Tag Archives: lana del rey

6 Ways To Avoid Contacting Your Ex For Sex (NSFW)

I’m horny. Like, really horny. And very much so single. What does a single gay love to do when he’s horny? Call his ex. If you’re a self-respecting gay like myself, you can agree that contacting your ex for sex is totally not a good option. We all have been there and it never works out to our favor. Yes, the sex will be good and yes, his six-pack will feel amazing against your body, but there comes a time that we have to ditch our ex as our go-to for sex because it’s pathetic. Very, very fucking pathetic. Don’t feel alone because I’m going through that right now. Do I want to call up my ex, who I dated for six years of my life that has the most perfect body, to fuck tonight? HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH! Will I feel great afterwards? HELL TO THE FUCK NO. I’m here to help you, my confused friends. I give you my “6 Ways To Avoid Contacting Your Ex For Sex”.

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I’ve been dealing with this issue this whole week after I had a sex dream about my ex. We were riding on a motorcycle (Sounds very Lana Del Rey, right?) and we were naked together and very hot and sweaty. The next thing I remember is pressing my body all over his and feeling his rock-hard, sweaty body against mine. What was that? You’re hard? Yeah, me too. When I woke up from my dream, I couldn’t help but masturbate. Now, every single day I think about calling him at midnight to have him come over and fuck me till I have no more cum. But, ironically, that would be fruitless. What am I supposed to do? I tried googling ways to get over him, but there wasn’t anything for us strong, gay men. So, I used my own advice and created ways to get over him and the best part is, it fucking worked. Here’s how you do it:

1. Delete him from your life

Every now and then when you’re just checking your Facebook or Instagram, you see him. Whether you fucking like it or not or whether you want to or not, he’s right there. You can’t seem to avoid missing him because he just shows up on all your social networking sites. DELETE HIM! Not only do you delete him from your phone, you delete him from everything. Now, careful, he will see that you deleted him as a friend on Facebook or unfollowed him on Twitter, but there are ways to getting around his incessant posts and tweets. Simply, hide him. Facebook has this feature of hiding people from your newsfeed. Do it. My Twitter app on my phone, called Echofon, has a mute option. You don’t want your ex to think that you’re a psycho by deleting him permanently so simply hide him. That way he will think you’re mature for being friends with him via social media and that way you won’t ever see him. It’s the cyberspace version of running the other way in public when you see your ex.

2. Listen to inspiring music

When I mean “inspiring music”, I don’t mean gospel. I mean Madonna’s “Express Yourself” or Pink’s “So What”. You need these empowering songs to keep you from contacting him. These songs, at least to me, make me feel independent and self-reliant on myself to make me happy. Everyone has a song that makes me them feel awesome as shit and so powerful that they can run for president if they wanted to right then and there. Find your song that’s about ripping your ex to shreds. Besides inspiring songs, party songs also help me avoid thinking about my ex. Songs like Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” or Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” seem to do the trick for me. Whatever you do, don’t listen to that bitch Adele. She’ll make you miss him and go crawling back.

3. Exercise hard

If you already don’t exercise regularly, you need to be sent to Milan where they’ll make fun of your obesity and give you an eating disorder. As Elle Woods said it so profoundly in Legally Blonde, “Exercising gives you endorphins. Endorphines make you happy.” Exercising is not only great for the body, but also great for your mind. After my intense step interval or cardio kickboxing classes, I feel alive. I feel great. I feel like I can take on the day. Plus, exercising will help you feel less stressed and keep your body looking fit. You want to keep yourself busy and exercising is a great way. You can spend hours at the gym sculpting every part of your body and not know where the time has gone. Plus, you’ll get great results that will help you landing someone that’s even hotter than your ex. If you don’t want to exercise to keep you from contacting your ex, just please do it for the sake of everyone else that has to look at your cellulite.

4. Party harder

If there’s anything that I don’t do better than fucking, it’s partying. I would say that partying not only is great cardio but also great to keep your mind occupied from thinking about papers, projects, deadlines, or exes. If you want to not contact that certain ex of yours, you’re going to have to start to make plans and keep yourself busy. Get your friends together to get hammered at your local gay bar! If you don’t have any friends, call me. I’m always down to get drunk all the time. Some say I’m an alcoholic but doesn’t everyone drink alone in their room? It’s just when I’m completely drunk and hear my favorite dance song blare in the club, it excites every bone in my body. You need to party if you want to avoid thinking or even contacting that guy. Instead of calling your ex, call one of your friends and make plans.

