Tag Archives: homosexuality

My First Sexual Encounter (That I Still Masturbate To)

People usually say, “I’ve known I was gay my whole life.” Although this may be true, it doesn’t necessarily happen to everyone. I’ve never known I was gay my whole life, per se, but I’ve always known I was different. When I was five, I remember having a huge crush on Aladdin and his purple opened vest that revealed twink-like rippling muscles underneath. Now that I think about it, maybe Aladdin is gay. Only now do I know that I was gay when I was five, but I didn’t know it then. Therefore, I haven’t known I was gay my whole life until I came out and reflected on my past. I’ve known I have been gay since I was about 10 or 11, honestly. I knew for sure I was gay when I had my first sexual experience when I got my first hand-job by my friend when I was 14. Some people lose their virginity by then but, unlike them, I didn’t grow up in West Virginia.

aladdinhercules

My friend was a childhood friend whose parents were best friends with mine so we used to see a lot of each other. My first sexual encounter happened when…

*To read the complete article on DatingAdvice.com, click here!

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What I’m Obsessed With: Amanda Bynes

What’s the first thing you think of when someone says “Amanda Bynes”? Some may say “crazy”, some may say “train wreck”, or some people, like me, would say “BFF”. Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and some might say that she needs help. In my opinion, she doesn’t need help, she needs me. Obviously, I wish she were a little bit more stable than she is right now cause I read somewhere that her credit card got declined at a salon, but other than that, she seems like a good time. We all have an Amanda Bynes in our group of friends, and if you don’t know who that is, then look in the mirror cause it’s most likely you.

Amanda Bynes has all the good making in being my BFF:

She makes me laugh.

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She does drugs.

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She’s a whore.

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And she makes me look like I have it all together. Watch:

Amanda, if you’re reading this, let’s go to rehab together.

Smooches.

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What Would Ryan Lochte Do… To My Body?

Ryan Lochte is the epitome of every nocturnal emission to every gay prepubescent boy and menopausal woman. His eyes are to die for, his smile melts your heart, and his abs set your loins on fire. With that said, what other reason would I need to tune in to view the series premiere of his own show on E! called “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” last night? And let me tell you something, the show should be renamed to “What I Would Do To Ryan Lochte”.

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The series premiere of the show ended up reminding me of my ex: all over the place, full of stupid shit, yet I’m still aroused. The show was confusing because the first half was showing him partying and then the second half we get introduced to his family. Shouldn’t it be the opposite way? Then the episode didn’t seem to have anything to hone in on. Maybe because it was the first episode or maybe because Ryan Lochte is just ornamental and not functional. Ryan Lochte’s pitch for this show was definitely his abs because the show never fell short on showing us the beautifully, chiseled olympian body that he possesses. I definitely masturbated more than three times during the show. And maybe a fourth time when I masturbated to his 22-year-old twink of a brother fucking the shit out of me in his tuxedo shirt, but I’m not confirming anything just yet. 

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The only moments in the series premiere that made me so attracted to Ryan Lochte were his ab workouts after a night out of intense partying and the scene where he cried when talking about how much his family meant to him during the time he won his first medal. Seriously, nothing could have topped that moment. Well, maybe one thing and that’s Ryan’s bulge in the picture below.

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Anyways, the show seemed lackluster and I probably won’t watch it again unless it’s to touch myself on those days when I feel Grindr isn’t working out for me. Which means never.

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Smooches.

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So You Think You’re A Drag Queen?

Whether you’re a macho straight man or even a prissy girly-girl, everyone has an inner drag queen inside of them. From the way you walk, the way you talk, and even your diva ego are all aspects that every drag queen uses when they’re performing on and off stage. I believe if I were a drag queen my name would be Kitten solely because I fucking love my cat. Every month at Town Danceboutique in D.C., there’s a fabulous event filled with wigs, make-up, and attitude that puts Naomi Campbell to shame. The event is known as “So You Think You’re A Drag Queen?” and it brings all the glitterati sashaying to Town just to catch their favorite local drag queens compete to become the next big act in D.C. And your’s truly got to go backstage and get the inside scoop.

