Tag Archives: madonna

6 Ways To Avoid Contacting Your Ex For Sex (NSFW)

I’m horny. Like, really horny. And very much so single. What does a single gay love to do when he’s horny? Call his ex. If you’re a self-respecting gay like myself, you can agree that contacting your ex for sex is totally not a good option. We all have been there and it never works out to our favor. Yes, the sex will be good and yes, his six-pack will feel amazing against your body, but there comes a time that we have to ditch our ex as our go-to for sex because it’s pathetic. Very, very fucking pathetic. Don’t feel alone because I’m going through that right now. Do I want to call up my ex, who I dated for six years of my life that has the most perfect body, to fuck tonight? HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH! Will I feel great afterwards? HELL TO THE FUCK NO. I’m here to help you, my confused friends. I give you my “6 Ways To Avoid Contacting Your Ex For Sex”.

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I’ve been dealing with this issue this whole week after I had a sex dream about my ex. We were riding on a motorcycle (Sounds very Lana Del Rey, right?) and we were naked together and very hot and sweaty. The next thing I remember is pressing my body all over his and feeling his rock-hard, sweaty body against mine. What was that? You’re hard? Yeah, me too. When I woke up from my dream, I couldn’t help but masturbate. Now, every single day I think about calling him at midnight to have him come over and fuck me till I have no more cum. But, ironically, that would be fruitless. What am I supposed to do? I tried googling ways to get over him, but there wasn’t anything for us strong, gay men. So, I used my own advice and created ways to get over him and the best part is, it fucking worked. Here’s how you do it:

1. Delete him from your life

Every now and then when you’re just checking your Facebook or Instagram, you see him. Whether you fucking like it or not or whether you want to or not, he’s right there. You can’t seem to avoid missing him because he just shows up on all your social networking sites. DELETE HIM! Not only do you delete him from your phone, you delete him from everything. Now, careful, he will see that you deleted him as a friend on Facebook or unfollowed him on Twitter, but there are ways to getting around his incessant posts and tweets. Simply, hide him. Facebook has this feature of hiding people from your newsfeed. Do it. My Twitter app on my phone, called Echofon, has a mute option. You don’t want your ex to think that you’re a psycho by deleting him permanently so simply hide him. That way he will think you’re mature for being friends with him via social media and that way you won’t ever see him. It’s the cyberspace version of running the other way in public when you see your ex.

2. Listen to inspiring music

When I mean “inspiring music”, I don’t mean gospel. I mean Madonna’s “Express Yourself” or Pink’s “So What”. You need these empowering songs to keep you from contacting him. These songs, at least to me, make me feel independent and self-reliant on myself to make me happy. Everyone has a song that makes me them feel awesome as shit and so powerful that they can run for president if they wanted to right then and there. Find your song that’s about ripping your ex to shreds. Besides inspiring songs, party songs also help me avoid thinking about my ex. Songs like Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” or Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” seem to do the trick for me. Whatever you do, don’t listen to that bitch Adele. She’ll make you miss him and go crawling back.

3. Exercise hard

If you already don’t exercise regularly, you need to be sent to Milan where they’ll make fun of your obesity and give you an eating disorder. As Elle Woods said it so profoundly in Legally Blonde, “Exercising gives you endorphins. Endorphines make you happy.” Exercising is not only great for the body, but also great for your mind. After my intense step interval or cardio kickboxing classes, I feel alive. I feel great. I feel like I can take on the day. Plus, exercising will help you feel less stressed and keep your body looking fit. You want to keep yourself busy and exercising is a great way. You can spend hours at the gym sculpting every part of your body and not know where the time has gone. Plus, you’ll get great results that will help you landing someone that’s even hotter than your ex. If you don’t want to exercise to keep you from contacting your ex, just please do it for the sake of everyone else that has to look at your cellulite.