5. Buy shit you love

Gifts always make people happy. Since you’re probably single and have no one to get you a gift beside your ex, get yourself a gift. Whether it may be some amazing clothes from Urban Outfitters, some greasy fast food from Taco Bell, or even a brand new BMW, do something for yourself that makes you happy. I personally love getting a makeover so I take myself to my favorite spa and get a smashed crystal and sea salt scrub pedicure and an avocado facial. Or you could go on Grindr and get a different kind of facial. Either one works best.

6. Masturbate

Self-explanatory. Here, I’ll help:

Hope this helps. Comment and let me know what you do, bitches.

Smooches.

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Lana Del Rey’s “Paradise Edition” Tastes Like Pepsi-Cola

Even though today isn’t Christmas, it sure as fuck feels like it. My favorite bitch of all time, Lana Del Rey, rereleased her album “Born To Die” with more tracks! The album, Born To Die: The Paradise Edition, is now out in stores today and on digital copy. So be sure to rev up your new iPhone 5 with her album because it sure as hell does NOT disappoint.

Lana has been my inspiration for being an anorexic white girl who thinks she’s a model in Milan. Her look is divine and captures me every time. Her beauty captivates my attention like a set of abs on an Asian man. Her debut album, Born To Die, is such a breath of fresh air especially in this day and age of autotune and synth sounds blaring at your local club or bathhouse. But, Lana brings class and the 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s era back with a vengeance.

The Paradise Edition has probably brought me to climax more than any other man thus far and there’s a logical reason for it – it’s just plain ol’ fucking amazing. The rereleased album features 9 new songs which to me is just like a whole new damn album. And this homo ain’t complaining. The tracks to the album are:

1. Ride
2. American
3. Cola
4. Body Electric
5. Blue Velvet
6. Gods & Monsters
7. Yayo
8. Bel Air
9. Burning Desire

My favorite tracks from this album, you ask? Ride (because I LOVE to ride things), Cola (because she starts out saying, “My pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola. My cock tastes like Coca-Cola. Guess someone will have to see which one tastes better in a blind-test), Blue Velvet (because it’s a cover and because I love velvet – so chic this season), and Yayo (I love cocaine).

Buy her new album, Born To Die: The Paradise Edition. Or illegally download it or whatever.

Smooches.

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How To Be A “Top” Bottom

So, I love sex. Like really love it. Like I really really really love it. And, since you’re gay, you love it it, too. Unless, you’re a virgin, in which case, you really love your right hand. Having sex, whether you’re straight or gay, can be a very tricky thing. If you’re a virgin, you’re probably thinking, “Am I a ready?” or “Is the guy right for me?”. If you’re a slut, you’re thinking, “How can I be better?” or “Will he ever stop calling me?”. The answer is hard to find. But, I’m here. So take that last swig of your Appletini and get ready to learn how to achieve the greatest sex for you and your partner. Bottoms up, bitches!

First, for all you inexperienced, gay sex is anal sex. That means, a dick goes inside your ass. And if you are the person who takes the dick, then that means you’re a bottom and your partner is a top. Are we all caught up to speed? Great! Moving on. Your anus is a very sensitive area. I mean it takes all of your shit everyday so no wonder why it’s sensitive. I’m funny. But, just because your anus is sensitive, don’t be afraid to explore the realms of possibility when it comes to pleasuring yourself. The first two steps are for the inexperienced. If you’re a dirty, little skank, then move onto step three.

1) If you’re a virgin or curious about bottoming, start by slowly pressing your finger right beneath your balls, or your taint, and move south till you feel your finger enter your ass. Make sure your finger is lubricated – my personal fave is Vaseline because it’s a great starter to sexplore your body. As your finger enters your ass, play around. You can move it inside or just rub the outermost part of your hole – or as I like to call it, your man clit. If it doesn’t feel good, then you’re dead or simply identify yourself a strict top.

