I’m here, you cunts. You all can breathe and read on how to make that first date explosive which shoots fireworks through your date’s penis and ignites a flame in their soul. Rest assured, bitches, cause here’s “Gay Dating 101”.

I remember going on my first date. It was very traditional in the sense we went to dinner at 7 on the dot and I was so fucking nervous. Would he like me? Would he find me attractive? What outfit should I wear? All these questions were racing through my mind. I, just like most gays, was confused on who the hell should pay for dinner – we’re both guys! At the end of dinner, we both kind of had awkward stares when the bill came. But, after a while of “No, I’ll pay…”, I ended up paying. It was so tricky after all, we both offered to pay, but I was much more stern on paying which he was totally fine with. Our roles ended up meshing together and we hit it off really well! Obviously, I fucked that guy outside the restaurant in the parking lot. In a nutshell, I realized “gay dating” was exactly the same as “straight dating”. Then it all clicked and I wasn’t nervous or afraid to go on another date.

Only there after my first date, did everything become kind of clear when it came to dating as a gay man. I felt it was easy and natural – that we didn’t have to submit to such gender roles society enforces on us when it comes to relationships.

When it comes to dating as a gay man, especially on a first date, it’s important to be natural. Your instincts and innate characteristics will take charge and fall into place accordingly with your date – only, if the date is a match. Obviously, you’ll know a bad date because you won’t mesh. Dating is universal when it comes to roles. You, just like any other gay man, lesbian or straight man or woman, will have the same problems when it comes to someone who complements you. Gender roles exist, but seem to not matter when you are finding your significant other because some women are dominant while some men are submissive. Dating is the same no matter what your sexual orientation is.

Also when it comes to paying for the bill, I say take charge – literally. Charge the bill to your card or at least offer to pay. I say anyone who offers to pay for my bill, whether you’re a man or woman, is immediately labeled as sweet and caring. If your date swoops in and demands that he pays, then let him, unless you feel much more dominant than him. For me, I would insist on paying but for others, you may feel a little bit more submissive and let the guy pay. It’s all about intuition and figuring out where you fall into place. Straight people may not have the problem with who pays but I’m sure at the end of a date when it’s two straight people, the goodnight kiss is usually a question. When it comes to us gays, the kiss is always wanted. Let’s be honest, if the date is good, I’m sure more than half of us will sleep on the first date and I’m including myself.

Let me break “gay dating” down, motherfucker. Here’s the 8 tips on how to be the best date as a gay man:

1) Never talk about your ex. Talking about your ex symbolizes that you still aren’t over them. So leave that out!

2) When it comes to ordering your food, choose something that’s non-breathy and non-gassy. It’s going to save your life when you have that goodnight kiss.

3) Stick to ordering 2 drinks max when you’re on the date. You don’t want to look like Lindsay Lohan’s AA friend.

4) Don’t be afraid to talk. Talk about yourself and try to keep your accomplishments to a minimum as you may come off conceited. Talk about fun, interesting things such as funny stories that are relatable to the topic. Being funny is a great ice breaker that charms your date at the very same time.

5) Be sure to listen very well and ask questions. Essentially, be engaging and not a fucking wall. Show emotions, laugh, smile wide – all these things show how you’re engrossed in the other person.

6) Insist on paying. Either be dominant to pay, if you label yourself as a dominant type, or let the guy pay if he persists.

7) Goodnight kiss or good-morning fuck is totes up to you. If you want to leave him with a kiss then do so, but if  you want to fuck then be my guest. That is totally your call. If the date was REALLY good – I would fuck. If the date was great – I’d leave him with a hot make-out session. If the date is bad – RUN!

8) Always – and I mean ALWAYS – text the guy after the date and say how great it was. That is a must because it shows how much you care which will make his heart melt. No matter what you label yourself as – dominant or submissive – a polite “Thank you for a great time tonight. I had fun and you are amazing. I would like see you again so let me know when the next time you’re free. Goodnight (insert name here), talk to you soon!” is the best way to show how classy and polite you are. Guarantee once you finish doing step 8, the next thing you’ll see is this on your bed:

These tips are definitely going to help you on your first date or on any date. So, be sure to memorize them and enforce them the next time you’re on a hot date.

