Tag Archives: grindr

What Would Ryan Lochte Do… To My Body?

Ryan Lochte is the epitome of every nocturnal emission to every gay prepubescent boy and menopausal woman. His eyes are to die for, his smile melts your heart, and his abs set your loins on fire. With that said, what other reason would I need to tune in to view the series premiere of his own show on E! called “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” last night? And let me tell you something, the show should be renamed to “What I Would Do To Ryan Lochte”.

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The series premiere of the show ended up reminding me of my ex: all over the place, full of stupid shit, yet I’m still aroused. The show was confusing because the first half was showing him partying and then the second half we get introduced to his family. Shouldn’t it be the opposite way? Then the episode didn’t seem to have anything to hone in on. Maybe because it was the first episode or maybe because Ryan Lochte is just ornamental and not functional. Ryan Lochte’s pitch for this show was definitely his abs because the show never fell short on showing us the beautifully, chiseled olympian body that he possesses. I definitely masturbated more than three times during the show. And maybe a fourth time when I masturbated to his 22-year-old twink of a brother fucking the shit out of me in his tuxedo shirt, but I’m not confirming anything just yet. 

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The only moments in the series premiere that made me so attracted to Ryan Lochte were his ab workouts after a night out of intense partying and the scene where he cried when talking about how much his family meant to him during the time he won his first medal. Seriously, nothing could have topped that moment. Well, maybe one thing and that’s Ryan’s bulge in the picture below.

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Anyways, the show seemed lackluster and I probably won’t watch it again unless it’s to touch myself on those days when I feel Grindr isn’t working out for me. Which means never.

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Smooches.

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6 Ways To Avoid Contacting Your Ex For Sex (NSFW)

I’m horny. Like, really horny. And very much so single. What does a single gay love to do when he’s horny? Call his ex. If you’re a self-respecting gay like myself, you can agree that contacting your ex for sex is totally not a good option. We all have been there and it never works out to our favor. Yes, the sex will be good and yes, his six-pack will feel amazing against your body, but there comes a time that we have to ditch our ex as our go-to for sex because it’s pathetic. Very, very fucking pathetic. Don’t feel alone because I’m going through that right now. Do I want to call up my ex, who I dated for six years of my life that has the most perfect body, to fuck tonight? HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH! Will I feel great afterwards? HELL TO THE FUCK NO. I’m here to help you, my confused friends. I give you my “6 Ways To Avoid Contacting Your Ex For Sex”.

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I’ve been dealing with this issue this whole week after I had a sex dream about my ex. We were riding on a motorcycle (Sounds very Lana Del Rey, right?) and we were naked together and very hot and sweaty. The next thing I remember is pressing my body all over his and feeling his rock-hard, sweaty body against mine. What was that? You’re hard? Yeah, me too. When I woke up from my dream, I couldn’t help but masturbate. Now, every single day I think about calling him at midnight to have him come over and fuck me till I have no more cum. But, ironically, that would be fruitless. What am I supposed to do? I tried googling ways to get over him, but there wasn’t anything for us strong, gay men. So, I used my own advice and created ways to get over him and the best part is, it fucking worked. Here’s how you do it:

1. Delete him from your life

Every now and then when you’re just checking your Facebook or Instagram, you see him. Whether you fucking like it or not or whether you want to or not, he’s right there. You can’t seem to avoid missing him because he just shows up on all your social networking sites. DELETE HIM! Not only do you delete him from your phone, you delete him from everything. Now, careful, he will see that you deleted him as a friend on Facebook or unfollowed him on Twitter, but there are ways to getting around his incessant posts and tweets. Simply, hide him. Facebook has this feature of hiding people from your newsfeed. Do it. My Twitter app on my phone, called Echofon, has a mute option. You don’t want your ex to think that you’re a psycho by deleting him permanently so simply hide him. That way he will think you’re mature for being friends with him via social media and that way you won’t ever see him. It’s the cyberspace version of running the other way in public when you see your ex.

