Tag Archives: homosexuality

My 5 “What NOT To Do” Things On Grindr

Everyone knows what joys can come out from being on Grindr. From the great phone sex to the amazing nude pictures and even to the great hookups, these are all advantages of having a Grindr account. Now, if you don’t know what Grindr is, you need to exit out of this website and only come back when you’re gay. Have you seen any of the X-Men movies? You remember Cerebro? And how Cerebro can track down any mutant by just putting on the helmet? Grindr is Cerebro for gays. If you haven’t seen any of the X-Men movies, just Google “Grindr” bitch. Grindr is always a fun time. When I’m bored and can’t fall asleep at midnight, I don’t curl up with a book. I log on to my Grindr and see who’s up for a little chit-chat and which closeted married man is ready for a raunchy S&M session with yours truly. Calling all John Travoltas and Tom Cruises!

grindraaron

As my years as an out and proud gay man progress, I have learned many things from the classy app of Grindr. The most important lessons I’ve learned are the ones that I will never want to repeat again as they are BIG mistakes. Luckily for you, if you take my advice, you won’t have to go through consequences like I did. To save you from great turmoil, I give you my 5 “What NOT To Do” Things On Grindr:

1. Don’t give out your phone number

BAAAAAAAAAD IDEA! I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “Duh! Why would anyone give out personal information?”, and you’re right. As for me, I thought that giving out my phone number wouldn’t be dangerous and probably would not end with me being in a body bag. Boy, was I wrong. I have given out my number numerous of times to random guys because I was logging off and I wanted to continue the conversation and nothing ever creepy had ever happened… Yet. One night, I decided to give my number out to this guy named Peter because we made a great connection which was backed by an extensive intellectual conversation. He was 45, filthy rich (Owned a fucking Lamborghini), and was married with a kid. I love a hot, rich, married daddy who wants to fuck. That is my dream fantasy. After signing off from Grindr, he calls me. I answer and we chat. I trusted him after talking for an hour or so and decided to drive to his house which was 15 minutes away. His wife and kid were away and we had GREAT sex. Like all of my Grindr hookups, after I finished cumming, I quickly got dressed and was headed out the door. As I slowly opened the door, I felt someone grab my arm. It was Peter. He, right then and there, professed his love for me. My hand was dialing 9-1-1 on my cell phone in my pocket. I told him that I was horny again and asked him freshen up in the bathroom while I was going to get in the bed so we could get ready for round two. As he went in the bathroom, I booked it to my car. Hell no was I ready to start a committed relationship with this guy. Now, he texts and calls me every week or so. This has been going on for three months. I tried to get a new number but then realized the hassle of telling all these people in my life my new number. He literally has told me that “I am his soulmate and he wants to have a deep relationship with me.” All this stalking and incessant texts/phone calls could have all been avoided if I just didn’t give him my phone number. Lesson learned. Stay on Grindr as long as you can. Only log off until you got the guy’s address and HIS phone number. Never give out your own, ask for his and then block your number when you call him to tell him that you’re outside. Got it?

2. Don’t send nude pictures to every guy who asks for them

I know, I know. Giving out your nude pictures is the reason why Grindr exists today. If you weren’t allowed to trade nudes, then you probably wouldn’t be on Grindr. I’m not saying to not do it, I’m just saying to not do it ALL THE TIME! I used to send out great dick pics coupled along with a sweet ass cheek, but not anymore. One time, I sent a picture of my naked body to a guy, let’s call him John, who messaged me asking for pictures. Turns out that John is friends with my friend named Troy and this guy is also my ex’s coworker. That cunt nugget showed my friend my naked picture and also showed my ex my naked picture. John knew that Troy and I were friends because he had seen me in pictures on Troy’s Instagram and thought it would be funny to show my friend. Asshole. But then, he didn’t know that he worked with my ex. So when he showed my ex my naked picture because he wanted to brag about my great naked picture, my ex told him that he dated me. The ex called me up all pissed off that I was whoring around with guys. You’re probably wondering why my ex would act like that but we can save that for my memoir. All in all: don’t send out your naked pics to every guy out there because since Grindr shows you guys who are local to you, you are bound to send those pictures to someone you have a connection to, unbeknownst to you .

