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I Survived Saint Patrick’s Day 2013 But My Liver Didn’t

If there isn’t any one thing that is more furious with me, it’s my liver. For this gay, Saint Patty’s Day was by all means an epic proportion of everything awesome. Which translates to “I don’t remember shit”. I know I’m posting my Saint Patty’s Day weekend adventures a day late, but you don’t understand the hangover I had yesterday. Saint Patrick’s Day, however, is supposed to be a day commemorating the spread of Christianity to Ireland and I commemorate that by fucking any hot, drunk, straight guy I see. There once was a time when I fucked a straight guy on Saint Patrick’s Day whose name was actually Patrick. Talk about being lucky.

Anyways, my celebration began on a Thursday night where I was eye-fucked and hit on by a girl. I can admit, being hit on by an attractive girl does something to me, but little did she know I was eye-fucking the blonde guy behind her. It just happened that our eyes crossed paths and before I knew it, I was dancing with her. Of course, it was my-ass-to-her-vagina type of dancing, but that didn’t slow me down. I rode her vagina till it was sore. After my friends and I left that bar, we walked right next door to the other bar. This bar was definitely slow-paced due to the fact that there was only about six people in the damn place. As I was ordering my Blue Motorcycle, I caught the eye of a hot guy sitting right next to me. Once the bartender handed me my drink, I heard him speak.

“Hey, that drink looks cool. What are you drinking?”
“Oh, it’s called a Blue Motorcycle. It’s really good!”
“Mmmm. I bet it is…”

After making small talk with him and signing my bill, I turned to my right to finally look into his eyes and have a great conversation with him. Only, when I turned to talk to him, his eye wasn’t looking at me, but yet he was still talking to me. I shifted my vision from looking at his right eye to then looking at his left eye. His left eye was starkly piercing my eyes attentively as I was looking right at it. That’s when it struck me: my future ex-boyfriend was crossed-eyed. He later then caught on to me noticing he was cross-eyed because my eyes would keep changing line of focus from one eye to the next. He then got up and actually left the bar. He was so hot. Sad. Later on after walking to the car from the bar, my friend and I encountered a man who was sitting on railing and then fell flat on his face and ate concrete. My friend and I looked at each other and then around us to see if anyone was going to help, except there was literally no one around but us two and Humpty Dumpty. After realizing that we were the only ones who would have to help this man, we ran over to him to help his drunk ass up. After getting him up, we asked him where his friends were and if he had a cell phone. His response could only be reenacted by Chewbacca and Charlie Brown’s teacher. We soon then left him and let him continue to be a mess and proceeded to go home.

After waking up on Friday with a hangover only a masochist would love, I began to make plans for my night out on the town for that evening. Friday nights have always been my favorite night to party and since it was Saint Patrick’s Day weekend, nothing could top the drink specials. My group of friends made our way to our local bar and decided to ring in the weekend with a bang. This bar had the best drink special I had ever heard: $1 Drinks All-Night. After the bartender told me that, my world all of a sudden became brighter. You know those Claritin-D commercial where they all of a sudden see “Claritin clear”? That’s how it was for me after ordering drinks off a dollar menu. I became a drunk mess within the next hour. As I went to the bar for my 17th drink, the bartender told me he wasn’t serving me anymore. It was right then and there did I have sympathy for Lindsay Lohan because she has had that happen to her countless times and let me tell you something, being cut off from the bar is the worst buzz kill ever. I became furious and insinuated that he was racist, thus calling him a cunt. I walked away and then all of my worries disappeared when I heard the DJ playing “Macarena”. I lost my shit like it was 1996 all over again and twerked harder than Beyonce at The Super Bowl.

On Saturday, I slept throughout the whole day and woke up on Saint Patrick’s Day with my liver and I ready to take on the day. As my friends and I entered our favorite Irish pub, we encountered our friend throwing up his crab dip all over the booth where were about to sit. He had began drinking at 2 p.m. that day and it was currently 9 p.m. that night. Even though we started our Saint Patty’s celebration really late, our friend drank for us. He was spotted by a bouncer and escorted outside. I spotted an old friend of mine at the bar and went over to say hi to her. She and I then decided to do shots of Irish Car Bombs. After that, I slipped into a drunken haze where I ended up ordering two Screwdrivers, a glass of Pinot Grigio, a Natty Light (WTF?), and two Rum & Cokes. I was dancing with more girls than the straight guys and I feel as if the straight guys were applauding me for not being a so-called “pimp” but twerking harder and sexier than all of the girls at the pub. After hours of dancing and smoking cigarettes, I went over to the bar to order another Screwdriver. The bartender ended up giving me the drink for free cause I was hot. If only it was a male bartender. As I was sipping my drink, I turn around and see a a guy giving attitude to my friend. As I walked over there, she kept saying, “No, this is my coat. I don’t know where your coat is. Do you shop at Burberry? I don’t think so…” He then began to spew all this bullshit and saying “FUCK YOU SLUT! FUCK YOU AND YOUR CUNT ATTITUDE!” That’s when the inner diva came out in me and I went up to this big, strong, sexy, angry man and said “DON’T YOU EVER SAY THAT TO MY FRIEND YOU ASSHOLE. I WILL FUCKING TAKE YOU!” I immediately began to adjust my black suede heeled boots in order to fight when the bouncer came up to my hot enemy and took him outside. That was my first time ever getting into a bar skirmish with a straight man. I felt alive. Like any buzz, that alive feeling wore off as soon as I came home and crashed in my bed.

