Over It!

There are so many things in this world that make me happy. Penises, nipples, spinning class, and kale are some of the things that make life worth living as a gay man. Even though this world is full of great things, it’s also full of bullshit that I am totally done with. “Over It” is going to be a segment that talks about things that I’m totally over a.k.a. that I’m sick of. Hopefully, you’ll be over them too after I explain why. If you aren’t, then I’m over you! Here it is:

Blackberrys

I was a fan. I used to have a Blackberry Bold back in the day when they were hot. Notice I used past tense. Now, Blackberrys have the same functionality and technology behind an actual blackberry fruit. They are a dead technology. So, throw away that Blackberry and that fax machine you probably have to.

Girls who watch sports

Please, bitch. We all know you watch sports to turn on guys. I saw you with your Ray Lewis jerseys at the sports bars cheering when the Super Bowl was on while you were chugging three beers. And I also saw you the other night in your little black dress on a stripper pole while sipping on an Appletini. You ain’t foolin’ nobody, hunty! Girls who are “into” sports are full of shit. Just because you watch a football game and scream right after everyone else screams, doesn’t mean you’re a fan. I would love it if you named at least eight players on your favorite sports teams and the corresponding referee calls. And, all of the dumb straight guys eat that shit up and find it sexy when they see a girl watching sports. You girls disgust me. By the way, why haven’t I thought of this strategy to pick up straight dudes at sports bars?

Hipsters

Stop riding your bicycles everywhere you go. Stop drinking organic carrot juice. Stop watching documentaries. And start showering, start driving your cars, and start wearing deodorant. You’re hot and all but I would like to tell the difference between you and the local hobo pissing in a water bottle. Thanks! P.S. Cut your long hair. The shaved head/short hair look is in.

Nightclubs

I love dancing as much as the next person. And I love pole dancing as much as the next go go boy. So, if I want to twerk in a mosh pit full of sweaty gay men I’d just go down to my nearest bathhouse orgy. I am SICK of all this little gay boy divas waltzing around my favorite D.C. gay nightclub with their fucking multicolored skinny jeans and plunging v-necks. I want to dance without you having to spill your drink, which you probably got from blowing a gay man who bought it legally, all over my new Prada velvet blazer.

What are you sluts saying “OVER IT!” to? Comment below or tweet me at @GayManPrblems or @TheGaylyDose and let me know!

Smooches.

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Valentine’s Gay 2013: What Should You Do? (NSFW)

As many of you cunts know, Valentine’s Day is just two fucking days away. All of my friends have been on Grindr more so than ever, grinding hard to get a valentine. But, seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t such a big deal to me. I mean, every night is like Valentine’s Day for me thanks to PornHub (Love you!). I don’t have to worry about buying him candy either and he’s right there, ready to play any fantasy out for me via Internet. As for me, I don’t have to worry about getting my valentine, PornHub, a gift this year cause he’s, you know, virtual, but the rest of you assholes have to get your valentine or boyfriend or “girlfriend” (That goes out to all of the down low breeders reading this) something. Don’t know what to get your valentine for this ratchet holiday? I can help. I give you my “5 What Not To Get/Must Get Valentine’s Day Gifts”!

What Not To Get

1. Candy

As if candy isn’t already damaging to your midsection, but to forcefully give it to your boyfriend is not a good idea. My friend Travis one time gave his former-fatass boyfriend Godiva truffles one year for Valentine’s Day and all of a sudden, his boyfriend relapsed. Three months later he became Carnie Wilson. I think his boyfriend was actually Carnie Wilson. Hmmm. Anyways, don’t do it unless you want to send a message that eating chocolates is sexy. You know what’s sexy? An eight-pack set of abs. If you’re going to get him chocolate, get him P90X to go along with it. Opt out for a bottle of fine wine or absinthe.

2. Cologne

I don’t know what’s more insulting – getting me cologne or telling me my ass stinks like a monkey? Let me just say getting your boyfriend cologne is just plain and utterly tragic. You might as well tell him that he needs to use his enema more often. Cologne could be a nice gesture if you got it for yourself and let your valentine use it on any occasion, but to get him L’Homme by YSL as a Valentine’s Day gift is just a huge NO!