If you’re still somewhat hazy, or somewhat drunk like me, about “So You Think You’re A Drag Queen?”, my friends over at Metro Weekly have been documenting it since 2010 so watch the video above. “So You Think You’re A Drag Queen?”, hosted by Lena Lett and Shi-Queeta-Lee, is essentially an homage to the ubiquitous “RuPaul’s Drag Race” where there is a panel of guest judges (Derek Brown, Epiphany B. Lee, Tatianna, and Ba’Naka) that critique the queens and the winner is chosen by the audience. Let me just say, the turnout was mind-blowing and there even was a bachelorette party taking place. Let me tell you, nothing gets straight women going than seeing a drag queen throwing them shade. Here’s an example:

Drag Queen to bachelorette party: “Let me see your ring, honey. Oh, it’s sooooo tiny. Good for you, sweetie!”

S-H-A-D-E

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(Lena Lett)

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(Shi-Queeta-Lee and her perky nipples)

The drag queen contestants were:

Alessandra McQueen

Porcelain St Clair

Francesca Adams

Kellie Nicole Savage Black

Zendaya Thorne 

Kit Valentine

One of my favorite performances was done by Ba’Naka Deveraux, who performed “Boy Is A Bottom“. So chic.

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(Ba’Naka Deveraux performing “This Boy Is A Bottom” whilst getting her coins)

Honestly, I couldn’t really remember the rest of the show because I was in a text war with my drug dealer. But if could guess, there were drag queens, dresses, wigs, like maybe Tatianna from season 2 of Rupaul’s Drag Race was there…

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Also make-up, high heels, maybe a Dolly Parton drag queen…

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(Porcelain St. Clair, above, ended up winning the competition. Side note: her parents and family came out to support her. So cute.)

My all-time favorite and the drag queen I was rooting for, Alessandra McQueen, took to the stage and released her inner Sasha Fierce.

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After the show I got to go backstage and catch up with the hilarious and profound Lena Lett who is also an ordained minister. How fucking amazing is that?

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(Lena Lett with Jesus)

Since Lena is a devout catholic, we got to talk about the Pope. “I think this Pope is a breath of fresh air. He is very humble.”, Lena says, “He takes the message of the gospel personally and the integrity of the gospel personally.” When it came to her performing as a comic in the drag queen circuit, she told how she’s been performing for about 17 years and has collected about a thousand outfits over the years.

I also got the opportunity to catch up with one of the runner-up of “So You Think You’re A Drag Queen”, Francesca Adams.

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(Francesca Adams)

“My middle name, in boy form, is Francis, so that’s where I got Francesca. And Adams I took from a very dear friend of mine.”, she told me while I stared at her flawless eye make-up. Although Francesca performed to Richgirl’s “He Ain’t Wit Me Now (Tho)”, she does cite Beyonce as one of her musical inspirations and fashion inspirations.

Oh, yeah, and this happened.

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(Kellie Nicole Savage Black)

Town hosts “So You Think You’re A Drag Queen” every month so be sure to attend if you’re ever in the area. You’ll get to see things like this…

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(Kit Valentine)

Great cutlets, girl.

Smooches.

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Gay Men And Commitment: Being Monogamous Isn’t Monotonous

You know that feeling of love at first sight? You see him. He sees you. And, in that moment, your whole world slows down.

He smiles and you feel a jolt of lightning surge through your bones. You have never felt so alive in your life!

People say that’s love and I agree.

Now that same-sex marriage has been legalized in nine states, plus D.C., many people are now seeing love and commitment is present in gay couples and we aren’t just some sex-crazed animals the media sometimes portrays us to be.

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Make your own rules.

Although there are gay men who do value monogamy, there are those that believe in open relationships.

Commitment seems to be such a hot topic in the gay community because it is one stereotype that has definitely been scrutinized and amplified.

I’m not saying straight couples are all loyal to one another and gay men can’t commit. I’m saying every couple makes their own rules.

