Tag Archives: e!

What Would Ryan Lochte Do… To My Body?

Ryan Lochte is the epitome of every nocturnal emission to every gay prepubescent boy and menopausal woman. His eyes are to die for, his smile melts your heart, and his abs set your loins on fire. With that said, what other reason would I need to tune in to view the series premiere of his own show on E! called “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” last night? And let me tell you something, the show should be renamed to “What I Would Do To Ryan Lochte”.

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The series premiere of the show ended up reminding me of my ex: all over the place, full of stupid shit, yet I’m still aroused. The show was confusing because the first half was showing him partying and then the second half we get introduced to his family. Shouldn’t it be the opposite way? Then the episode didn’t seem to have anything to hone in on. Maybe because it was the first episode or maybe because Ryan Lochte is just ornamental and not functional. Ryan Lochte’s pitch for this show was definitely his abs because the show never fell short on showing us the beautifully, chiseled olympian body that he possesses. I definitely masturbated more than three times during the show. And maybe a fourth time when I masturbated to his 22-year-old twink of a brother fucking the shit out of me in his tuxedo shirt, but I’m not confirming anything just yet. 

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The only moments in the series premiere that made me so attracted to Ryan Lochte were his ab workouts after a night out of intense partying and the scene where he cried when talking about how much his family meant to him during the time he won his first medal. Seriously, nothing could have topped that moment. Well, maybe one thing and that’s Ryan’s bulge in the picture below.

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Anyways, the show seemed lackluster and I probably won’t watch it again unless it’s to touch myself on those days when I feel Grindr isn’t working out for me. Which means never.

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Smooches.

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