How was your Saint Patty’s Day celebrations? Actually, never mind, I’m exhausted…

Smooches.

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Valentine’s Gay 2013: What Should You Do? (NSFW)

As many of you cunts know, Valentine’s Day is just two fucking days away. All of my friends have been on Grindr more so than ever, grinding hard to get a valentine. But, seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t such a big deal to me. I mean, every night is like Valentine’s Day for me thanks to PornHub (Love you!). I don’t have to worry about buying him candy either and he’s right there, ready to play any fantasy out for me via Internet. As for me, I don’t have to worry about getting my valentine, PornHub, a gift this year cause he’s, you know, virtual, but the rest of you assholes have to get your valentine or boyfriend or “girlfriend” (That goes out to all of the down low breeders reading this) something. Don’t know what to get your valentine for this ratchet holiday? I can help. I give you my “5 What Not To Get/Must Get Valentine’s Day Gifts”!

What Not To Get

1. Candy

As if candy isn’t already damaging to your midsection, but to forcefully give it to your boyfriend is not a good idea. My friend Travis one time gave his former-fatass boyfriend Godiva truffles one year for Valentine’s Day and all of a sudden, his boyfriend relapsed. Three months later he became Carnie Wilson. I think his boyfriend was actually Carnie Wilson. Hmmm. Anyways, don’t do it unless you want to send a message that eating chocolates is sexy. You know what’s sexy? An eight-pack set of abs. If you’re going to get him chocolate, get him P90X to go along with it. Opt out for a bottle of fine wine or absinthe.

2. Cologne

I don’t know what’s more insulting – getting me cologne or telling me my ass stinks like a monkey? Let me just say getting your boyfriend cologne is just plain and utterly tragic. You might as well tell him that he needs to use his enema more often. Cologne could be a nice gesture if you got it for yourself and let your valentine use it on any occasion, but to get him L’Homme by YSL as a Valentine’s Day gift is just a huge NO!

3. Dinner

Dinner = food = shit = dingleberries = shit on condom. You don’t want to be that guy. Instead, eat each other out and call it a night. I wonder how many Weight Watcher’s points ass is? I’ll make sure to ask Jennifer Hudson when I see her.

4. Movie

You know what I hear when a guy asks me out on a date to the movies: “I don’t want to talk to you so I’d rather hear Russell Crowe sing like vacuum in Les Mis for three hours”. Yeah, going to the movies as a Valentine’s Day date was a good idea if you lived during the Prohibition Era. Fuck you if you take someone out to the movies for a date. What do you think this is? An episode of Full House? I repeat, taking a date out to the movies is a thing of the past!

5. Flowers

Nothing warms my heart than seeing a long, red dick. Notice how I said “dick” and not a long, red fucking rose. Flowers die in like a week and why would I want that? If I wanted to be with something that had a week left to live, I would date Hugh Hefner. No flowers and especially none of that Baby’s Breath bullshit. It just gets in the way. Baby’s Breath is the pubic hair of flowers.

What To Get

1. Massage

After a stressful day, your valentine wants to come home to his hot man, oiled up like a pig at a county fair, ready to get every inch of his body engulfed by your fingers and then you do the same to him. Doesn’t that sound erotic as shit? Well I just finished watching a Sean Cody flick that played out this same exact fantasy, but whatever, this massage gift still works. You can either give the erotic massage or hit up some lonely dude up on Grindr and ask him to pleasure the two of you. Anything your man wants and, trust me, he definitely wants this!

2. Thong

You haven’t been slaying for hours upon hours at the gym to just hide your amazing physique in clothes, have you? No, girl, you have NOT! Show your man what he’s been longing to see – you in a thong. Spice things up on Valentine’s Day with thongs and g-strings from your favorite sex shop and give him a night to remember. Valentine’s Day is all about love and let him spray his love all over your body. Oh god, that just made me hard.

3. Bubble Bath

There is nothing more sexy than taking a long, hot tub with your valentine. Just remember to not confuse the bath salts because you don’t want to have Walking Dead in your jacuzzi. Light up some candles, maybe a blunt as well, and get the bubbles bigger than Brent Corrigan’s bubble butt.

4. Sex Swing

Many of you have that common, kinky, gay gene that we cherish oh so much so doing sadomasochistic acts like handcuffing, rough fucking, or even my personal favorite, choking, is something you probably do on the regular when you fuck. Kick it up a notch this year with a sex swing or be prepared to be dumped on Valentine’s Day.

5. Threesome

I bet you’re getting sick of fucking the same guy over and over again and I bet he’s tired of fucking you. Use this loophole of a threesome to switch things up in your monotonous relationship. My favorite strategy to use to get a third person is to use Scruff. Scruff is the new Grindr. Grindr is the Facebook for gays while Scruff is the Twitter. Both amazing but one much fresher.

So here’s to an amazing Valentine’s Day. For all you singles who will be spending it alone, I hope your right hand at least calls you the next day.

Smooches.

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