So, gays, what problems have you encountered when it came to dating? Drop me a comment and we’ll discuss it!

Smooches.

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How to Not Suck at Sucking Dick

If I had a dollar for every time some fag hag asked me, “Can you teach me how to give a blow job?”, I would be the richest cast member on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Seriously, I feel bad for you straight men who don’t use glory holes in rest stops because you guys must be getting some shitty ass oral from bitches.

This post is for all you straight women and gay men who need a little bit of help when it cums to pleasuring your man. I give you my “How To” on sucking cock and everything oral.

I remember my first time getting oral. I was 16, drunk and sprawled out in my bed during a hot summer night when the guy I was seeing came over and gave me the worst BJ I’ve ever gotten. I would’ve been better off running some hot water over my dick and be much more satisfied. I don’t know if he thought he was stroking a dick or peeling a banana with his mouth, but whatever he was doing was all wrong. His lack of saliva provided no lubrication to the smoothness of a good “up and down” sucking action. My shaft was forgotten and he was only focusing on the head of my dick. This oral was a bigger disaster since Mariah Carey starred in Glitter.

After kicking his bitch ass to the curb, I went on a journey. I was having an Eat, Pray, Love kind of moment in search of being the best blower ever. Since I could not find someone who could satisfy me with a blow job, I wanted to pleasure someone else by giving them the best blow job they would ever receive in their life.

After getting a lot of practice from giving head to both my priests and the married man next door, I had become a penis connoisseur. I was dating a black guy at the time and decided that he would be my first mission to accomplish. His dick was as big as a SmartWater bottle, but I conquered that dick like it was Mount Everest and finished him off with him deeming me as “the best head he has ever gotten”. I felt great.

Now, I, like a prostitute, never reveal my tricks, but I decided to show you horrible whistleblowers a thing or two. Take out your notepads cause things are going to get sticky!

1) Drink a lot of water (especially if you’re giving head to a black guy) or drink orange juice if you have a sensitive gag reflex.

2) Start off by placing his dick in your mouth gently and let your warm mouth start to ignite some sensation to his dick. The soothing warm feeling your saliva and mouth gives off is the perfect stimulation your man needs in the beginning. If you feel his dick is too big and you feel like gagging, slow down, but also remember that you can’t swallow a dick so reassure yourself nothing is going to happen.

3) Next, start by slowly bobbing your head up and down your guy’s penis and gradually increase the frequency in which your head goes up and down. If you’re up to the challenge, wrap your tongue around his cock by swirling your tongue around the head of the penis. Remember to breathe through your nose and go slow if you need a breath.

4) After a while of sucking, incorporate your hands and give your mouth some rest. Stroke his penis up and down in a “figure 8” motion. That means, rotate your wrist and move your grasped hand in a circular motion while you’re jacking him off. Increase your frequency if you can tell he’s about to ejaculate. Also, glide your fingers with a pressing action along the perineum, or taint, as it’s a great erogenous zone/g-spot for guys.

5) When you can tell he’s about to orgasm, go back to sucking him off with that same frequency and with your fingers pressed along his g-spot. But, if you can’t seem to suck at the same frequency, keep your mouth around the head of the penis while you continue stroke with your hands.

6) Enjoy the cum.

Now, you can either repeat steps 3 and 4 before you go onto step 5 to keep the blow job lasting longer. I suggest you do that because cumming after being edged for sometime is the best ending for someone receiving oral. Also, if you don’t like cum in your mouth, be sure to ask your partner “Are you gonna cum?” when you sense they’re about to ejaculate. But, ask that in a suave sexual way obviously. I always make sure the guy cums in my mouth after a horrible incident where the guy ejaculated all over my new Marc Jacob’s black v-neck. Semen is not cute against a black shirt.

Now, go out there and be a whore. I’m always here if you need to practice on someone… Just saying.

Smooches.

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