3. Dinner

Dinner = food = shit = dingleberries = shit on condom. You don’t want to be that guy. Instead, eat each other out and call it a night. I wonder how many Weight Watcher’s points ass is? I’ll make sure to ask Jennifer Hudson when I see her.

4. Movie

You know what I hear when a guy asks me out on a date to the movies: “I don’t want to talk to you so I’d rather hear Russell Crowe sing like vacuum in Les Mis for three hours”. Yeah, going to the movies as a Valentine’s Day date was a good idea if you lived during the Prohibition Era. Fuck you if you take someone out to the movies for a date. What do you think this is? An episode of Full House? I repeat, taking a date out to the movies is a thing of the past!

5. Flowers

Nothing warms my heart than seeing a long, red dick. Notice how I said “dick” and not a long, red fucking rose. Flowers die in like a week and why would I want that? If I wanted to be with something that had a week left to live, I would date Hugh Hefner. No flowers and especially none of that Baby’s Breath bullshit. It just gets in the way. Baby’s Breath is the pubic hair of flowers.

What To Get

1. Massage

After a stressful day, your valentine wants to come home to his hot man, oiled up like a pig at a county fair, ready to get every inch of his body engulfed by your fingers and then you do the same to him. Doesn’t that sound erotic as shit? Well I just finished watching a Sean Cody flick that played out this same exact fantasy, but whatever, this massage gift still works. You can either give the erotic massage or hit up some lonely dude up on Grindr and ask him to pleasure the two of you. Anything your man wants and, trust me, he definitely wants this!

2. Thong

You haven’t been slaying for hours upon hours at the gym to just hide your amazing physique in clothes, have you? No, girl, you have NOT! Show your man what he’s been longing to see – you in a thong. Spice things up on Valentine’s Day with thongs and g-strings from your favorite sex shop and give him a night to remember. Valentine’s Day is all about love and let him spray his love all over your body. Oh god, that just made me hard.

3. Bubble Bath

There is nothing more sexy than taking a long, hot tub with your valentine. Just remember to not confuse the bath salts because you don’t want to have Walking Dead in your jacuzzi. Light up some candles, maybe a blunt as well, and get the bubbles bigger than Brent Corrigan’s bubble butt.

4. Sex Swing

Many of you have that common, kinky, gay gene that we cherish oh so much so doing sadomasochistic acts like handcuffing, rough fucking, or even my personal favorite, choking, is something you probably do on the regular when you fuck. Kick it up a notch this year with a sex swing or be prepared to be dumped on Valentine’s Day.

5. Threesome

I bet you’re getting sick of fucking the same guy over and over again and I bet he’s tired of fucking you. Use this loophole of a threesome to switch things up in your monotonous relationship. My favorite strategy to use to get a third person is to use Scruff. Scruff is the new Grindr. Grindr is the Facebook for gays while Scruff is the Twitter. Both amazing but one much fresher.

So here’s to an amazing Valentine’s Day. For all you singles who will be spending it alone, I hope your right hand at least calls you the next day.

Smooches.

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Ask The Gayly Dose – #1: eGrindr Mingle

Hi,

This bitch here ‘accidentally’ ended up in your blog after google-ing grindr dating. I met a guy there – on Grindr. I gave him my phone number so that we can “whatsapp” (One of the 5 DON’Ts in your blog…hahaha…wait…is it 5 or 8? hahaha). I kinda like him (that stranger in my real life) after chatting with him (like, only three days?). He knew that I’m a 100% bottom gay. I asked him out on Monday, saying that it is better to meet up before visualizing me as his ideal man. I don’t want him to have the feeling that what in front of him, which is me, after picturing how perfect I gonna be, is not who he think I am. He said “we are just friends. Why will I have this kind of feeling?” Is he trying to say that he’s not interested in me? Anyway, there is a date on Monday…gosh…what should I do besides remembering your 8 tips?

