Tag Archives: weed

What I’m Obsessed With: Amanda Bynes

What’s the first thing you think of when someone says “Amanda Bynes”? Some may say “crazy”, some may say “train wreck”, or some people, like me, would say “BFF”. Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and some might say that she needs help. In my opinion, she doesn’t need help, she needs me. Obviously, I wish she were a little bit more stable than she is right now cause I read somewhere that her credit card got declined at a salon, but other than that, she seems like a good time. We all have an Amanda Bynes in our group of friends, and if you don’t know who that is, then look in the mirror cause it’s most likely you.

Amanda Bynes has all the good making in being my BFF:

She makes me laugh.

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She does drugs.

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She’s a whore.

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And she makes me look like I have it all together. Watch:

Amanda, if you’re reading this, let’s go to rehab together.

Smooches.

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Lena Dunham: Best Hunty In A Comedy Series

If there isn’t one thing I’m more obsessed about than manscaping, it’s motherfucking Lena Dunham. Lena is probably the epitome of every gay man out there – a hipster bitch who is overly compulsive about losing weight. One of my friends actually knows Lena and went to Oberlin with her (true story). One time she went to her house and got so high that they filmed this dinky little film called Tiny Furniture. When my friend learned about how Lena took all the credit for the film, my friend got pissed. I, on the other hand, applauded Lena because that’s what I would’ve done. I would’ve seized the opportunity of a lifetime and made a hit movie. That’s what all adventurous women do. Cue the hi-hat.

"Girls" creator and actress Lena Dunham poses with the award "Girls" won for Best Televison Series, Comedy or Musical at the 70th annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills

Like every gay and closeted man out there, I watched the Golden Globes this past Sunday night (P.S. You know who was on my best dressed list? Nicole “I-Was-Once-An-Anorexic-Pill-Popping-Shrew-But-Now-I’m-A-Mature-Upstanding-Citizen-Of-Society-Because-I’m-A-Mother” Richie. Sis was looking on point!). From the homos doing the set design to the in-the-closet lead male actors to Jodie Foster and Richard Gere, the Globes was THE gay place to be. I totally fell in love with Jodie Foster much like how she fell in love with Home Depot the minute she scissored a woman. In all seriousness, she delivered that poignant and beautiful speech with such poise and eloquence. Jodie, shopping at Birkenstock is a must. My treat!

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Anyways, back to Lena Dunham. I literally was giving her a standing ovation when she won for Best Actress in a Comedy Series and when Girls won for Best Comedy Series. That show has given me so much life that I want to thank her by signing her up for Weight Watchers. She is a smart and beautiful woman who is also a HUGE ally for the LGBT community. Lena also has rallied for same-sex marriage legalization, appeared in an Obama campaign, and also has a sister who is an out and proud lesbian.

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Lena is publicly dating Fun.’s hot as fuck guitarist Jack Antonoff and the two are wildly in love. Jack, much like Lena, is also known for his rallying in the gay rights movement by appearing in the NOH8 campaign. Even though they may be in love, the two are not getting married until one major thing happens. Lena said backstage at the Golden Globes: “I don’t want to get married until all gay people can get married.” Three snaps for you, hunty! So happy to have an elegant, influential, and passionate straight ally like yourself, and Jack, to help us fight for gay rights everywhere. Lena, you’re our new fag hag. Now, let’s be gym buddies and start a juice cleanse. What I’m trying to say is put down that donut. Also, hated the season premiere of Girls on Sunday. Love you!

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Smooches.

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Ke$ha Debuts “C’Mon” Music Video – Watch It Here!

It’s a scientific known fact that every gay out there likes at least one Ke$ha song. And even if you say you don’t, I know you do because you can’t escape the irresistible force that is this glitter-pop train wreck. Ke$ha’s latest album, Warrior, includes many hits including one of my all-time favorite Ke$ha party jams – “C’Mon”. Check out the music video below!

The video starts out with Courtney Stodden – I mean Ke$ha – Naomi-ing into her job all late as fuck (Trust me, I’ve done the same thing) with her boss, Ri¢hard (How clever), being all up her ass and harassing her. For some reason, I also saw “420” somewhere written but then again I’m high as fuck. Then some old man, who looks like the same old man from Grindr who incessantly messages me everyday at 2:43 a.m., is demanding for some coffee while being a total vagina about it.

Courtney – errr Ke$ha – has had enough with her job and the bullshit so she quits and walks out. She is then sitting on the bench outside when some Back To The Future looking car comes, which is driven by a guy in a cat suit, to rescue her from her mayhem. Then, it’s a glitter party that so references to drugs and her psychedelic sense of style. That’s it.

The End.

Even though one of the lyrics from the song is “I don’t wanna go to sleep, I wanna stay up all night“, I most definitely fell asleep during this music video because it was so unoriginal. Or it could be because I took one too many bong hits. Either way – FAIL!

