Everyone knows what joys can come out from being on Grindr. From the great phone sex to the amazing nude pictures and even to the great hookups, these are all advantages of having a Grindr account. Now, if you don’t know what Grindr is, you need to exit out of this website and only come back when you’re gay. Have you seen any of the X-Men movies? You remember Cerebro? And how Cerebro can track down any mutant by just putting on the helmet? Grindr is Cerebro for gays. If you haven’t seen any of the X-Men movies, just Google “Grindr” bitch. Grindr is always a fun time. When I’m bored and can’t fall asleep at midnight, I don’t curl up with a book. I log on to my Grindr and see who’s up for a little chit-chat and which closeted married man is ready for a raunchy S&M session with yours truly. Calling all John Travoltas and Tom Cruises!
As my years as an out and proud gay man progress, I have learned many things from the classy app of Grindr. The most important lessons I’ve learned are the ones that I will never want to repeat again as they are BIG mistakes. Luckily for you, if you take my advice, you won’t have to go through consequences like I did. To save you from great turmoil, I give you my 5 “What NOT To Do” Things On Grindr:
1. Don’t give out your phone number
BAAAAAAAAAD IDEA! I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “Duh! Why would anyone give out personal information?”, and you’re right. As for me, I thought that giving out my phone number wouldn’t be dangerous and probably would not end with me being in a body bag. Boy, was I wrong. I have given out my number numerous of times to random guys because I was logging off and I wanted to continue the conversation and nothing ever creepy had ever happened… Yet. One night, I decided to give my number out to this guy named Peter because we made a great connection which was backed by an extensive intellectual conversation. He was 45, filthy rich (Owned a fucking Lamborghini), and was married with a kid. I love a hot, rich, married daddy who wants to fuck. That is my dream fantasy. After signing off from Grindr, he calls me. I answer and we chat. I trusted him after talking for an hour or so and decided to drive to his house which was 15 minutes away. His wife and kid were away and we had GREAT sex. Like all of my Grindr hookups, after I finished cumming, I quickly got dressed and was headed out the door. As I slowly opened the door, I felt someone grab my arm. It was Peter. He, right then and there, professed his love for me. My hand was dialing 9-1-1 on my cell phone in my pocket. I told him that I was horny again and asked him freshen up in the bathroom while I was going to get in the bed so we could get ready for round two. As he went in the bathroom, I booked it to my car. Hell no was I ready to start a committed relationship with this guy. Now, he texts and calls me every week or so. This has been going on for three months. I tried to get a new number but then realized the hassle of telling all these people in my life my new number. He literally has told me that “I am his soulmate and he wants to have a deep relationship with me.” All this stalking and incessant texts/phone calls could have all been avoided if I just didn’t give him my phone number. Lesson learned. Stay on Grindr as long as you can. Only log off until you got the guy’s address and HIS phone number. Never give out your own, ask for his and then block your number when you call him to tell him that you’re outside. Got it?
2. Don’t send nude pictures to every guy who asks for them
I know, I know. Giving out your nude pictures is the reason why Grindr exists today. If you weren’t allowed to trade nudes, then you probably wouldn’t be on Grindr. I’m not saying to not do it, I’m just saying to not do it ALL THE TIME! I used to send out great dick pics coupled along with a sweet ass cheek, but not anymore. One time, I sent a picture of my naked body to a guy, let’s call him John, who messaged me asking for pictures. Turns out that John is friends with my friend named Troy and this guy is also my ex’s coworker. That cunt nugget showed my friend my naked picture and also showed my ex my naked picture. John knew that Troy and I were friends because he had seen me in pictures on Troy’s Instagram and thought it would be funny to show my friend. Asshole. But then, he didn’t know that he worked with my ex. So when he showed my ex my naked picture because he wanted to brag about my great naked picture, my ex told him that he dated me. The ex called me up all pissed off that I was whoring around with guys. You’re probably wondering why my ex would act like that but we can save that for my memoir. All in all: don’t send out your naked pics to every guy out there because since Grindr shows you guys who are local to you, you are bound to send those pictures to someone you have a connection to, unbeknownst to you .
3. Don’t talk to guys who are sketchy
See below (This is my actual personal Grindr conversation):
4. Don’t use any terms of endearment
Like every night, I was chatting with sexy dudes on Grindr. This guy started out the conversation saying, “Hey grasshopper”. I thought that would be a one time use of the word. No. He ended up saying, “Send me those dick pics, grasshopper” and “I want to suck your cock dry, grasshopper.” I told him that I was going to “hop” on over to a new guy because he was creepy by calling me “grasshopper”. I felt like I was in a nature porno flick or something like “Look at that grasshopper with it’s beautiful green texture. Can you see that? And take a look at that massive cock dripping with cum.” Who the fuck was I chatting with anyways? The gay ghost of Steve Irwin? Next, please.
5. Don’t be bitchy
I feel that this happens A LOT on Grindr. And this has happened to every gay. No matter how hot you are, there will always be someone hotter to turn you down. Trust me, I’m sexy as fuck – I would know. There’s nothing like a swift kick to the balls when a guy says “No” right after you say “Hey”. Ouch! Fellas, am I right? And I have also been that bitchy queen who has also wrote guys off because I knew I was hotter and could get away with it. It was also a confidence boost! But, that’s not right. When I turned 21, I realized that acting like a cunt didn’t make me anymore better than those twats who would write me off so quick. Therefore, I decided to always ignore. Ignoring someone isn’t bitchy when it’s done on cyberspace. Ignoring someone in reality is. But on Grindr, it’s not. Yeah, the guy might say, “Thanks for ignoring me” or “YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE FOR NOT RESPONDING BACK! BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER! I HOPE YOU’RE DEAD!”, but rest assure that you are saving this guy the humility of saying, “No thanks” and the time and effort to explain why you are not giving him the time. Just ignore.
Here are two other personal Grindr Fail moments:
Send me some of your favorite Grindr Fail moments by taking a screen shot and sending them to firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll post them! Do it and I’ll love you forever. Okay, calm down, it was just an expression.