Tag Archives: cum

Grindr Is For Fucking – Not Dating: Part 2 (NSFW)

As we were sitting there in the lush and classy bar I had taken him too, L**** decides to fill me in on his life. I come to find out that he’s adopted from Russia and my immediate thought was that he is a spy. He then continued to talk about his childhood and how he came out to his parents. Talking to him was like pulling teeth. After each story, he would pause and wait for me to ask him another question. He wouldn’t take initiative in asking me a question. This happened consistently throughout the night. When I started to ask him about his family, he said something that shook me to the core.

grindrlulz2

“So, do you have any brothers and sisters?”, I asked.
“No.”
“Oh, okay. Any cousins?”
“Yeah. And I’ve fucked all of them.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I’ve fucked all of my cousins.”
“I’m going to order another drink.”

After he told me how he fucked all of his cousins, his reached his second strike. Some of my friends told me that wasn’t sick since he was adopted and not blood related to any of them, but once I asked my friends if it would be okay if he fucked his brother, then they all responded with a “Yeah. You’re right…” I couldn’t believe how brutally honest he was – I mean I had to give him credit for that. But, too much info, girl! I was thinking of taking him back home and fucking the living daylights out of him, but now I was questioning myself. He was really hot and fucking a guy and his cousin was a fantasy of mine, but never once did I want to explore that in reality but to keep that shit on PornHub.

“So… Do you still talk to your cousins that you’ve – um – fucked?”
“Oh, yeah! One of them is my roommate. He keeps telling me he’s straight but I’m like ‘Dude, I’ve licked your cum off of your dick and know how it tastes!’ And let me tell you, his cum doesn’t even taste good.”
“I know exactly what you mean. I mean, not exactly, because I’ve never tasted my cousin’s semen but I do understand your disgust in horrible tasting cum.”
“Yeah. But, my uncle is really hot, too, but that would be wrong if I fucked him.”
“Oh, wow.”

At that moment, he yawned. I immediately saw this as a sign from God herself telling me to get the fuck out of there and run away.

“Oh, no. You’re tired?! Let me drop you home. Check, please!”
“Oh – um – okay.”
“No worries, we can fuck another time.”
“Yeah.”

I think at that point he realized that he had said a bit too much. Then, this motherfucker decides to tell me he didn’t bring his wallet. It was at that moment that he struck out with strike three. How convenient to not bring your wallet…

The car ride home after was an utter disaster. It was not only awkward because I ended the date, but this guy’s alcohol was kicking in fast. He was drunk and rambling on and on about tattoos. He apparently wanted a Russian mafia symbol tattooed on his spine, but then rationalized that he would be shot and killed because he felt the mafia would hunt him down for making a mockery of Russia. I was legit scared because he apparently knew the consequences of having such a tattoo and not actually being in the mafia. How does he know so much about the Russia mafia? Is the a part of the mafia? When is he going to kill me? My thoughts were cut when he proceeded to show me an app he got on his phone that simulated police lights.

“If you are ever behind a slow ass motherfucker, you should get this app. It simulates cop lights and the people driving in front of you will think there’s a police car behind them and pull over to the shoulder. They get the fuck out of the way and you drive past them. But don’t do this because you can be fined.”
“Oh, for like impersonating a cop?”
“No, for pretending to be a cop, silly!”
“You need Jesus.”

At that moment, I checked out of our conversation and the date as a whole. He started to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. It was right then, on our way back home, that my friend texted me to go out to the bar with them. I immediately texted him back and said I would be there right away after I get rid of Evelyn Salt.

As I pulled into his driveway, he leaned in to kiss me but I gave him my cheek. It was a rude move, but I was turned off and could not get wait till he left. He told me he would call me tomorrow and demanded that I text him once I reach home so that he would know that I made it home okay. That was sweet. I wonder if he says that to his cousins once their date is over.

L**** called me for two weeks after that and I continued to ignore all of his phone calls and texts. I then deleted my Grindr. He finally got the message and never contacted me again. Lesson learned. To quote Taylor Swift: Never, ever, ever date someone from Grindr.