2. Listen to inspiring music

When I mean “inspiring music”, I don’t mean gospel. I mean Madonna’s “Express Yourself” or Pink’s “So What”. You need these empowering songs to keep you from contacting him. These songs, at least to me, make me feel independent and self-reliant on myself to make me happy. Everyone has a song that makes me them feel awesome as shit and so powerful that they can run for president if they wanted to right then and there. Find your song that’s about ripping your ex to shreds. Besides inspiring songs, party songs also help me avoid thinking about my ex. Songs like Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” or Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” seem to do the trick for me. Whatever you do, don’t listen to that bitch Adele. She’ll make you miss him and go crawling back.

3. Exercise hard

If you already don’t exercise regularly, you need to be sent to Milan where they’ll make fun of your obesity and give you an eating disorder. As Elle Woods said it so profoundly in Legally Blonde, “Exercising gives you endorphins. Endorphines make you happy.” Exercising is not only great for the body, but also great for your mind. After my intense step interval or cardio kickboxing classes, I feel alive. I feel great. I feel like I can take on the day. Plus, exercising will help you feel less stressed and keep your body looking fit. You want to keep yourself busy and exercising is a great way. You can spend hours at the gym sculpting every part of your body and not know where the time has gone. Plus, you’ll get great results that will help you landing someone that’s even hotter than your ex. If you don’t want to exercise to keep you from contacting your ex, just please do it for the sake of everyone else that has to look at your cellulite.

4. Party harder

If there’s anything that I don’t do better than fucking, it’s partying. I would say that partying not only is great cardio but also great to keep your mind occupied from thinking about papers, projects, deadlines, or exes. If you want to not contact that certain ex of yours, you’re going to have to start to make plans and keep yourself busy. Get your friends together to get hammered at your local gay bar! If you don’t have any friends, call me. I’m always down to get drunk all the time. Some say I’m an alcoholic but doesn’t everyone drink alone in their room? It’s just when I’m completely drunk and hear my favorite dance song blare in the club, it excites every bone in my body. You need to party if you want to avoid thinking or even contacting that guy. Instead of calling your ex, call one of your friends and make plans.

5. Buy shit you love

Gifts always make people happy. Since you’re probably single and have no one to get you a gift beside your ex, get yourself a gift. Whether it may be some amazing clothes from Urban Outfitters, some greasy fast food from Taco Bell, or even a brand new BMW, do something for yourself that makes you happy. I personally love getting a makeover so I take myself to my favorite spa and get a smashed crystal and sea salt scrub pedicure and an avocado facial. Or you could go on Grindr and get a different kind of facial. Either one works best.

6. Masturbate

Self-explanatory. Here, I’ll help:

Hope this helps. Comment and let me know what you do, bitches.

Smooches.

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Grindr Is For Fucking – Not Dating: Part 2 (NSFW)

As we were sitting there in the lush and classy bar I had taken him too, L**** decides to fill me in on his life. I come to find out that he’s adopted from Russia and my immediate thought was that he is a spy. He then continued to talk about his childhood and how he came out to his parents. Talking to him was like pulling teeth. After each story, he would pause and wait for me to ask him another question. He wouldn’t take initiative in asking me a question. This happened consistently throughout the night. When I started to ask him about his family, he said something that shook me to the core.

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“So, do you have any brothers and sisters?”, I asked.
“No.”
“Oh, okay. Any cousins?”
“Yeah. And I’ve fucked all of them.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I’ve fucked all of my cousins.”
“I’m going to order another drink.”

After he told me how he fucked all of his cousins, his reached his second strike. Some of my friends told me that wasn’t sick since he was adopted and not blood related to any of them, but once I asked my friends if it would be okay if he fucked his brother, then they all responded with a “Yeah. You’re right…” I couldn’t believe how brutally honest he was – I mean I had to give him credit for that. But, too much info, girl! I was thinking of taking him back home and fucking the living daylights out of him, but now I was questioning myself. He was really hot and fucking a guy and his cousin was a fantasy of mine, but never once did I want to explore that in reality but to keep that shit on PornHub.