If being in an open relationship works for one couple, regardless if they’re straight or gay, then they should do as they please.

There isn’t one thing I absolutely hate more than society thinking gay men can’t commit.

Well, there is one thing I hate more, but let’s leave cargo pants out of this…

*To read the complete article at DatingAdvice.com, click here!

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6 Ways To Avoid Contacting Your Ex For Sex (NSFW)

I’m horny. Like, really horny. And very much so single. What does a single gay love to do when he’s horny? Call his ex. If you’re a self-respecting gay like myself, you can agree that contacting your ex for sex is totally not a good option. We all have been there and it never works out to our favor. Yes, the sex will be good and yes, his six-pack will feel amazing against your body, but there comes a time that we have to ditch our ex as our go-to for sex because it’s pathetic. Very, very fucking pathetic. Don’t feel alone because I’m going through that right now. Do I want to call up my ex, who I dated for six years of my life that has the most perfect body, to fuck tonight? HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH! Will I feel great afterwards? HELL TO THE FUCK NO. I’m here to help you, my confused friends. I give you my “6 Ways To Avoid Contacting Your Ex For Sex”.

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I’ve been dealing with this issue this whole week after I had a sex dream about my ex. We were riding on a motorcycle (Sounds very Lana Del Rey, right?) and we were naked together and very hot and sweaty. The next thing I remember is pressing my body all over his and feeling his rock-hard, sweaty body against mine. What was that? You’re hard? Yeah, me too. When I woke up from my dream, I couldn’t help but masturbate. Now, every single day I think about calling him at midnight to have him come over and fuck me till I have no more cum. But, ironically, that would be fruitless. What am I supposed to do? I tried googling ways to get over him, but there wasn’t anything for us strong, gay men. So, I used my own advice and created ways to get over him and the best part is, it fucking worked. Here’s how you do it:

1. Delete him from your life

Every now and then when you’re just checking your Facebook or Instagram, you see him. Whether you fucking like it or not or whether you want to or not, he’s right there. You can’t seem to avoid missing him because he just shows up on all your social networking sites. DELETE HIM! Not only do you delete him from your phone, you delete him from everything. Now, careful, he will see that you deleted him as a friend on Facebook or unfollowed him on Twitter, but there are ways to getting around his incessant posts and tweets. Simply, hide him. Facebook has this feature of hiding people from your newsfeed. Do it. My Twitter app on my phone, called Echofon, has a mute option. You don’t want your ex to think that you’re a psycho by deleting him permanently so simply hide him. That way he will think you’re mature for being friends with him via social media and that way you won’t ever see him. It’s the cyberspace version of running the other way in public when you see your ex.

2. Listen to inspiring music

When I mean “inspiring music”, I don’t mean gospel. I mean Madonna’s “Express Yourself” or Pink’s “So What”. You need these empowering songs to keep you from contacting him. These songs, at least to me, make me feel independent and self-reliant on myself to make me happy. Everyone has a song that makes me them feel awesome as shit and so powerful that they can run for president if they wanted to right then and there. Find your song that’s about ripping your ex to shreds. Besides inspiring songs, party songs also help me avoid thinking about my ex. Songs like Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” or Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” seem to do the trick for me. Whatever you do, don’t listen to that bitch Adele. She’ll make you miss him and go crawling back.

3. Exercise hard

If you already don’t exercise regularly, you need to be sent to Milan where they’ll make fun of your obesity and give you an eating disorder. As Elle Woods said it so profoundly in Legally Blonde, “Exercising gives you endorphins. Endorphines make you happy.” Exercising is not only great for the body, but also great for your mind. After my intense step interval or cardio kickboxing classes, I feel alive. I feel great. I feel like I can take on the day. Plus, exercising will help you feel less stressed and keep your body looking fit. You want to keep yourself busy and exercising is a great way. You can spend hours at the gym sculpting every part of your body and not know where the time has gone. Plus, you’ll get great results that will help you landing someone that’s even hotter than your ex. If you don’t want to exercise to keep you from contacting your ex, just please do it for the sake of everyone else that has to look at your cellulite.

