As many of you cunts know, Valentine’s Day is just two fucking days away. All of my friends have been on Grindr more so than ever, grinding hard to get a valentine. But, seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t such a big deal to me. I mean, every night is like Valentine’s Day for me thanks to PornHub (Love you!). I don’t have to worry about buying him candy either and he’s right there, ready to play any fantasy out for me via Internet. As for me, I don’t have to worry about getting my valentine, PornHub, a gift this year cause he’s, you know, virtual, but the rest of you assholes have to get your valentine or boyfriend or “girlfriend” (That goes out to all of the down low breeders reading this) something. Don’t know what to get your valentine for this ratchet holiday? I can help. I give you my “5 What Not To Get/Must Get Valentine’s Day Gifts”!
What Not To Get
As if candy isn’t already damaging to your midsection, but to forcefully give it to your boyfriend is not a good idea. My friend Travis one time gave his former-fatass boyfriend Godiva truffles one year for Valentine’s Day and all of a sudden, his boyfriend relapsed. Three months later he became Carnie Wilson. I think his boyfriend was actually Carnie Wilson. Hmmm. Anyways, don’t do it unless you want to send a message that eating chocolates is sexy. You know what’s sexy? An eight-pack set of abs. If you’re going to get him chocolate, get him P90X to go along with it. Opt out for a bottle of fine wine or absinthe.
I don’t know what’s more insulting – getting me cologne or telling me my ass stinks like a monkey? Let me just say getting your boyfriend cologne is just plain and utterly tragic. You might as well tell him that he needs to use his enema more often. Cologne could be a nice gesture if you got it for yourself and let your valentine use it on any occasion, but to get him L’Homme by YSL as a Valentine’s Day gift is just a huge NO!
Dinner = food = shit = dingleberries = shit on condom. You don’t want to be that guy. Instead, eat each other out and call it a night. I wonder how many Weight Watcher’s points ass is? I’ll make sure to ask Jennifer Hudson when I see her.
You know what I hear when a guy asks me out on a date to the movies: “I don’t want to talk to you so I’d rather hear Russell Crowe sing like vacuum in Les Mis for three hours”. Yeah, going to the movies as a Valentine’s Day date was a good idea if you lived during the Prohibition Era. Fuck you if you take someone out to the movies for a date. What do you think this is? An episode of Full House? I repeat, taking a date out to the movies is a thing of the past!
Nothing warms my heart than seeing a long, red dick. Notice how I said “dick” and not a long, red fucking rose. Flowers die in like a week and why would I want that? If I wanted to be with something that had a week left to live, I would date Hugh Hefner. No flowers and especially none of that Baby’s Breath bullshit. It just gets in the way. Baby’s Breath is the pubic hair of flowers.
What To Get
After a stressful day, your valentine wants to come home to his hot man, oiled up like a pig at a county fair, ready to get every inch of his body engulfed by your fingers and then you do the same to him. Doesn’t that sound erotic as shit? Well I just finished watching a Sean Cody flick that played out this same exact fantasy, but whatever, this massage gift still works. You can either give the erotic massage or hit up some lonely dude up on Grindr and ask him to pleasure the two of you. Anything your man wants and, trust me, he definitely wants this!
You haven’t been slaying for hours upon hours at the gym to just hide your amazing physique in clothes, have you? No, girl, you have NOT! Show your man what he’s been longing to see – you in a thong. Spice things up on Valentine’s Day with thongs and g-strings from your favorite sex shop and give him a night to remember. Valentine’s Day is all about love and let him spray his love all over your body. Oh god, that just made me hard.
3. Bubble Bath
There is nothing more sexy than taking a long, hot tub with your valentine. Just remember to not confuse the bath salts because you don’t want to have Walking Dead in your jacuzzi. Light up some candles, maybe a blunt as well, and get the bubbles bigger than Brent Corrigan’s bubble butt.
4. Sex Swing
Many of you have that common, kinky, gay gene that we cherish oh so much so doing sadomasochistic acts like handcuffing, rough fucking, or even my personal favorite, choking, is something you probably do on the regular when you fuck. Kick it up a notch this year with a sex swing or be prepared to be dumped on Valentine’s Day.
I bet you’re getting sick of fucking the same guy over and over again and I bet he’s tired of fucking you. Use this loophole of a threesome to switch things up in your monotonous relationship. My favorite strategy to use to get a third person is to use Scruff. Scruff is the new Grindr. Grindr is the Facebook for gays while Scruff is the Twitter. Both amazing but one much fresher.
So here’s to an amazing Valentine’s Day. For all you singles who will be spending it alone, I hope your right hand at least calls you the next day.