3. Don’t talk to guys who are sketchy

See below (This is my actual personal Grindr conversation):

grindrriley

4. Don’t use any terms of endearment

Like every night, I was chatting with sexy dudes on Grindr. This guy started out the conversation saying, “Hey grasshopper”. I thought that would be a one time use of the word. No. He ended up saying, “Send me those dick pics, grasshopper” and “I want to suck your cock dry, grasshopper.” I told him that I was going to “hop” on over to a new guy because he was creepy by calling me “grasshopper”. I felt like I was in a nature porno flick or something like “Look at that grasshopper with it’s beautiful green texture. Can you see that? And take a look at that massive cock dripping with cum.” Who the fuck was I chatting with anyways? The gay ghost of Steve Irwin? Next, please.

5. Don’t be bitchy

I feel that this happens A LOT on Grindr. And this has happened to every gay. No matter how hot you are, there will always be someone hotter to turn you down. Trust me, I’m sexy as fuck – I would know. There’s nothing like a swift kick to the balls when a guy says “No” right after you say “Hey”. Ouch! Fellas, am I right? And I have also been that bitchy queen who has also wrote guys off because I knew I was hotter and could get away with it. It was also a confidence boost! But, that’s not right. When I turned 21, I realized that acting like a cunt didn’t make me anymore better than those twats who would write me off so quick. Therefore, I decided to always ignore. Ignoring someone isn’t bitchy when it’s done on cyberspace. Ignoring someone in reality is. But on Grindr, it’s not. Yeah, the guy might say, “Thanks for ignoring me” or “YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE FOR NOT RESPONDING BACK! BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER! I HOPE YOU’RE DEAD!”, but rest assure that you are saving this guy the humility of saying, “No thanks” and the time and effort to explain why you are not giving him the time. Just ignore.

Here are two other personal Grindr Fail moments:

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grindrcarlito

Send me some of your favorite Grindr Fail moments by taking a screen shot and sending them to gaymanproblems@yahoo.com and I’ll post them! Do it and I’ll love you forever. Okay, calm down, it was just an expression.

Smooches.

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Lena Dunham: Best Hunty In A Comedy Series

If there isn’t one thing I’m more obsessed about than manscaping, it’s motherfucking Lena Dunham. Lena is probably the epitome of every gay man out there – a hipster bitch who is overly compulsive about losing weight. One of my friends actually knows Lena and went to Oberlin with her (true story). One time she went to her house and got so high that they filmed this dinky little film called Tiny Furniture. When my friend learned about how Lena took all the credit for the film, my friend got pissed. I, on the other hand, applauded Lena because that’s what I would’ve done. I would’ve seized the opportunity of a lifetime and made a hit movie. That’s what all adventurous women do. Cue the hi-hat.

"Girls" creator and actress Lena Dunham poses with the award "Girls" won for Best Televison Series, Comedy or Musical at the 70th annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills

Like every gay and closeted man out there, I watched the Golden Globes this past Sunday night (P.S. You know who was on my best dressed list? Nicole “I-Was-Once-An-Anorexic-Pill-Popping-Shrew-But-Now-I’m-A-Mature-Upstanding-Citizen-Of-Society-Because-I’m-A-Mother” Richie. Sis was looking on point!). From the homos doing the set design to the in-the-closet lead male actors to Jodie Foster and Richard Gere, the Globes was THE gay place to be. I totally fell in love with Jodie Foster much like how she fell in love with Home Depot the minute she scissored a woman. In all seriousness, she delivered that poignant and beautiful speech with such poise and eloquence. Jodie, shopping at Birkenstock is a must. My treat!

nicole

Anyways, back to Lena Dunham. I literally was giving her a standing ovation when she won for Best Actress in a Comedy Series and when Girls won for Best Comedy Series. That show has given me so much life that I want to thank her by signing her up for Weight Watchers. She is a smart and beautiful woman who is also a HUGE ally for the LGBT community. Lena also has rallied for same-sex marriage legalization, appeared in an Obama campaign, and also has a sister who is an out and proud lesbian.