S*

Dear English As Your Second Language,

First, I have five, I repeat FIVE, “What Not To Do’s” on Grindr. Read it and comprehend it. But, you’re such a doll for asking me for advice so I won’t get started with you. Anyways, cunt, you can’t really like someone, especially on Grindr, after chatting for three days. Too soon to get into your feelings. Try and keep your heart away from Grindr. Grindr is to find relations not relationships. Remember that shit! Don’t confuse it for eHarmony or that godforsaken Christian Mingle. And he clearly just stated that you two are just friends. He doesn’t want a relationship. He’s plainly interested in fucking you. I’m assuming you must have a phenomenal ass which he cannot pass up. Fuck him and see if you guys connect and when I say “connect” I mean “click” not see if his dick is a perfect fit for your hole. Also, sorry for responding on Wednesday instead of Monday. I hope he didn’t steal your wallet. Let me know how your date went.

P.S. I suggest you get this before you venture out in the world of gay dating…

Smooches.

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My 5 “What NOT To Do” Things On Grindr

Everyone knows what joys can come out from being on Grindr. From the great phone sex to the amazing nude pictures and even to the great hookups, these are all advantages of having a Grindr account. Now, if you don’t know what Grindr is, you need to exit out of this website and only come back when you’re gay. Have you seen any of the X-Men movies? You remember Cerebro? And how Cerebro can track down any mutant by just putting on the helmet? Grindr is Cerebro for gays. If you haven’t seen any of the X-Men movies, just Google “Grindr” bitch. Grindr is always a fun time. When I’m bored and can’t fall asleep at midnight, I don’t curl up with a book. I log on to my Grindr and see who’s up for a little chit-chat and which closeted married man is ready for a raunchy S&M session with yours truly. Calling all John Travoltas and Tom Cruises!

grindraaron

As my years as an out and proud gay man progress, I have learned many things from the classy app of Grindr. The most important lessons I’ve learned are the ones that I will never want to repeat again as they are BIG mistakes. Luckily for you, if you take my advice, you won’t have to go through consequences like I did. To save you from great turmoil, I give you my 5 “What NOT To Do” Things On Grindr:

1. Don’t give out your phone number

BAAAAAAAAAD IDEA! I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “Duh! Why would anyone give out personal information?”, and you’re right. As for me, I thought that giving out my phone number wouldn’t be dangerous and probably would not end with me being in a body bag. Boy, was I wrong. I have given out my number numerous of times to random guys because I was logging off and I wanted to continue the conversation and nothing ever creepy had ever happened… Yet. One night, I decided to give my number out to this guy named Peter because we made a great connection which was backed by an extensive intellectual conversation. He was 45, filthy rich (Owned a fucking Lamborghini), and was married with a kid. I love a hot, rich, married daddy who wants to fuck. That is my dream fantasy. After signing off from Grindr, he calls me. I answer and we chat. I trusted him after talking for an hour or so and decided to drive to his house which was 15 minutes away. His wife and kid were away and we had GREAT sex. Like all of my Grindr hookups, after I finished cumming, I quickly got dressed and was headed out the door. As I slowly opened the door, I felt someone grab my arm. It was Peter. He, right then and there, professed his love for me. My hand was dialing 9-1-1 on my cell phone in my pocket. I told him that I was horny again and asked him freshen up in the bathroom while I was going to get in the bed so we could get ready for round two. As he went in the bathroom, I booked it to my car. Hell no was I ready to start a committed relationship with this guy. Now, he texts and calls me every week or so. This has been going on for three months. I tried to get a new number but then realized the hassle of telling all these people in my life my new number. He literally has told me that “I am his soulmate and he wants to have a deep relationship with me.” All this stalking and incessant texts/phone calls could have all been avoided if I just didn’t give him my phone number. Lesson learned. Stay on Grindr as long as you can. Only log off until you got the guy’s address and HIS phone number. Never give out your own, ask for his and then block your number when you call him to tell him that you’re outside. Got it?