4. Party harder

If there’s anything that I don’t do better than fucking, it’s partying. I would say that partying not only is great cardio but also great to keep your mind occupied from thinking about papers, projects, deadlines, or exes. If you want to not contact that certain ex of yours, you’re going to have to start to make plans and keep yourself busy. Get your friends together to get hammered at your local gay bar! If you don’t have any friends, call me. I’m always down to get drunk all the time. Some say I’m an alcoholic but doesn’t everyone drink alone in their room? It’s just when I’m completely drunk and hear my favorite dance song blare in the club, it excites every bone in my body. You need to party if you want to avoid thinking or even contacting that guy. Instead of calling your ex, call one of your friends and make plans.

5. Buy shit you love

Gifts always make people happy. Since you’re probably single and have no one to get you a gift beside your ex, get yourself a gift. Whether it may be some amazing clothes from Urban Outfitters, some greasy fast food from Taco Bell, or even a brand new BMW, do something for yourself that makes you happy. I personally love getting a makeover so I take myself to my favorite spa and get a smashed crystal and sea salt scrub pedicure and an avocado facial. Or you could go on Grindr and get a different kind of facial. Either one works best.

6. Masturbate

Self-explanatory. Here, I’ll help:

Hope this helps. Comment and let me know what you do, bitches.

Smooches.

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I Survived Saint Patrick’s Day 2013 But My Liver Didn’t

If there isn’t any one thing that is more furious with me, it’s my liver. For this gay, Saint Patty’s Day was by all means an epic proportion of everything awesome. Which translates to “I don’t remember shit”. I know I’m posting my Saint Patty’s Day weekend adventures a day late, but you don’t understand the hangover I had yesterday. Saint Patrick’s Day, however, is supposed to be a day commemorating the spread of Christianity to Ireland and I commemorate that by fucking any hot, drunk, straight guy I see. There once was a time when I fucked a straight guy on Saint Patrick’s Day whose name was actually Patrick. Talk about being lucky.

Anyways, my celebration began on a Thursday night where I was eye-fucked and hit on by a girl. I can admit, being hit on by an attractive girl does something to me, but little did she know I was eye-fucking the blonde guy behind her. It just happened that our eyes crossed paths and before I knew it, I was dancing with her. Of course, it was my-ass-to-her-vagina type of dancing, but that didn’t slow me down. I rode her vagina till it was sore. After my friends and I left that bar, we walked right next door to the other bar. This bar was definitely slow-paced due to the fact that there was only about six people in the damn place. As I was ordering my Blue Motorcycle, I caught the eye of a hot guy sitting right next to me. Once the bartender handed me my drink, I heard him speak.

“Hey, that drink looks cool. What are you drinking?”
“Oh, it’s called a Blue Motorcycle. It’s really good!”
“Mmmm. I bet it is…”

After making small talk with him and signing my bill, I turned to my right to finally look into his eyes and have a great conversation with him. Only, when I turned to talk to him, his eye wasn’t looking at me, but yet he was still talking to me. I shifted my vision from looking at his right eye to then looking at his left eye. His left eye was starkly piercing my eyes attentively as I was looking right at it. That’s when it struck me: my future ex-boyfriend was crossed-eyed. He later then caught on to me noticing he was cross-eyed because my eyes would keep changing line of focus from one eye to the next. He then got up and actually left the bar. He was so hot. Sad. Later on after walking to the car from the bar, my friend and I encountered a man who was sitting on railing and then fell flat on his face and ate concrete. My friend and I looked at each other and then around us to see if anyone was going to help, except there was literally no one around but us two and Humpty Dumpty. After realizing that we were the only ones who would have to help this man, we ran over to him to help his drunk ass up. After getting him up, we asked him where his friends were and if he had a cell phone. His response could only be reenacted by Chewbacca and Charlie Brown’s teacher. We soon then left him and let him continue to be a mess and proceeded to go home.