“So… Do you still talk to your cousins that you’ve – um – fucked?”
“Oh, yeah! One of them is my roommate. He keeps telling me he’s straight but I’m like ‘Dude, I’ve licked your cum off of your dick and know how it tastes!’ And let me tell you, his cum doesn’t even taste good.”
“I know exactly what you mean. I mean, not exactly, because I’ve never tasted my cousin’s semen but I do understand your disgust in horrible tasting cum.”
“Yeah. But, my uncle is really hot, too, but that would be wrong if I fucked him.”
“Oh, wow.”

At that moment, he yawned. I immediately saw this as a sign from God herself telling me to get the fuck out of there and run away.

“Oh, no. You’re tired?! Let me drop you home. Check, please!”
“Oh – um – okay.”
“No worries, we can fuck another time.”
“Yeah.”

I think at that point he realized that he had said a bit too much. Then, this motherfucker decides to tell me he didn’t bring his wallet. It was at that moment that he struck out with strike three. How convenient to not bring your wallet…

The car ride home after was an utter disaster. It was not only awkward because I ended the date, but this guy’s alcohol was kicking in fast. He was drunk and rambling on and on about tattoos. He apparently wanted a Russian mafia symbol tattooed on his spine, but then rationalized that he would be shot and killed because he felt the mafia would hunt him down for making a mockery of Russia. I was legit scared because he apparently knew the consequences of having such a tattoo and not actually being in the mafia. How does he know so much about the Russia mafia? Is the a part of the mafia? When is he going to kill me? My thoughts were cut when he proceeded to show me an app he got on his phone that simulated police lights.

“If you are ever behind a slow ass motherfucker, you should get this app. It simulates cop lights and the people driving in front of you will think there’s a police car behind them and pull over to the shoulder. They get the fuck out of the way and you drive past them. But don’t do this because you can be fined.”
“Oh, for like impersonating a cop?”
“No, for pretending to be a cop, silly!”
“You need Jesus.”

At that moment, I checked out of our conversation and the date as a whole. He started to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. It was right then, on our way back home, that my friend texted me to go out to the bar with them. I immediately texted him back and said I would be there right away after I get rid of Evelyn Salt.

As I pulled into his driveway, he leaned in to kiss me but I gave him my cheek. It was a rude move, but I was turned off and could not get wait till he left. He told me he would call me tomorrow and demanded that I text him once I reach home so that he would know that I made it home okay. That was sweet. I wonder if he says that to his cousins once their date is over.

L**** called me for two weeks after that and I continued to ignore all of his phone calls and texts. I then deleted my Grindr. He finally got the message and never contacted me again. Lesson learned. To quote Taylor Swift: Never, ever, ever date someone from Grindr.

Have any of you ever had a weird Grindr experience? Comment or tweet me @GayManPrblems or @TheGaylyDose and let me know!

Smooches.

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Valentine’s Gay 2013: What Should You Do? (NSFW)

As many of you cunts know, Valentine’s Day is just two fucking days away. All of my friends have been on Grindr more so than ever, grinding hard to get a valentine. But, seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t such a big deal to me. I mean, every night is like Valentine’s Day for me thanks to PornHub (Love you!). I don’t have to worry about buying him candy either and he’s right there, ready to play any fantasy out for me via Internet. As for me, I don’t have to worry about getting my valentine, PornHub, a gift this year cause he’s, you know, virtual, but the rest of you assholes have to get your valentine or boyfriend or “girlfriend” (That goes out to all of the down low breeders reading this) something. Don’t know what to get your valentine for this ratchet holiday? I can help. I give you my “5 What Not To Get/Must Get Valentine’s Day Gifts”!

