As we were sitting there in the lush and classy bar I had taken him too, L**** decides to fill me in on his life. I come to find out that he’s adopted from Russia and my immediate thought was that he is a spy. He then continued to talk about his childhood and how he came out to his parents. Talking to him was like pulling teeth. After each story, he would pause and wait for me to ask him another question. He wouldn’t take initiative in asking me a question. This happened consistently throughout the night. When I started to ask him about his family, he said something that shook me to the core.
“So, do you have any brothers and sisters?”, I asked.
“Oh, okay. Any cousins?”
“Yeah. And I’ve fucked all of them.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I’ve fucked all of my cousins.”
“I’m going to order another drink.”
After he told me how he fucked all of his cousins, his reached his second strike. Some of my friends told me that wasn’t sick since he was adopted and not blood related to any of them, but once I asked my friends if it would be okay if he fucked his brother, then they all responded with a “Yeah. You’re right…” I couldn’t believe how brutally honest he was – I mean I had to give him credit for that. But, too much info, girl! I was thinking of taking him back home and fucking the living daylights out of him, but now I was questioning myself. He was really hot and fucking a guy and his cousin was a fantasy of mine, but never once did I want to explore that in reality but to keep that shit on PornHub.
“So… Do you still talk to your cousins that you’ve – um – fucked?”
“Oh, yeah! One of them is my roommate. He keeps telling me he’s straight but I’m like ‘Dude, I’ve licked your cum off of your dick and know how it tastes!’ And let me tell you, his cum doesn’t even taste good.”
“I know exactly what you mean. I mean, not exactly, because I’ve never tasted my cousin’s semen but I do understand your disgust in horrible tasting cum.”
“Yeah. But, my uncle is really hot, too, but that would be wrong if I fucked him.”
At that moment, he yawned. I immediately saw this as a sign from God herself telling me to get the fuck out of there and run away.
“Oh, no. You’re tired?! Let me drop you home. Check, please!”
“Oh – um – okay.”
“No worries, we can fuck another time.”
I think at that point he realized that he had said a bit too much. Then, this motherfucker decides to tell me he didn’t bring his wallet. It was at that moment that he struck out with strike three. How convenient to not bring your wallet…
The car ride home after was an utter disaster. It was not only awkward because I ended the date, but this guy’s alcohol was kicking in fast. He was drunk and rambling on and on about tattoos. He apparently wanted a Russian mafia symbol tattooed on his spine, but then rationalized that he would be shot and killed because he felt the mafia would hunt him down for making a mockery of Russia. I was legit scared because he apparently knew the consequences of having such a tattoo and not actually being in the mafia. How does he know so much about the Russia mafia? Is the a part of the mafia? When is he going to kill me? My thoughts were cut when he proceeded to show me an app he got on his phone that simulated police lights.
“If you are ever behind a slow ass motherfucker, you should get this app. It simulates cop lights and the people driving in front of you will think there’s a police car behind them and pull over to the shoulder. They get the fuck out of the way and you drive past them. But don’t do this because you can be fined.”
“Oh, for like impersonating a cop?”
“No, for pretending to be a cop, silly!”
“You need Jesus.”
At that moment, I checked out of our conversation and the date as a whole. He started to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. It was right then, on our way back home, that my friend texted me to go out to the bar with them. I immediately texted him back and said I would be there right away after I get rid of Evelyn Salt.
As I pulled into his driveway, he leaned in to kiss me but I gave him my cheek. It was a rude move, but I was turned off and could not get wait till he left. He told me he would call me tomorrow and demanded that I text him once I reach home so that he would know that I made it home okay. That was sweet. I wonder if he says that to his cousins once their date is over.
L**** called me for two weeks after that and I continued to ignore all of his phone calls and texts. I then deleted my Grindr. He finally got the message and never contacted me again. Lesson learned. To quote Taylor Swift: Never, ever, ever date someone from Grindr.
Have any of you ever had a weird Grindr experience? Comment or tweet me @GayManPrblems or @TheGaylyDose and let me know!