2. Don’t send nude pictures to every guy who asks for them

I know, I know. Giving out your nude pictures is the reason why Grindr exists today. If you weren’t allowed to trade nudes, then you probably wouldn’t be on Grindr. I’m not saying to not do it, I’m just saying to not do it ALL THE TIME! I used to send out great dick pics coupled along with a sweet ass cheek, but not anymore. One time, I sent a picture of my naked body to a guy, let’s call him John, who messaged me asking for pictures. Turns out that John is friends with my friend named Troy and this guy is also my ex’s coworker. That cunt nugget showed my friend my naked picture and also showed my ex my naked picture. John knew that Troy and I were friends because he had seen me in pictures on Troy’s Instagram and thought it would be funny to show my friend. Asshole. But then, he didn’t know that he worked with my ex. So when he showed my ex my naked picture because he wanted to brag about my great naked picture, my ex told him that he dated me. The ex called me up all pissed off that I was whoring around with guys. You’re probably wondering why my ex would act like that but we can save that for my memoir. All in all: don’t send out your naked pics to every guy out there because since Grindr shows you guys who are local to you, you are bound to send those pictures to someone you have a connection to, unbeknownst to you .

3. Don’t talk to guys who are sketchy

See below (This is my actual personal Grindr conversation):

grindrriley

4. Don’t use any terms of endearment

Like every night, I was chatting with sexy dudes on Grindr. This guy started out the conversation saying, “Hey grasshopper”. I thought that would be a one time use of the word. No. He ended up saying, “Send me those dick pics, grasshopper” and “I want to suck your cock dry, grasshopper.” I told him that I was going to “hop” on over to a new guy because he was creepy by calling me “grasshopper”. I felt like I was in a nature porno flick or something like “Look at that grasshopper with it’s beautiful green texture. Can you see that? And take a look at that massive cock dripping with cum.” Who the fuck was I chatting with anyways? The gay ghost of Steve Irwin? Next, please.

5. Don’t be bitchy

I feel that this happens A LOT on Grindr. And this has happened to every gay. No matter how hot you are, there will always be someone hotter to turn you down. Trust me, I’m sexy as fuck – I would know. There’s nothing like a swift kick to the balls when a guy says “No” right after you say “Hey”. Ouch! Fellas, am I right? And I have also been that bitchy queen who has also wrote guys off because I knew I was hotter and could get away with it. It was also a confidence boost! But, that’s not right. When I turned 21, I realized that acting like a cunt didn’t make me anymore better than those twats who would write me off so quick. Therefore, I decided to always ignore. Ignoring someone isn’t bitchy when it’s done on cyberspace. Ignoring someone in reality is. But on Grindr, it’s not. Yeah, the guy might say, “Thanks for ignoring me” or “YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE FOR NOT RESPONDING BACK! BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER! I HOPE YOU’RE DEAD!”, but rest assure that you are saving this guy the humility of saying, “No thanks” and the time and effort to explain why you are not giving him the time. Just ignore.

Here are two other personal Grindr Fail moments:

2012-08-03_11-13-04

grindrcarlito

Send me some of your favorite Grindr Fail moments by taking a screen shot and sending them to gaymanproblems@yahoo.com and I’ll post them! Do it and I’ll love you forever. Okay, calm down, it was just an expression.

Smooches.

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Lena Dunham: Best Hunty In A Comedy Series

If there isn’t one thing I’m more obsessed about than manscaping, it’s motherfucking Lena Dunham. Lena is probably the epitome of every gay man out there – a hipster bitch who is overly compulsive about losing weight. One of my friends actually knows Lena and went to Oberlin with her (true story). One time she went to her house and got so high that they filmed this dinky little film called Tiny Furniture. When my friend learned about how Lena took all the credit for the film, my friend got pissed. I, on the other hand, applauded Lena because that’s what I would’ve done. I would’ve seized the opportunity of a lifetime and made a hit movie. That’s what all adventurous women do. Cue the hi-hat.