hbogirls

Lena is publicly dating Fun.’s hot as fuck guitarist Jack Antonoff and the two are wildly in love. Jack, much like Lena, is also known for his rallying in the gay rights movement by appearing in the NOH8 campaign. Even though they may be in love, the two are not getting married until one major thing happens. Lena said backstage at the Golden Globes: “I don’t want to get married until all gay people can get married.” Three snaps for you, hunty! So happy to have an elegant, influential, and passionate straight ally like yourself, and Jack, to help us fight for gay rights everywhere. Lena, you’re our new fag hag. Now, let’s be gym buddies and start a juice cleanse. What I’m trying to say is put down that donut. Also, hated the season premiere of Girls on Sunday. Love you!

lenajack

Smooches.

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Oscars 2013 Nominations: My Everything

Fuck the Superbowl. This is real competition. The complete list of the 2013 Academy Award Nominees has officially been released and I’m as happy as a fat queen during all-you-can-eat Sunday brunch. Between Les Miserables, Lincoln, and even Zero Dark Thirty, I don’t know which film I’m supporting. And you must pick a side otherwise you’re a bandwagon fuck. Also, I imagine Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackson getting into a hot shirtless straight man brawl over their nomination. But, seriously, that has to be the gayest fight  since Azealia Banks and Perez Hilton’s Twitter war.

Here’s the complete list of nominees a.k.a. Lincoln owns:

Best Motion Picture

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
Lincoln
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Amour
Django Unchained
Argo

Achievement in Directing

David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Denzel Washington, Flight
Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook
Alan Arkin, Argo
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Amy Adams, The Master

Best Animated Feature Film

Frankenweenie
The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Wreck-It Ralph
ParaNorman
Brave

Original Screenplay

Flight, John Gatins
Zero Dark Thirty, Mark Boal
Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino
Amour, Michael Haneke
Moonrise Kingdom, Wes Anderson and Roman Coppola

Adapted Screenplay

Beasts of the Southern Wild, Lucy Alibar & Benh Zeitlin
Argo, Chris Terrio
Lincoln, Tony Kushner
Silver Linings Playbook, David O. Russell
Life of Pi, David Magee

Best Foreign-Language Film

Amour (Austria)
No (Chile)
War Witch (Canada)
A Royal Affair (Den)
Kontiki (Norway)

Original Score

Anna Karenina, Dario Marianelli
Argo, Alexandre Desplat
Life of Pi, Mychael Danna
Lincoln, John Williams
Skyfall, Thomas Newman

Original Song

“Before My Time,” J. Ralph; Chasing Ice
“Pi’s Lullaby,” Mychael Danna & Bombay Jayashri; Life of Pi
“Suddenly,” Claude-Michel Schönberg, Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boulil; Les Misérables
“Everybody Needs a Best Friend,” Walter Murphy & Seth McFarlane; Ted
“Skyfall,” Adele Adkins & Paul Epworth; Skyfall

Achievement in Production Direction

Anna Karenina
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Lincoln

Achievement in Cinematography

Anna Karenina, Seamus McGarvey
Django Unchained, Robert Richardson
Life of Pi, Claudio Miranda
Lincoln, Janusz Kaminski
Skyfall, Roger Deakins

Achievement in Costume Design

Anna Karenina, Jacqueline Durran
Les Misérables, Paco Delgado
Lincoln, Joanna Johnston
Mirror Mirror, Eiko Ishioka
Snow White and the Huntsman, Colleen Atwood

Best Documentary Feature

5 Broken Cameras
The Gatekeepers
How to Survive a Plague
The Invisible War
Searching for a Sugar Man

Best Documentary Short Subject

Inocente
Kings Point
Mondays at Racine
Open Heart
Redemption

Achievement in Film Editing

Argo
Life of Pi
Lincoln,
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty

Achievement in Makeup & Hairstyling

Hitchcock
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Les Misérables

Best Animated Short Film

Adam and Dog
Fresh Guacamole
Head Over Heels
Maggie Simpson in “The Longest Daycare”
Paperman