What Not To Get

1. Candy

As if candy isn’t already damaging to your midsection, but to forcefully give it to your boyfriend is not a good idea. My friend Travis one time gave his former-fatass boyfriend Godiva truffles one year for Valentine’s Day and all of a sudden, his boyfriend relapsed. Three months later he became Carnie Wilson. I think his boyfriend was actually Carnie Wilson. Hmmm. Anyways, don’t do it unless you want to send a message that eating chocolates is sexy. You know what’s sexy? An eight-pack set of abs. If you’re going to get him chocolate, get him P90X to go along with it. Opt out for a bottle of fine wine or absinthe.

2. Cologne

I don’t know what’s more insulting – getting me cologne or telling me my ass stinks like a monkey? Let me just say getting your boyfriend cologne is just plain and utterly tragic. You might as well tell him that he needs to use his enema more often. Cologne could be a nice gesture if you got it for yourself and let your valentine use it on any occasion, but to get him L’Homme by YSL as a Valentine’s Day gift is just a huge NO!

3. Dinner

Dinner = food = shit = dingleberries = shit on condom. You don’t want to be that guy. Instead, eat each other out and call it a night. I wonder how many Weight Watcher’s points ass is? I’ll make sure to ask Jennifer Hudson when I see her.

4. Movie

You know what I hear when a guy asks me out on a date to the movies: “I don’t want to talk to you so I’d rather hear Russell Crowe sing like vacuum in Les Mis for three hours”. Yeah, going to the movies as a Valentine’s Day date was a good idea if you lived during the Prohibition Era. Fuck you if you take someone out to the movies for a date. What do you think this is? An episode of Full House? I repeat, taking a date out to the movies is a thing of the past!

5. Flowers

Nothing warms my heart than seeing a long, red dick. Notice how I said “dick” and not a long, red fucking rose. Flowers die in like a week and why would I want that? If I wanted to be with something that had a week left to live, I would date Hugh Hefner. No flowers and especially none of that Baby’s Breath bullshit. It just gets in the way. Baby’s Breath is the pubic hair of flowers.

What To Get

1. Massage

After a stressful day, your valentine wants to come home to his hot man, oiled up like a pig at a county fair, ready to get every inch of his body engulfed by your fingers and then you do the same to him. Doesn’t that sound erotic as shit? Well I just finished watching a Sean Cody flick that played out this same exact fantasy, but whatever, this massage gift still works. You can either give the erotic massage or hit up some lonely dude up on Grindr and ask him to pleasure the two of you. Anything your man wants and, trust me, he definitely wants this!

2. Thong

You haven’t been slaying for hours upon hours at the gym to just hide your amazing physique in clothes, have you? No, girl, you have NOT! Show your man what he’s been longing to see – you in a thong. Spice things up on Valentine’s Day with thongs and g-strings from your favorite sex shop and give him a night to remember. Valentine’s Day is all about love and let him spray his love all over your body. Oh god, that just made me hard.

3. Bubble Bath

There is nothing more sexy than taking a long, hot tub with your valentine. Just remember to not confuse the bath salts because you don’t want to have Walking Dead in your jacuzzi. Light up some candles, maybe a blunt as well, and get the bubbles bigger than Brent Corrigan’s bubble butt.

4. Sex Swing

Many of you have that common, kinky, gay gene that we cherish oh so much so doing sadomasochistic acts like handcuffing, rough fucking, or even my personal favorite, choking, is something you probably do on the regular when you fuck. Kick it up a notch this year with a sex swing or be prepared to be dumped on Valentine’s Day.

5. Threesome

I bet you’re getting sick of fucking the same guy over and over again and I bet he’s tired of fucking you. Use this loophole of a threesome to switch things up in your monotonous relationship. My favorite strategy to use to get a third person is to use Scruff. Scruff is the new Grindr. Grindr is the Facebook for gays while Scruff is the Twitter. Both amazing but one much fresher.

So here’s to an amazing Valentine’s Day. For all you singles who will be spending it alone, I hope your right hand at least calls you the next day.

Smooches.