"Girls" creator and actress Lena Dunham poses with the award "Girls" won for Best Televison Series, Comedy or Musical at the 70th annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills

Like every gay and closeted man out there, I watched the Golden Globes this past Sunday night (P.S. You know who was on my best dressed list? Nicole “I-Was-Once-An-Anorexic-Pill-Popping-Shrew-But-Now-I’m-A-Mature-Upstanding-Citizen-Of-Society-Because-I’m-A-Mother” Richie. Sis was looking on point!). From the homos doing the set design to the in-the-closet lead male actors to Jodie Foster and Richard Gere, the Globes was THE gay place to be. I totally fell in love with Jodie Foster much like how she fell in love with Home Depot the minute she scissored a woman. In all seriousness, she delivered that poignant and beautiful speech with such poise and eloquence. Jodie, shopping at Birkenstock is a must. My treat!

nicole

Anyways, back to Lena Dunham. I literally was giving her a standing ovation when she won for Best Actress in a Comedy Series and when Girls won for Best Comedy Series. That show has given me so much life that I want to thank her by signing her up for Weight Watchers. She is a smart and beautiful woman who is also a HUGE ally for the LGBT community. Lena also has rallied for same-sex marriage legalization, appeared in an Obama campaign, and also has a sister who is an out and proud lesbian.

hbogirls

Lena is publicly dating Fun.’s hot as fuck guitarist Jack Antonoff and the two are wildly in love. Jack, much like Lena, is also known for his rallying in the gay rights movement by appearing in the NOH8 campaign. Even though they may be in love, the two are not getting married until one major thing happens. Lena said backstage at the Golden Globes: “I don’t want to get married until all gay people can get married.” Three snaps for you, hunty! So happy to have an elegant, influential, and passionate straight ally like yourself, and Jack, to help us fight for gay rights everywhere. Lena, you’re our new fag hag. Now, let’s be gym buddies and start a juice cleanse. What I’m trying to say is put down that donut. Also, hated the season premiere of Girls on Sunday. Love you!

lenajack

Smooches.

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Ke$ha Debuts “C’Mon” Music Video – Watch It Here!

It’s a scientific known fact that every gay out there likes at least one Ke$ha song. And even if you say you don’t, I know you do because you can’t escape the irresistible force that is this glitter-pop train wreck. Ke$ha’s latest album, Warrior, includes many hits including one of my all-time favorite Ke$ha party jams – “C’Mon”. Check out the music video below!

The video starts out with Courtney Stodden – I mean Ke$ha – Naomi-ing into her job all late as fuck (Trust me, I’ve done the same thing) with her boss, Ri¢hard (How clever), being all up her ass and harassing her. For some reason, I also saw “420” somewhere written but then again I’m high as fuck. Then some old man, who looks like the same old man from Grindr who incessantly messages me everyday at 2:43 a.m., is demanding for some coffee while being a total vagina about it.

Courtney – errr Ke$ha – has had enough with her job and the bullshit so she quits and walks out. She is then sitting on the bench outside when some Back To The Future looking car comes, which is driven by a guy in a cat suit, to rescue her from her mayhem. Then, it’s a glitter party that so references to drugs and her psychedelic sense of style. That’s it.

The End.

Even though one of the lyrics from the song is “I don’t wanna go to sleep, I wanna stay up all night“, I most definitely fell asleep during this music video because it was so unoriginal. Or it could be because I took one too many bong hits. Either way – FAIL!

That Ke$ha has some serious “creativity”. Like, c’mon Ke$ha, stop ripping off your other music video “Your Love Is My Drug” by just changing the hues and contrasts to produce a new music video. I see you, girl. Great song, horrible music video.

What do you cunts think?

Smooches.

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Oscars 2013 Nominations: My Everything

Fuck the Superbowl. This is real competition. The complete list of the 2013 Academy Award Nominees has officially been released and I’m as happy as a fat queen during all-you-can-eat Sunday brunch. Between Les Miserables, Lincoln, and even Zero Dark Thirty, I don’t know which film I’m supporting. And you must pick a side otherwise you’re a bandwagon fuck. Also, I imagine Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackson getting into a hot shirtless straight man brawl over their nomination. But, seriously, that has to be the gayest fight  since Azealia Banks and Perez Hilton’s Twitter war.