After waking up on Friday with a hangover only a masochist would love, I began to make plans for my night out on the town for that evening. Friday nights have always been my favorite night to party and since it was Saint Patrick’s Day weekend, nothing could top the drink specials. My group of friends made our way to our local bar and decided to ring in the weekend with a bang. This bar had the best drink special I had ever heard: $1 Drinks All-Night. After the bartender told me that, my world all of a sudden became brighter. You know those Claritin-D commercial where they all of a sudden see “Claritin clear”? That’s how it was for me after ordering drinks off a dollar menu. I became a drunk mess within the next hour. As I went to the bar for my 17th drink, the bartender told me he wasn’t serving me anymore. It was right then and there did I have sympathy for Lindsay Lohan because she has had that happen to her countless times and let me tell you something, being cut off from the bar is the worst buzz kill ever. I became furious and insinuated that he was racist, thus calling him a cunt. I walked away and then all of my worries disappeared when I heard the DJ playing “Macarena”. I lost my shit like it was 1996 all over again and twerked harder than Beyonce at The Super Bowl.

On Saturday, I slept throughout the whole day and woke up on Saint Patrick’s Day with my liver and I ready to take on the day. As my friends and I entered our favorite Irish pub, we encountered our friend throwing up his crab dip all over the booth where were about to sit. He had began drinking at 2 p.m. that day and it was currently 9 p.m. that night. Even though we started our Saint Patty’s celebration really late, our friend drank for us. He was spotted by a bouncer and escorted outside. I spotted an old friend of mine at the bar and went over to say hi to her. She and I then decided to do shots of Irish Car Bombs. After that, I slipped into a drunken haze where I ended up ordering two Screwdrivers, a glass of Pinot Grigio, a Natty Light (WTF?), and two Rum & Cokes. I was dancing with more girls than the straight guys and I feel as if the straight guys were applauding me for not being a so-called “pimp” but twerking harder and sexier than all of the girls at the pub. After hours of dancing and smoking cigarettes, I went over to the bar to order another Screwdriver. The bartender ended up giving me the drink for free cause I was hot. If only it was a male bartender. As I was sipping my drink, I turn around and see a a guy giving attitude to my friend. As I walked over there, she kept saying, “No, this is my coat. I don’t know where your coat is. Do you shop at Burberry? I don’t think so…” He then began to spew all this bullshit and saying “FUCK YOU SLUT! FUCK YOU AND YOUR CUNT ATTITUDE!” That’s when the inner diva came out in me and I went up to this big, strong, sexy, angry man and said “DON’T YOU EVER SAY THAT TO MY FRIEND YOU ASSHOLE. I WILL FUCKING TAKE YOU!” I immediately began to adjust my black suede heeled boots in order to fight when the bouncer came up to my hot enemy and took him outside. That was my first time ever getting into a bar skirmish with a straight man. I felt alive. Like any buzz, that alive feeling wore off as soon as I came home and crashed in my bed.

How was your Saint Patty’s Day celebrations? Actually, never mind, I’m exhausted…

Smooches.

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Over It!

There are so many things in this world that make me happy. Penises, nipples, spinning class, and kale are some of the things that make life worth living as a gay man. Even though this world is full of great things, it’s also full of bullshit that I am totally done with. “Over It” is going to be a segment that talks about things that I’m totally over a.k.a. that I’m sick of. Hopefully, you’ll be over them too after I explain why. If you aren’t, then I’m over you! Here it is:

Blackberrys

I was a fan. I used to have a Blackberry Bold back in the day when they were hot. Notice I used past tense. Now, Blackberrys have the same functionality and technology behind an actual blackberry fruit. They are a dead technology. So, throw away that Blackberry and that fax machine you probably have to.