Best Live-Action Short Film

Asad
Buzkashi Boys
Curfew
Death of a Shadow
Henry

Achievement in Sound Editing

Argo
Django Unchained
Life of Pi
Skyfall
Zero Dark Thirty

Achievement in Sound Mixing

Argo
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Lincoln
Skyfall

Achievement in Visual Effects

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Life of Pi
Marvel’s The Avengers
Prometheus
Snow White and the Huntsman

The 2013 Oscars| 85th Academy Awards will air Sunday, February 24.

Smooches.

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Welcome To The Gayborhood, Matt Dallas!

There’s is nothing that makes me smile from ear to ear than someone coming out of the closet. Well, there’s that one thing but I talk too much about threesomes. Anyways, Matt Dallas, or has-been Kyle XY star, has finally come out of the closet and he is still one hot piece of alien ass.

Dallas came out via Twitter on Sunday and also announced his engagement to his musician fiance Blue Hamilton. What a fucking douche of name, right? I am super thrilled that he finally come out because everyone know how hard it can be. Plus, his coming out has put him in the spotlight after about 7 years.

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This really shows off how hot his fiance and his beautiful dog are. I mean that’s the first time I’ve seen two “hot dogs” in between a man’s legs. Dallas is one lucky dude. Woof woof, bitch!

Smooches.

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What I’m OBSESSED With: Le1f

I’ve been a fan of rap music since I came out of my mother’s vagina shaking my ass like Lil Kim. Nothing gets me more fired up to steal shit from Urban Outfitters like a gay ratchet bitch than rap music. Being huge fans of Nicki Minaj, Azealia Banks, and Iggy Azalea, I’ve always aspired to be them. The one thing that I admire most about these rap bitches are that they are huge gay icons. Not only do they make great drag queens, but they show support to younger female rappers (Not really, they get threatened) and gay rappers (Cause they have no female friends). That’s when I stumbled upon this trap-music-making cunt named Le1f, pronounced “Leaf”.

His bitch ass just had to add “1” to his name cause that’s straight kunty. His song, “Wut”, has garnered huge internet buzz and thus created him a viral sensation. Not only does this fag know how to rap like a boss, his lyrics and beats are sick as fuck. And his look is fierce. My favorite part about his “Wut” music video is when he’s riding that white boy Pikachu. It sent a tingling sensation back to when I was a kid and fantasized about if Ash Catchem and Brock secretly hooked up while Misty was sleeping when they were on their way to Saffron City. Sorry, that was hugely nerdy of me. Hopefully, I turned on a hot nerd reading this. If I did, call me. Anyways, the video is fierce and has so much fierceness coming out of its ass. Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but Le1f kind of reminds me of Juwanna Mann, if Juwanna Mann and Rye Rye had a kid and it was raised by Busta Rhymes. Listen to all of Le1f’s music here!

Anyways, this cunt is my new obsession. Love or hate him, I think this bitch is going to go far as in far up my asshole cause he’s turning me on for some reason.

Smooches.

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Prayers For Lindsay

When I was younger, I used to avoid getting into fights. I wish it was because I was a peaceful hippie who wanted love and not war, but that wasn’t the case. I was small and afraid of hurting my face because of my future Ralph Lauren modeling career. Only when I began college and started my great drinking habits (Seriously, I can drink three bottles of merlot and not feel a thing) did I realize the importance of self-defense. I remember when this bitchy queen got in my face one night at my favorite gay bar only because his boyfriend was trying to talk to me. Then that twat threw his drink in my face and that was when the hair pins started flying. Let’s just say I gave a new connotation to the term “gay bashing”.

After hearing the news of my beloved Lindsay Lohan getting into a bar brawl this morning at 4 am, my blood started to boil. Clearly, I have been in her shoes (Not literally, but so would love to try on her Giuseppe Zanotti’s) and know what bullshit this harlet of a starlet must’ve gone through.