Here’s the complete list of nominees a.k.a. Lincoln owns:

Best Motion Picture

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
Lincoln
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Amour
Django Unchained
Argo

Achievement in Directing

David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Denzel Washington, Flight
Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook
Alan Arkin, Argo
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Amy Adams, The Master

Best Animated Feature Film

Frankenweenie
The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Wreck-It Ralph
ParaNorman
Brave

Original Screenplay

Flight, John Gatins
Zero Dark Thirty, Mark Boal
Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino
Amour, Michael Haneke
Moonrise Kingdom, Wes Anderson and Roman Coppola

Adapted Screenplay

Beasts of the Southern Wild, Lucy Alibar & Benh Zeitlin
Argo, Chris Terrio
Lincoln, Tony Kushner
Silver Linings Playbook, David O. Russell
Life of Pi, David Magee

Best Foreign-Language Film

Amour (Austria)
No (Chile)
War Witch (Canada)
A Royal Affair (Den)
Kontiki (Norway)

Original Score

Anna Karenina, Dario Marianelli
Argo, Alexandre Desplat
Life of Pi, Mychael Danna
Lincoln, John Williams
Skyfall, Thomas Newman

Original Song

“Before My Time,” J. Ralph; Chasing Ice
“Pi’s Lullaby,” Mychael Danna & Bombay Jayashri; Life of Pi
“Suddenly,” Claude-Michel Schönberg, Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boulil; Les Misérables
“Everybody Needs a Best Friend,” Walter Murphy & Seth McFarlane; Ted
“Skyfall,” Adele Adkins & Paul Epworth; Skyfall

Achievement in Production Direction

Anna Karenina
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Lincoln

Achievement in Cinematography

Anna Karenina, Seamus McGarvey
Django Unchained, Robert Richardson
Life of Pi, Claudio Miranda
Lincoln, Janusz Kaminski
Skyfall, Roger Deakins

Achievement in Costume Design

Anna Karenina, Jacqueline Durran
Les Misérables, Paco Delgado
Lincoln, Joanna Johnston
Mirror Mirror, Eiko Ishioka
Snow White and the Huntsman, Colleen Atwood

Best Documentary Feature

5 Broken Cameras
The Gatekeepers
How to Survive a Plague
The Invisible War
Searching for a Sugar Man

Best Documentary Short Subject

Inocente
Kings Point
Mondays at Racine
Open Heart
Redemption

Achievement in Film Editing

Argo
Life of Pi
Lincoln,
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty

Achievement in Makeup & Hairstyling

Hitchcock
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Les Misérables

Best Animated Short Film

Adam and Dog
Fresh Guacamole
Head Over Heels
Maggie Simpson in “The Longest Daycare”
Paperman

Best Live-Action Short Film

Asad
Buzkashi Boys
Curfew
Death of a Shadow
Henry

Achievement in Sound Editing

Argo
Django Unchained
Life of Pi
Skyfall
Zero Dark Thirty

Achievement in Sound Mixing

Argo
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Lincoln
Skyfall

Achievement in Visual Effects

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Life of Pi
Marvel’s The Avengers
Prometheus
Snow White and the Huntsman

The 2013 Oscars| 85th Academy Awards will air Sunday, February 24.

Smooches.

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Welcome To The Gayborhood, Matt Dallas!

There’s is nothing that makes me smile from ear to ear than someone coming out of the closet. Well, there’s that one thing but I talk too much about threesomes. Anyways, Matt Dallas, or has-been Kyle XY star, has finally come out of the closet and he is still one hot piece of alien ass.

Dallas came out via Twitter on Sunday and also announced his engagement to his musician fiance Blue Hamilton. What a fucking douche of name, right? I am super thrilled that he finally come out because everyone know how hard it can be. Plus, his coming out has put him in the spotlight after about 7 years.

Screen shot 2013-01-10 at 1.19.08 AM

This really shows off how hot his fiance and his beautiful dog are. I mean that’s the first time I’ve seen two “hot dogs” in between a man’s legs. Dallas is one lucky dude. Woof woof, bitch!