4. Party harder

If there’s anything that I don’t do better than fucking, it’s partying. I would say that partying not only is great cardio but also great to keep your mind occupied from thinking about papers, projects, deadlines, or exes. If you want to not contact that certain ex of yours, you’re going to have to start to make plans and keep yourself busy. Get your friends together to get hammered at your local gay bar! If you don’t have any friends, call me. I’m always down to get drunk all the time. Some say I’m an alcoholic but doesn’t everyone drink alone in their room? It’s just when I’m completely drunk and hear my favorite dance song blare in the club, it excites every bone in my body. You need to party if you want to avoid thinking or even contacting that guy. Instead of calling your ex, call one of your friends and make plans.

5. Buy shit you love

Gifts always make people happy. Since you’re probably single and have no one to get you a gift beside your ex, get yourself a gift. Whether it may be some amazing clothes from Urban Outfitters, some greasy fast food from Taco Bell, or even a brand new BMW, do something for yourself that makes you happy. I personally love getting a makeover so I take myself to my favorite spa and get a smashed crystal and sea salt scrub pedicure and an avocado facial. Or you could go on Grindr and get a different kind of facial. Either one works best.

6. Masturbate

Self-explanatory. Here, I’ll help:

Hope this helps. Comment and let me know what you do, bitches.

Smooches.

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I Can Be Religious and Gay – I Worship Madonna Too, You Know

Last Thursday, I decided to have a huge party/orgy in honor of Pitch Perfect debuting in theaters this past weekend. All of my friends came over including Chelsea Handler. Chelsea and I go way back where we used to do crystal meth in downtown L.A. dive bars. The party was happening and people were having a blast, that’s when I saw the cutest guy ever and then realized I had chips and queso right before (I know – shoot me). I asked Chelsea for a breath mint right away and after a while of tasting it, I lost feeling in my tongue, then I remember seeing the room blur and all of a sudden the room became black. Immediately, I thought to myself, “Wow, gays, way to cut right to the chase and get the orgy started…”, but then I found out I was on my kitchen floor. After that, I don’t recall shit. I just woke up and realized that cunt Chelsea roofied me with her Mexican Tic-Tacs. It’s okay, I forgive her. But that’s where I’ve been for the past 5 days.

Anyways…

While I was in my coma, I swear I saw God. Yes, Jesus, herself spoke to me and said, “Come on in, girlfriend!”. I saw a bright light and followed it. Heaven was just like every gay bar I’ve been to – loud and packed with lots of fairies. I thought to myself, “See, I knew I was going to make it past the pearly gates. Being gay is not a sin. Being gay is the way, bitches!” But, then I woke up in my own vomit thus leading me to an epiphany that homosexuality isn’t a sin or an abomination. It’s a gift.

As I was flipping through my e-mails 10 minutes ago, I came across an article from Huffington Post – Gay Voices about being gay and a Christian. Even though I haven’t been to church since they took out the smoking section at my church, I still like to read up about religious beliefs. The article I came across was, “I am a Seventh-Gay Adventist” by some bitch named Eliel Cruz and the article shook me right to the tip of my penis. Somewhere, Kirk Cameron is pissed.

Many of my friends, both gay and straight, are involved in somewhat of an organized religion. Whether it may be an Abrahamic faith to Shintoism, my friends are a religious Benetton ad swirling with different arrays of religious beliefs. But, all their religions usually have one thing in common about homosexuality: it’s not acceptable by any means. Even though my friends and I don’t believe that shit (Especially me since I had a kiki with The Almighty thanks for my overdose), I find it ridiculous that many people living in this day and age still do.

I don’t really get all sentimental and shit, but I just wanted to tell all you homo/sissy boys/in the closet macho men that you are accepted, as you are. Isn’t that what the root of any religion is – loving everyone no matter how different they are from you? Anyways, I suggest you Nancy Boys read this article because I know there is at least one of you who find it difficult to step foot in that church/synagogue/mosque/temple because you’re gay.

And I’ll always love you, no matter how fat and ugly you really are.

Comment and tell me your stance on religion and homosexuality.

Smooches.

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