Girls who watch sports

Please, bitch. We all know you watch sports to turn on guys. I saw you with your Ray Lewis jerseys at the sports bars cheering when the Super Bowl was on while you were chugging three beers. And I also saw you the other night in your little black dress on a stripper pole while sipping on an Appletini. You ain’t foolin’ nobody, hunty! Girls who are “into” sports are full of shit. Just because you watch a football game and scream right after everyone else screams, doesn’t mean you’re a fan. I would love it if you named at least eight players on your favorite sports teams and the corresponding referee calls. And, all of the dumb straight guys eat that shit up and find it sexy when they see a girl watching sports. You girls disgust me. By the way, why haven’t I thought of this strategy to pick up straight dudes at sports bars?

Hipsters

Stop riding your bicycles everywhere you go. Stop drinking organic carrot juice. Stop watching documentaries. And start showering, start driving your cars, and start wearing deodorant. You’re hot and all but I would like to tell the difference between you and the local hobo pissing in a water bottle. Thanks! P.S. Cut your long hair. The shaved head/short hair look is in.

Nightclubs

I love dancing as much as the next person. And I love pole dancing as much as the next go go boy. So, if I want to twerk in a mosh pit full of sweaty gay men I’d just go down to my nearest bathhouse orgy. I am SICK of all this little gay boy divas waltzing around my favorite D.C. gay nightclub with their fucking multicolored skinny jeans and plunging v-necks. I want to dance without you having to spill your drink, which you probably got from blowing a gay man who bought it legally, all over my new Prada velvet blazer.

What are you sluts saying “OVER IT!” to? Comment below or tweet me at @GayManPrblems or @TheGaylyDose and let me know!

Smooches.

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Valentine’s Gay 2013: What Should You Do? (NSFW)

As many of you cunts know, Valentine’s Day is just two fucking days away. All of my friends have been on Grindr more so than ever, grinding hard to get a valentine. But, seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t such a big deal to me. I mean, every night is like Valentine’s Day for me thanks to PornHub (Love you!). I don’t have to worry about buying him candy either and he’s right there, ready to play any fantasy out for me via Internet. As for me, I don’t have to worry about getting my valentine, PornHub, a gift this year cause he’s, you know, virtual, but the rest of you assholes have to get your valentine or boyfriend or “girlfriend” (That goes out to all of the down low breeders reading this) something. Don’t know what to get your valentine for this ratchet holiday? I can help. I give you my “5 What Not To Get/Must Get Valentine’s Day Gifts”!

What Not To Get

1. Candy

As if candy isn’t already damaging to your midsection, but to forcefully give it to your boyfriend is not a good idea. My friend Travis one time gave his former-fatass boyfriend Godiva truffles one year for Valentine’s Day and all of a sudden, his boyfriend relapsed. Three months later he became Carnie Wilson. I think his boyfriend was actually Carnie Wilson. Hmmm. Anyways, don’t do it unless you want to send a message that eating chocolates is sexy. You know what’s sexy? An eight-pack set of abs. If you’re going to get him chocolate, get him P90X to go along with it. Opt out for a bottle of fine wine or absinthe.

2. Cologne

I don’t know what’s more insulting – getting me cologne or telling me my ass stinks like a monkey? Let me just say getting your boyfriend cologne is just plain and utterly tragic. You might as well tell him that he needs to use his enema more often. Cologne could be a nice gesture if you got it for yourself and let your valentine use it on any occasion, but to get him L’Homme by YSL as a Valentine’s Day gift is just a huge NO!

3. Dinner

Dinner = food = shit = dingleberries = shit on condom. You don’t want to be that guy. Instead, eat each other out and call it a night. I wonder how many Weight Watcher’s points ass is? I’ll make sure to ask Jennifer Hudson when I see her.

4. Movie

You know what I hear when a guy asks me out on a date to the movies: “I don’t want to talk to you so I’d rather hear Russell Crowe sing like vacuum in Les Mis for three hours”. Yeah, going to the movies as a Valentine’s Day date was a good idea if you lived during the Prohibition Era. Fuck you if you take someone out to the movies for a date. What do you think this is? An episode of Full House? I repeat, taking a date out to the movies is a thing of the past!