Smooches.

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What I’m OBSESSED With: Le1f

I’ve been a fan of rap music since I came out of my mother’s vagina shaking my ass like Lil Kim. Nothing gets me more fired up to steal shit from Urban Outfitters like a gay ratchet bitch than rap music. Being huge fans of Nicki Minaj, Azealia Banks, and Iggy Azalea, I’ve always aspired to be them. The one thing that I admire most about these rap bitches are that they are huge gay icons. Not only do they make great drag queens, but they show support to younger female rappers (Not really, they get threatened) and gay rappers (Cause they have no female friends). That’s when I stumbled upon this trap-music-making cunt named Le1f, pronounced “Leaf”.

His bitch ass just had to add “1” to his name cause that’s straight kunty. His song, “Wut”, has garnered huge internet buzz and thus created him a viral sensation. Not only does this fag know how to rap like a boss, his lyrics and beats are sick as fuck. And his look is fierce. My favorite part about his “Wut” music video is when he’s riding that white boy Pikachu. It sent a tingling sensation back to when I was a kid and fantasized about if Ash Catchem and Brock secretly hooked up while Misty was sleeping when they were on their way to Saffron City. Sorry, that was hugely nerdy of me. Hopefully, I turned on a hot nerd reading this. If I did, call me. Anyways, the video is fierce and has so much fierceness coming out of its ass. Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but Le1f kind of reminds me of Juwanna Mann, if Juwanna Mann and Rye Rye had a kid and it was raised by Busta Rhymes. Listen to all of Le1f’s music here!

Anyways, this cunt is my new obsession. Love or hate him, I think this bitch is going to go far as in far up my asshole cause he’s turning me on for some reason.

Smooches.

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Glitter-Fuck With Ke$ha’s “Warrior” Album! Full Listen Here!

I’m in tears. Sorry, let me rephrase that. I’m in tear$$$$$$$$$$$! Not only does my ex have an ugly as shit boyfriend now, but my main slut bitch Ke$ha has released her new album, “Warrior”, and it’s like drowning in a whirlpool of glitter that transfers you to a world full of snare drums, whiskey, and orgies. Sounds like my last trip on acid, actually. Listen to the full album here!

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Her new album is filled with reminiscent 1980’s hair band sounds layered upon hard-hitting dance synth pop music. It’s like Poison and Lynyrd Skynyrd mixed with Uffie and Grimes. This sound is not totally unexpected from Ke$ha (She’s a huge fan of rock, country, and dance), but it’s definitely a new sound that she has put on a record. From features with Iggy Pop to tracks produced by Benny Blanco and Dr. Luke, this album is sure a partier’s dream! Although the album doesn’t live up to her debut album, “Animal”, with every song being a hit, the album will sure get you dancing and twerking like a go-go boy. Feeling like partying and getting trashed? Play “C’Mon”. Feeling like chilling and smoking weed? Play “Wonderland”. Feeling like unleashing your inner strength and tearing off your clothes? The self-titled track, “Warrior”, will sure get your freak on. Twerk, bitches, twerk!

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My must-listen-to songs are: “Warrior”, “C’Mon”, “Die Young”, “Supernatural”, “Wonderland”, “All That Matters (The Beautiful Life), “Out Alive”, and my all-time favorite song off this album – “Gold Trans Am”. That song, which is featured only on the deluxe version, will definitely “make you want to have sex in your car”.

Here’s the track list for Ke$ha’s “Warrior (Deluxe Version)”:

1. Warrior
2. Die Young
3. C’Mon
4. Thinking of You
5. Crazy Kids
6. Wherever You Are
7. Dirty Love (feat. Iggy Pop)
8. Wonderland
9. Only Wanna Dance With You
10. Supernatural
11. All That Matters (The Beautiful Life)
12. Love Into the Light
13. Last Goodbye
14. Gold Trans Am
15. Out Alive
16. Past Lives

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What do you think of Ke$ha’s new album, “Warrior”? Are you going to buy it? What are your favorite songs? Comment and let me know bitches!

Smooches.

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