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Ask The Gayly Dose – #1: eGrindr Mingle

Hi,

This bitch here ‘accidentally’ ended up in your blog after google-ing grindr dating. I met a guy there – on Grindr. I gave him my phone number so that we can “whatsapp” (One of the 5 DON’Ts in your blog…hahaha…wait…is it 5 or 8? hahaha). I kinda like him (that stranger in my real life) after chatting with him (like, only three days?). He knew that I’m a 100% bottom gay. I asked him out on Monday, saying that it is better to meet up before visualizing me as his ideal man. I don’t want him to have the feeling that what in front of him, which is me, after picturing how perfect I gonna be, is not who he think I am. He said “we are just friends. Why will I have this kind of feeling?” Is he trying to say that he’s not interested in me? Anyway, there is a date on Monday…gosh…what should I do besides remembering your 8 tips?

S*

Dear English As Your Second Language,

First, I have five, I repeat FIVE, “What Not To Do’s” on Grindr. Read it and comprehend it. But, you’re such a doll for asking me for advice so I won’t get started with you. Anyways, cunt, you can’t really like someone, especially on Grindr, after chatting for three days. Too soon to get into your feelings. Try and keep your heart away from Grindr. Grindr is to find relations not relationships. Remember that shit! Don’t confuse it for eHarmony or that godforsaken Christian Mingle. And he clearly just stated that you two are just friends. He doesn’t want a relationship. He’s plainly interested in fucking you. I’m assuming you must have a phenomenal ass which he cannot pass up. Fuck him and see if you guys connect and when I say “connect” I mean “click” not see if his dick is a perfect fit for your hole. Also, sorry for responding on Wednesday instead of Monday. I hope he didn’t steal your wallet. Let me know how your date went.

P.S. I suggest you get this before you venture out in the world of gay dating…

Smooches.

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My 5 “What NOT To Do” Things On Grindr

Everyone knows what joys can come out from being on Grindr. From the great phone sex to the amazing nude pictures and even to the great hookups, these are all advantages of having a Grindr account. Now, if you don’t know what Grindr is, you need to exit out of this website and only come back when you’re gay. Have you seen any of the X-Men movies? You remember Cerebro? And how Cerebro can track down any mutant by just putting on the helmet? Grindr is Cerebro for gays. If you haven’t seen any of the X-Men movies, just Google “Grindr” bitch. Grindr is always a fun time. When I’m bored and can’t fall asleep at midnight, I don’t curl up with a book. I log on to my Grindr and see who’s up for a little chit-chat and which closeted married man is ready for a raunchy S&M session with yours truly. Calling all John Travoltas and Tom Cruises!

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As my years as an out and proud gay man progress, I have learned many things from the classy app of Grindr. The most important lessons I’ve learned are the ones that I will never want to repeat again as they are BIG mistakes. Luckily for you, if you take my advice, you won’t have to go through consequences like I did. To save you from great turmoil, I give you my 5 “What NOT To Do” Things On Grindr:

1. Don’t give out your phone number

BAAAAAAAAAD IDEA! I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “Duh! Why would anyone give out personal information?”, and you’re right. As for me, I thought that giving out my phone number wouldn’t be dangerous and probably would not end with me being in a body bag. Boy, was I wrong. I have given out my number numerous of times to random guys because I was logging off and I wanted to continue the conversation and nothing ever creepy had ever happened… Yet. One night, I decided to give my number out to this guy named Peter because we made a great connection which was backed by an extensive intellectual conversation. He was 45, filthy rich (Owned a fucking Lamborghini), and was married with a kid. I love a hot, rich, married daddy who wants to fuck. That is my dream fantasy. After signing off from Grindr, he calls me. I answer and we chat. I trusted him after talking for an hour or so and decided to drive to his house which was 15 minutes away. His wife and kid were away and we had GREAT sex. Like all of my Grindr hookups, after I finished cumming, I quickly got dressed and was headed out the door. As I slowly opened the door, I felt someone grab my arm. It was Peter. He, right then and there, professed his love for me. My hand was dialing 9-1-1 on my cell phone in my pocket. I told him that I was horny again and asked him freshen up in the bathroom while I was going to get in the bed so we could get ready for round two. As he went in the bathroom, I booked it to my car. Hell no was I ready to start a committed relationship with this guy. Now, he texts and calls me every week or so. This has been going on for three months. I tried to get a new number but then realized the hassle of telling all these people in my life my new number. He literally has told me that “I am his soulmate and he wants to have a deep relationship with me.” All this stalking and incessant texts/phone calls could have all been avoided if I just didn’t give him my phone number. Lesson learned. Stay on Grindr as long as you can. Only log off until you got the guy’s address and HIS phone number. Never give out your own, ask for his and then block your number when you call him to tell him that you’re outside. Got it?