Have any of you ever had a weird Grindr experience? Comment or tweet me @GayManPrblems or @TheGaylyDose and let me know!

Smooches.

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How to Not Suck at Sucking Dick

If I had a dollar for every time some fag hag asked me, “Can you teach me how to give a blow job?”, I would be the richest cast member on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Seriously, I feel bad for you straight men who don’t use glory holes in rest stops because you guys must be getting some shitty ass oral from bitches.

This post is for all you straight women and gay men who need a little bit of help when it cums to pleasuring your man. I give you my “How To” on sucking cock and everything oral.

I remember my first time getting oral. I was 16, drunk and sprawled out in my bed during a hot summer night when the guy I was seeing came over and gave me the worst BJ I’ve ever gotten. I would’ve been better off running some hot water over my dick and be much more satisfied. I don’t know if he thought he was stroking a dick or peeling a banana with his mouth, but whatever he was doing was all wrong. His lack of saliva provided no lubrication to the smoothness of a good “up and down” sucking action. My shaft was forgotten and he was only focusing on the head of my dick. This oral was a bigger disaster since Mariah Carey starred in Glitter.

After kicking his bitch ass to the curb, I went on a journey. I was having an Eat, Pray, Love kind of moment in search of being the best blower ever. Since I could not find someone who could satisfy me with a blow job, I wanted to pleasure someone else by giving them the best blow job they would ever receive in their life.

After getting a lot of practice from giving head to both my priests and the married man next door, I had become a penis connoisseur. I was dating a black guy at the time and decided that he would be my first mission to accomplish. His dick was as big as a SmartWater bottle, but I conquered that dick like it was Mount Everest and finished him off with him deeming me as “the best head he has ever gotten”. I felt great.

Now, I, like a prostitute, never reveal my tricks, but I decided to show you horrible whistleblowers a thing or two. Take out your notepads cause things are going to get sticky!

1) Drink a lot of water (especially if you’re giving head to a black guy) or drink orange juice if you have a sensitive gag reflex.

2) Start off by placing his dick in your mouth gently and let your warm mouth start to ignite some sensation to his dick. The soothing warm feeling your saliva and mouth gives off is the perfect stimulation your man needs in the beginning. If you feel his dick is too big and you feel like gagging, slow down, but also remember that you can’t swallow a dick so reassure yourself nothing is going to happen.

3) Next, start by slowly bobbing your head up and down your guy’s penis and gradually increase the frequency in which your head goes up and down. If you’re up to the challenge, wrap your tongue around his cock by swirling your tongue around the head of the penis. Remember to breathe through your nose and go slow if you need a breath.

4) After a while of sucking, incorporate your hands and give your mouth some rest. Stroke his penis up and down in a “figure 8” motion. That means, rotate your wrist and move your grasped hand in a circular motion while you’re jacking him off. Increase your frequency if you can tell he’s about to ejaculate. Also, glide your fingers with a pressing action along the perineum, or taint, as it’s a great erogenous zone/g-spot for guys.

5) When you can tell he’s about to orgasm, go back to sucking him off with that same frequency and with your fingers pressed along his g-spot. But, if you can’t seem to suck at the same frequency, keep your mouth around the head of the penis while you continue stroke with your hands.

6) Enjoy the cum.

Now, you can either repeat steps 3 and 4 before you go onto step 5 to keep the blow job lasting longer. I suggest you do that because cumming after being edged for sometime is the best ending for someone receiving oral. Also, if you don’t like cum in your mouth, be sure to ask your partner “Are you gonna cum?” when you sense they’re about to ejaculate. But, ask that in a suave sexual way obviously. I always make sure the guy cums in my mouth after a horrible incident where the guy ejaculated all over my new Marc Jacob’s black v-neck. Semen is not cute against a black shirt.

Now, go out there and be a whore. I’m always here if you need to practice on someone… Just saying.

Smooches.

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