Apparently, Lindsay was at a bar celebrating. Whether it was celebrating the premiere of her shitastic “Liz & Dick” Lifetime movie or whether it was celebrating that Lifetime offered her a job, the girl was white girl wasted. Even though there are no sourced determining that factor of Lindsay’s state of mind, but let’s all be real – she was drunk. The fight happened after a girl, who was in the next table over, was told by Lindsay to give her some space. I guess that bitch was trying to take sips out of Lindsay’s glass and that’s when Lindsay broke loose. So, of course, Lindsay threw a punch and got arrested. Now the ginger bitch has violated her probation – officially.

So, everyone, let’s all say a prayer for Lindsay Lohan. She needs help and another career path.

Smooches.

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Top Winter 2012 Men’s Fashion Trends

Now that Starbucks has started sell their fatass Eggnog Latte, I’ve come to a realization – it’s fucking winter. Which also brings me to another realization – why the hell are all you bitches still wearing flip flops? Wearing the appropriate apparel for winter is crucial and all you motherfuckers are strolling around in your skanky v-necks. It’s about time you fall into this year’s hot winter fashion trends.

If there’s anything that I’m innately good at, it’s fashion. Fashion was my first language and I speak it fluently everyday. My favorite fashion season has finally come, cunts – winter! Winter fashion is my favorite because you layer upon many clothes and create versatile outfits. Plus those layers of clothing creates great foreplay when you’re stripping off all those clothes. It’s sort of like unwrapping a really great present. After vigorous ripping of wrapping paper, you finally unravel your Louis Vuitton loafers. Same idea when it comes to taking off a peacoat, then a sweater, then an undershirt to get to the hot eight-pack abs on that go-go dancer you’ve always had your eye on.

Anyways…

Here’s my guide to looking the hottest with this year’s winter trends.

This 2012 winter fashion trends for men are all about wearing black with blues. The chic black and blue collections from Hermes, Burberry, and Paul Smith evoke a certain classy and clean look that will definitely cover up your real uncouth and cunty personality you have going on.

Many other designers such as Prada and Lanvin give a certain trend that I certainly love – sherling and fur lining. Nothing says winter like a good fur and sherling action going on. This new trend is like Kanye West meets Moscow and it certainly is a major trend this season. Take a look at Banana Republic’s “Anna Karenina” collection this season, for example. The faux fur trims and merino wools used in their collection shows you how men, too, can rock a beautiful faux fur-lined coat or sweater. Aside from sherling and the fur, another huge trend to pair your black and blue looks is leather.

Leather jackets and leather coats exploded on the scene with many winter collections, especially for Yves Saint Laurent’s 2012 Men’s Winter Collection. But, there is one more trend this winter for men that’s going to be a hit – metal.

Metal is showing up everywhere this season like in Louis Vuitton and and Costume National by showcasing collections of chic black leather oxford shoes with metallic accents. This is the best winter trend I have seen thus far for a men’s collection because it certainly brings a certain pop to any outfit. The new trend of metal is a definite trend that will set you apart from the rest of the monochromatic trends this year. Adding metal is also couples the blue-noir movement we are seeing this year in men’s winter collections everywhere.

Now, please, stop with the fucking flip flops.

Smooches.

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How To Be A “Top” Bottom

So, I love sex. Like really love it. Like I really really really love it. And, since you’re gay, you love it it, too. Unless, you’re a virgin, in which case, you really love your right hand. Having sex, whether you’re straight or gay, can be a very tricky thing. If you’re a virgin, you’re probably thinking, “Am I a ready?” or “Is the guy right for me?”. If you’re a slut, you’re thinking, “How can I be better?” or “Will he ever stop calling me?”. The answer is hard to find. But, I’m here. So take that last swig of your Appletini and get ready to learn how to achieve the greatest sex for you and your partner. Bottoms up, bitches!