5. Flowers

Nothing warms my heart than seeing a long, red dick. Notice how I said “dick” and not a long, red fucking rose. Flowers die in like a week and why would I want that? If I wanted to be with something that had a week left to live, I would date Hugh Hefner. No flowers and especially none of that Baby’s Breath bullshit. It just gets in the way. Baby’s Breath is the pubic hair of flowers.

What To Get

1. Massage

After a stressful day, your valentine wants to come home to his hot man, oiled up like a pig at a county fair, ready to get every inch of his body engulfed by your fingers and then you do the same to him. Doesn’t that sound erotic as shit? Well I just finished watching a Sean Cody flick that played out this same exact fantasy, but whatever, this massage gift still works. You can either give the erotic massage or hit up some lonely dude up on Grindr and ask him to pleasure the two of you. Anything your man wants and, trust me, he definitely wants this!

2. Thong

You haven’t been slaying for hours upon hours at the gym to just hide your amazing physique in clothes, have you? No, girl, you have NOT! Show your man what he’s been longing to see – you in a thong. Spice things up on Valentine’s Day with thongs and g-strings from your favorite sex shop and give him a night to remember. Valentine’s Day is all about love and let him spray his love all over your body. Oh god, that just made me hard.

3. Bubble Bath

There is nothing more sexy than taking a long, hot tub with your valentine. Just remember to not confuse the bath salts because you don’t want to have Walking Dead in your jacuzzi. Light up some candles, maybe a blunt as well, and get the bubbles bigger than Brent Corrigan’s bubble butt.

4. Sex Swing

Many of you have that common, kinky, gay gene that we cherish oh so much so doing sadomasochistic acts like handcuffing, rough fucking, or even my personal favorite, choking, is something you probably do on the regular when you fuck. Kick it up a notch this year with a sex swing or be prepared to be dumped on Valentine’s Day.

5. Threesome

I bet you’re getting sick of fucking the same guy over and over again and I bet he’s tired of fucking you. Use this loophole of a threesome to switch things up in your monotonous relationship. My favorite strategy to use to get a third person is to use Scruff. Scruff is the new Grindr. Grindr is the Facebook for gays while Scruff is the Twitter. Both amazing but one much fresher.

So here’s to an amazing Valentine’s Day. For all you singles who will be spending it alone, I hope your right hand at least calls you the next day.

Smooches.

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Ask The Gayly Dose – #1: eGrindr Mingle

Hi,

This bitch here ‘accidentally’ ended up in your blog after google-ing grindr dating. I met a guy there – on Grindr. I gave him my phone number so that we can “whatsapp” (One of the 5 DON’Ts in your blog…hahaha…wait…is it 5 or 8? hahaha). I kinda like him (that stranger in my real life) after chatting with him (like, only three days?). He knew that I’m a 100% bottom gay. I asked him out on Monday, saying that it is better to meet up before visualizing me as his ideal man. I don’t want him to have the feeling that what in front of him, which is me, after picturing how perfect I gonna be, is not who he think I am. He said “we are just friends. Why will I have this kind of feeling?” Is he trying to say that he’s not interested in me? Anyway, there is a date on Monday…gosh…what should I do besides remembering your 8 tips?

S*

Dear English As Your Second Language,

First, I have five, I repeat FIVE, “What Not To Do’s” on Grindr. Read it and comprehend it. But, you’re such a doll for asking me for advice so I won’t get started with you. Anyways, cunt, you can’t really like someone, especially on Grindr, after chatting for three days. Too soon to get into your feelings. Try and keep your heart away from Grindr. Grindr is to find relations not relationships. Remember that shit! Don’t confuse it for eHarmony or that godforsaken Christian Mingle. And he clearly just stated that you two are just friends. He doesn’t want a relationship. He’s plainly interested in fucking you. I’m assuming you must have a phenomenal ass which he cannot pass up. Fuck him and see if you guys connect and when I say “connect” I mean “click” not see if his dick is a perfect fit for your hole. Also, sorry for responding on Wednesday instead of Monday. I hope he didn’t steal your wallet. Let me know how your date went.

P.S. I suggest you get this before you venture out in the world of gay dating…

Smooches.

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