2. Don’t send nude pictures to every guy who asks for them

I know, I know. Giving out your nude pictures is the reason why Grindr exists today. If you weren’t allowed to trade nudes, then you probably wouldn’t be on Grindr. I’m not saying to not do it, I’m just saying to not do it ALL THE TIME! I used to send out great dick pics coupled along with a sweet ass cheek, but not anymore. One time, I sent a picture of my naked body to a guy, let’s call him John, who messaged me asking for pictures. Turns out that John is friends with my friend named Troy and this guy is also my ex’s coworker. That cunt nugget showed my friend my naked picture and also showed my ex my naked picture. John knew that Troy and I were friends because he had seen me in pictures on Troy’s Instagram and thought it would be funny to show my friend. Asshole. But then, he didn’t know that he worked with my ex. So when he showed my ex my naked picture because he wanted to brag about my great naked picture, my ex told him that he dated me. The ex called me up all pissed off that I was whoring around with guys. You’re probably wondering why my ex would act like that but we can save that for my memoir. All in all: don’t send out your naked pics to every guy out there because since Grindr shows you guys who are local to you, you are bound to send those pictures to someone you have a connection to, unbeknownst to you .

3. Don’t talk to guys who are sketchy

See below (This is my actual personal Grindr conversation):

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4. Don’t use any terms of endearment

Like every night, I was chatting with sexy dudes on Grindr. This guy started out the conversation saying, “Hey grasshopper”. I thought that would be a one time use of the word. No. He ended up saying, “Send me those dick pics, grasshopper” and “I want to suck your cock dry, grasshopper.” I told him that I was going to “hop” on over to a new guy because he was creepy by calling me “grasshopper”. I felt like I was in a nature porno flick or something like “Look at that grasshopper with it’s beautiful green texture. Can you see that? And take a look at that massive cock dripping with cum.” Who the fuck was I chatting with anyways? The gay ghost of Steve Irwin? Next, please.

5. Don’t be bitchy

I feel that this happens A LOT on Grindr. And this has happened to every gay. No matter how hot you are, there will always be someone hotter to turn you down. Trust me, I’m sexy as fuck – I would know. There’s nothing like a swift kick to the balls when a guy says “No” right after you say “Hey”. Ouch! Fellas, am I right? And I have also been that bitchy queen who has also wrote guys off because I knew I was hotter and could get away with it. It was also a confidence boost! But, that’s not right. When I turned 21, I realized that acting like a cunt didn’t make me anymore better than those twats who would write me off so quick. Therefore, I decided to always ignore. Ignoring someone isn’t bitchy when it’s done on cyberspace. Ignoring someone in reality is. But on Grindr, it’s not. Yeah, the guy might say, “Thanks for ignoring me” or “YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE FOR NOT RESPONDING BACK! BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER! I HOPE YOU’RE DEAD!”, but rest assure that you are saving this guy the humility of saying, “No thanks” and the time and effort to explain why you are not giving him the time. Just ignore.

Here are two other personal Grindr Fail moments:

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Send me some of your favorite Grindr Fail moments by taking a screen shot and sending them to gaymanproblems@yahoo.com and I’ll post them! Do it and I’ll love you forever. Okay, calm down, it was just an expression.

Smooches.

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