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Grindr Is For Fucking – Not Dating: Part 1

I know all of you gays have thought about it. Is that guy showing up on Grindr your soulmate? From the plethora of guys constantly signing into their accounts every five minutes to see which headless torso has willingly agreed to fuck them tonight, Grindr is the place to be for sex. This time, against all my better judgement, I decided to go on a date with a someone from Grindr. At the end of the night, I am a firm believer in divine intervention because I came out of their alive. Here’s my story about my brush with death on February 16, 2013:

grindrlulz1

It all started when I logged into my Grindr account that day. At approximately 5 p.m., I got a Grindr chat from a guy named L****. He had told me how sexy he thought I was and I thought the same of him. After a while of chatting, I started to vibe with him. He was a cool, down-to-earth guy who was also three years older than I was which is a plus because I usually date guys younger than me or significantly older than I am. This time, I found some who’s a little bit older that had a great job and was really hot. After chatting for some time, we exchanged phone numbers and also some dick pictures. Totally romantic, right? It was like a Taylor Swift song.

When we got to talking on the phone, he seemed like a dream. He had a great, sexy voice that was coupled with engaging conversation. Talking to him felt so easy and effortless. The conversation rolled off our tongues with an ease I had never felt before with anyone off of Grindr. He was a go-go boy/stripper/model who moved from the city and lived 20 minutes away from me. He later asked me to come over that night. I immediately thought that this was a bad idea because I have never met up with anyone off of Grindr. To me, meeting up with a stranger was completely sketch. But, don’t a lot of guys on Grindr meet up even though they’re complete strangers? Even though I was scared shitless, I thought, “FUCK IT!” and told him I would come over that night at around 9 p.m. And he then texted me his address. Tonight was going to be fun.

As I was showering, I began to really think about what I was doing. Was I really going to go over to a complete stranger’s house? I had to tell someone I was going to this guy’s house just in case he kills me and no one knows where to look. I don’t want to be a missing person. Have you seen how ugly their faces look on a side of a milk carton? Not chic at all. I told my best fag hag the address and what was going down. I felt a little bit better and prayed to my Tom Ford sunglasses that I would be completely unscathed from tonight, before I left home.

As I pulled out of my driveway, looking fine as ever, I called him.

“Hey, I’m actually on the way right now. I hope that’s okay…”
“Yeah, that’s totally fine. I sent you the address. Did you get it?”
“I did. My GPS says it will be 20 minutes until I get there.”
“Okay, cool! See you soon. I’ll leave my door open for you so just come on in.”
“Um, okay, see you soon…”

I immediately thought, “DANGER!”, and tried to think of another approach of just waltzing in his house into my death trap. I had to keep reminding myself that what I’m doing is adventurous and would make a great table conversation at my next brunch. So, I decided to keep driving. I drove and suddenly felt better. I realized that if I had to die, at least I would die looking fierce in my fierce outfit. After coming to my realization, I was pulling into his driveway.

When I pulled in, I stumbled upon a nice house. It was big and in a nice neighborhood (Down the street from my ex, in fact.). I looked out my window and saw a shadowy figure in the top left window. It was him. He peered from his room and proceeded to come downstairs. I was nervous. This was all exhilarating. He then came to his front door and asked me to come inside.”No, no that’s okay. I’ll just wait here for you.”, I said. “Please don’t kill me”, I later whispered underneath my breath. He came outside soon there after and as he was walking over to my car, I was hoping he wouldn’t turn out to be another guy who was using a hot guy as his Grindr profile pic. I felt like I was playing with Death. But, to no worry, it was actually him. He looked so good in person.

“Hey there cutie”, he said.
“Hi!”
“So, where are you taking me in your beautiful car?”
“I was thinking we could get drinks. What do you say?”
“Yeah. Let’s go!”

As we got in my car, I started to feel more relaxed. This was fun. He had actually turned out to be him and I’m sure he was relieved that I turned out to be myself. I took him to a local bar but I guess local to him meant something totally different. Even though we drove literally 15 minutes away from his home, he had no idea what city, or for that matter, what fucking state we were in. He was so stupid and that was his first strike. When we got to the bar and ordered our drinks, we started to talk. That’s when I realized what a hot mess of a person this guy really was.

To be continued…

Catch Part 2 on Friday, March 8!

Smooches.

Oh. Hey.

So, gays, now that I’ve gotten somewhat popular (I mean I’ve been popular since I came out of my mother’s pussy), I’ve decided to actually talk to you, homos. This blog is going to be your gay bible. You want to learn how to give the best blow job? Cum here. You want to learn how to get that amazing v-cut you see on every Abercrombie & Fitch model? Click over here. You want to know why that cunt lord isn’t calling you back after a great first date? Knock, knock, HELLO, come over here! I’m ready to change your world and everything you once knew. Nothing is off limits and nothing will be omitted. Dating, sex, fashion, politics – we discuss it all. A revolution is coming, have you got your outfit together?

Smooches.

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