First, for all you inexperienced, gay sex is anal sex. That means, a dick goes inside your ass. And if you are the person who takes the dick, then that means you’re a bottom and your partner is a top. Are we all caught up to speed? Great! Moving on. Your anus is a very sensitive area. I mean it takes all of your shit everyday so no wonder why it’s sensitive. I’m funny. But, just because your anus is sensitive, don’t be afraid to explore the realms of possibility when it comes to pleasuring yourself. The first two steps are for the inexperienced. If you’re a dirty, little skank, then move onto step three.

1) If you’re a virgin or curious about bottoming, start by slowly pressing your finger right beneath your balls, or your taint, and move south till you feel your finger enter your ass. Make sure your finger is lubricated – my personal fave is Vaseline because it’s a great starter to sexplore your body. As your finger enters your ass, play around. You can move it inside or just rub the outermost part of your hole – or as I like to call it, your man clit. If it doesn’t feel good, then you’re dead or simply identify yourself a strict top.

2) Once you’ve popped your own cherry, next stop is to brace yourself. For all you virgins, your anus is very tight and small. To get used to having a dick up your ass, you’re going to have to invest in a sex toy. Buy yourself a dildo or a vibrator that is small and slowly work your way up to a size that is not comparable to an Asian penis.

3) Once you’ve experienced something up your butthole, the next thing you have to learn is how to be the best bottom ever. The first step in doing this is learn how to douche. No one wants to fuck a guy with dingleberries. You are now ready to learn how to clean yourself. There are two ways: 1. You can buy a douching kit or 2. You can clean your hole yourself. If you’re the person who wants to go the economically-safe route, then you want to learn how to douche your hole yourself. There is a method that I’ve learned from Bryan Boy when we used to go at it like dogs at the park. When I was fucking him (I’ve been blessed with being versatile), I noticed that his hole was clean as shit – no pun intended. Once I came, I asked him his secret. He told me that he gets a water bottle with a flip-top spout, fills it up with water, and fits it as close as he can to his hole and then squirts water into it. I’m being totally serious. (But, gays, don’t do this if you’re not comfortable – invest in a douching kit otherwise.) After he squirted his hole with water, he would jump around until the water was clear coming out of his asshole. Genius! So do this before you fuck. You don’t want to be known as the “2 Girls 1 Cup” guy. Trust me.

4) Once you’ve cleaned up, the next part is technique. Everyone’s asshole is shaped uniquely so therefore you’re going to have to guide the guy on how to fuck you. First, always use lube (and a condom, of course). Lube is what’s going to keep your ass from chafing. I personally suggest Eros lube, but then again I’m a pretentious fuck. Get KY if all else fails. Once you’re all oiled up like pigs at country fair, you’re ready for penetration. When the guy first enters you, let him poke around and feel you on the inside. The best sex has got to be passionate so let him connect with you. If you don’t have connection or don’t at least act passionate, the sex is going to suffer like Lindsay Lohan’s career. So, after the both of you make a connection, you have got to then act like a prostitute and maneuver your ass and kind of push up on his dick. Next stop after connecting and passion, is dirty and raunchy. You have got to do your dance on his dick – to quote Tyga – or ride his dick until the position feels right. Work his dick into the shape of your rectum and soon everything will feel like euphoria.

5) The minute you learn to back it up on his dick, you and your partner will feel amazing. The fifth step to do now is to work your own penis. Don’t forget about yourself now. As your bouncing back and forth, slowly drop your upper body downward and press your chest onto the bed to where only your ass is in the air. Once you do that, you’ll see that your penis is wedged in between you and the mattress. With your body dropped downward, your ass up in the air, and your torso thrusting back and forth, you’ll notice yourself humping the bed which is incorporating your own penis into the mix. When you got this going, you’ll be ready to cum and so will he. You can always jerk yourself off, too, if you want to. If you’re fucking while standing, you don’t want to be pressed up against a concrete wall and hump that. So, plainly, while the guy is fucking you and you’re riding him like the cowboy you are, you can simply just jack yourself off. Or if you’re turned on your back with your legs in the air, the only option is to jerk yourself off. Duh.