2) Once you’ve popped your own cherry, next stop is to brace yourself. For all you virgins, your anus is very tight and small. To get used to having a dick up your ass, you’re going to have to invest in a sex toy. Buy yourself a dildo or a vibrator that is small and slowly work your way up to a size that is not comparable to an Asian penis.

3) Once you’ve experienced something up your butthole, the next thing you have to learn is how to be the best bottom ever. The first step in doing this is learn how to douche. No one wants to fuck a guy with dingleberries. You are now ready to learn how to clean yourself. There are two ways: 1. You can buy a douching kit or 2. You can clean your hole yourself. If you’re the person who wants to go the economically-safe route, then you want to learn how to douche your hole yourself. There is a method that I’ve learned from Bryan Boy when we used to go at it like dogs at the park. When I was fucking him (I’ve been blessed with being versatile), I noticed that his hole was clean as shit – no pun intended. Once I came, I asked him his secret. He told me that he gets a water bottle with a flip-top spout, fills it up with water, and fits it as close as he can to his hole and then squirts water into it. I’m being totally serious. (But, gays, don’t do this if you’re not comfortable – invest in a douching kit otherwise.) After he squirted his hole with water, he would jump around until the water was clear coming out of his asshole. Genius! So do this before you fuck. You don’t want to be known as the “2 Girls 1 Cup” guy. Trust me.

4) Once you’ve cleaned up, the next part is technique. Everyone’s asshole is shaped uniquely so therefore you’re going to have to guide the guy on how to fuck you. First, always use lube (and a condom, of course). Lube is what’s going to keep your ass from chafing. I personally suggest Eros lube, but then again I’m a pretentious fuck. Get KY if all else fails. Once you’re all oiled up like pigs at country fair, you’re ready for penetration. When the guy first enters you, let him poke around and feel you on the inside. The best sex has got to be passionate so let him connect with you. If you don’t have connection or don’t at least act passionate, the sex is going to suffer like Lindsay Lohan’s career. So, after the both of you make a connection, you have got to then act like a prostitute and maneuver your ass and kind of push up on his dick. Next stop after connecting and passion, is dirty and raunchy. You have got to do your dance on his dick – to quote Tyga – or ride his dick until the position feels right. Work his dick into the shape of your rectum and soon everything will feel like euphoria.

5) The minute you learn to back it up on his dick, you and your partner will feel amazing. The fifth step to do now is to work your own penis. Don’t forget about yourself now. As your bouncing back and forth, slowly drop your upper body downward and press your chest onto the bed to where only your ass is in the air. Once you do that, you’ll see that your penis is wedged in between you and the mattress. With your body dropped downward, your ass up in the air, and your torso thrusting back and forth, you’ll notice yourself humping the bed which is incorporating your own penis into the mix. When you got this going, you’ll be ready to cum and so will he. You can always jerk yourself off, too, if you want to. If you’re fucking while standing, you don’t want to be pressed up against a concrete wall and hump that. So, plainly, while the guy is fucking you and you’re riding him like the cowboy you are, you can simply just jack yourself off. Or if you’re turned on your back with your legs in the air, the only option is to jerk yourself off. Duh.

6) TALK DIRTY! Nothing is hotter than hearing the reaction from fucking someone. If you’re not a talker in bed, then at least moan and scream. Do something. Otherwise you’ll be as boring than a Lana Del Rey concert. You can go from saying, “Oh yeah! That’s right! Yeah, baby!” to “OH MY GOD! YES FUCK ME! FUCK ME BABY! DO IT JUST LIKE THAT! YOU LIKE MY TIGHT HOLE? DO ME REALLY DIRTY! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CUM!” Mix it up if you want, but, never, I repeat, NEVER stay silent in bed. That is a major turn-off.

7) Cum. And let him know you’re going to cum. Nothing is sexier than hearing someone say, “Oh my fucking God, you’re going to make me cum.”

8) Reject his phone calls for the next week until he understands that he was just a one night stand and you just needed someone to fuck while your boyfriend was out of town. Okay, I may be personalizing on this one.

Once you follow these steps, that guy is going to want to go to all the marriage equality rallies so that he can legally put a ring on your finger and wife you the fuck up. I know this from first hand experience, I mean, why else do you think the HRC exists?

Smooches.

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