6) TALK DIRTY! Nothing is hotter than hearing the reaction from fucking someone. If you’re not a talker in bed, then at least moan and scream. Do something. Otherwise you’ll be as boring than a Lana Del Rey concert. You can go from saying, “Oh yeah! That’s right! Yeah, baby!” to “OH MY GOD! YES FUCK ME! FUCK ME BABY! DO IT JUST LIKE THAT! YOU LIKE MY TIGHT HOLE? DO ME REALLY DIRTY! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CUM!” Mix it up if you want, but, never, I repeat, NEVER stay silent in bed. That is a major turn-off.

7) Cum. And let him know you’re going to cum. Nothing is sexier than hearing someone say, “Oh my fucking God, you’re going to make me cum.”

8) Reject his phone calls for the next week until he understands that he was just a one night stand and you just needed someone to fuck while your boyfriend was out of town. Okay, I may be personalizing on this one.

Once you follow these steps, that guy is going to want to go to all the marriage equality rallies so that he can legally put a ring on your finger and wife you the fuck up. I know this from first hand experience, I mean, why else do you think the HRC exists?

Smooches.

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Westboro Baptist Church: STFU!

Seriously, queers, I’m going to have another bitch fit today. I already had a fit this morning when my poodle pissed all over my new Louis Vuitton boots. I was so mad at Bette Midler that I refused to give her a gluten-free doggy treat today. She was such a bitch – literally.

Now that my shoes are ruined, another irritating thing has come back to haunt me. No, I’m not talking about graphic tees – I’m talking about the fucking Westboro Baptist Church. Seriously, these guys need to get laid by someone who is not blood-related to them. And, not only are they back, they’re back with a vengeance.

The stupid son of Fred Phelps, Jonathan Phelps, declared that he “absolutely” supported the death penalty for being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. REALLY? This motherfucker – literally – is supposed to be jewish on top of this. How the fuck are you jewish and baptist at the same time? Somewhere Jesus is saying, “Nah uh girlfriend…”

The Westboro Baptist Church has been notoriously-known for picketing soldier’s funerals with signs like “God Hates America” and “God Hates Fags” and all of a sudden they want credit for deeming a new capitol punishment law? Get the fuck out of here!

It has been reported that the Westboro Baptist Church is going to picket the late Donna Johnson, a U.S. Army Sargent, because she was a lesbian and served the country. Their philosophy behind this, you ask? Let’s ask the president of Dumbass, Inc. himself, Jonathan Phelps: “Military funerals have become pagan orgies of idolatrous blasphemy, where they pray to dunghill gods of Sodom & play taps to a fallen fool.”

I rest my case.

Oh, yeah, Happy National Coming Out Day, fruits!

Smooches.

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Orlando Cruz Is Gay. Duh.

Nothing screams “I love cock in my mouth!” than a name like Orlando Cruz. Like, seriously, that’s a gay ass name. So, how come no one ever knew this boxing queen was a raging homo? Maybe it was all the macho stigma that comes with being a boxer that no one ever suspects someone being strong and “manly” as being gay. But, I knew. I remember seeing him at The Caesar’s Palace one night where I watched a fight of his. He ended up asking me up to his hotel room after a serious eye-fucking session and he later fisted me while still having his boxing glove on. Let’s just say, I KO’d in about two minutes.

The one amazing thing that I absolutely love about Orlando Cruz is that he finally came out of the closet as a “proud gay man”. He is the first gay boxer to ever be open about his sexuality and continues to rock a serious set of biceps. History has been made in the boxing industry thanks to Orlando.

“I have and will always be proud to be Puerto Rican. I have and will always be proud to be a gay man.” Orlando Cruz has been professionally boxing since December 2000 and his next match is October 19 – which is also going to be my first time watching a boxing match naked with a tub of vaseline and tissues right by my side.

Orlando is scheduled to talk about his life and coming out of the closet on Telemundo, of course, before his match on the 19th.

Thank you, Orlando, for taking a gay step forward in the right direction in a society that still undermines the values and rights of gay people. Honestly, you are such a great role model to anyone who is afraid to be themselves.

Also, see you tonight and bring your boxing gloves when you come over.

Smooches.

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