That Ke$ha has some serious “creativity”. Like, c’mon Ke$ha, stop ripping off your other music video “Your Love Is My Drug” by just changing the hues and contrasts to produce a new music video. I see you, girl. Great song, horrible music video.

What do you cunts think?

Smooches.

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5 Most Essential Gay Items for Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane Sandy is coming, my east coast gays. And she is pissed! Most of you fags are off school/work which means she’s not a complete cunt, but still a bitch nevertheless. And because this hurricane is coming our way, that means that your power will most definitely go out. How are you going to watch the new episode for The New Normal? Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, I am furious cause this bitch also fucked my plans of fucking all these hot Grindr guys at 3:30 a.m. But, if I learned anything from my last encounter with a hurricane (and I’m not talking about the drink), it is to be prepared. So, for all you gays that are frantically wondering what you are going to do with no power for at least three days, I give you my “5 MOST Essential Gay Items for Hurricane Sandy”! Here they are:

1. Movies

Make sure your MacBook Pro is fully charged, bitches. Since the power is sure to go out, that means no WiFi which means, brace yourself, NO GAY PORN. Oh, the huMANity! To avoid jacking off to your ex-boyfriend’s abs and going down memory lane, be sure to have the best gay movies around you to keep you satisfied. My favorite three movies that give me all the pleasure I’ll need are Crazy Stupid Love, Brokeback Mountain, and, of course, Magic Mike. Crazy Stupid Love’s shirtless Ryan Gosling scene, Brokeback Mountain’s Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal’s sex scenes, and every scene from Magic Mike are what I only watch those three movies for. Just make sure you have a lot of tissues nearby.

2. Drugs/Alcohol

Seriously, you need that shit even when it’s bright and sunny outside. Now that the next couple of days will be like living in the 1800s, you need to have some guilty pleasures to help you remember your life is amazing and not dark like the room you’ll be sitting in. What better way to blackout in a blackout? DRUGS! I always keep an emergency pack of Marlboro Lights’s in my bedside table and a bottle of emergency Grey Goose in the trunk of my car. I, also, make sure I make a quick run to my drug dealer right before a hurricane to pick up some fresh pot. Whenever there’s a flash of lightening, I take a shot of vodka, and then whenever there’s a clap of thunder, I take a hit of grade-A weed from my bowl.

3. Lube

If you don’t already keep an extra bottle of lube in your bathroom, regardless of a storm, then you are just plain stupid. How else are you going to masturbate to your Magic Mike, Crazy Stupid Love, or Brokeback Mountain scenes? If you don’t have lube right now, go run to your nearest convenient store and get it. Now, bitch, NOW!

4. Fully-Charged iPod

I know you’ve listened to Lady Gaga’s Electric Chapel a million times already and what better way to explore some new great music than when you’re trapped in your home during a cunty hurricane? Make sure your iPod is currently charging and go and buy some great new albums that just dropped recently. My top 3 new albums for gays to listen to during your power outage and your high are as follows: Taylor Swift’s Red, Ellie Goulding’s Halcyon, and Iggy Azalea’s TRAPGOLD. Favorite song from Red is “22”, from Halcyon is “Figure 8”, and TRAPGOLD is “Demons”. Download Iggy Azalea’s album, TRAPGOLD, for free by clicking here.

5. Beauty/Spa Products

Now that you have like 2 days of total free time, what better way to spend it than keeping up with your manscaping? Some things that I always work on during a power outage are shave my pubes, wax my ass/asshole, trim my body hair, shape my facial hair, shave my unwanted facial hair, give myself a mani/pedi, avocado facial mask, and shape my eyebrows. These things are a must, especially before an all-night fuck session, so might as well get them all done and over with. Plus, the spa treatments are a great way to spoil yourself and enjoy what matters most in life – great skin!

Hope you all are going to stay safe during the storm. And to all my west coast gays who don’t have this problem of power outages and near-death experiences because of a hurricane named Sandy – FUCK Y’ALL!

Smooches.

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Lady Fatass or Baby Goo-Goo?

Take a look at this…


No, that’s not Rosie O’Donnell. That’s our gay icon, Lady Gaga.

Pause…

Is anyone else surprised that this bitch has ballooned into a fucking cow? So not chic. But, besides the fact that she’s obviously gained weight, there’s a conspiracy going around Hollywood saying Mother Monster is actually pregnant. I really hope she is cause that cellulite is foul.

Lady Gaga was photographed in Amsterdam during a concert by a fan when everyone spotted the pop star looking a bit heavier. That’s 25 pounds bit heavier. Or in gay world 500 pounds bit heavier. Lady Gaga has been covering her weight gain or secret pregnancy with her outrageous outfits and even was reported saying to Elvis Duran during an interview last month stating:

“I’m dieting right now, because I gained, like, 25 pounds. And you know I really don’t feel bad about it, not even for a second. I have to be on such a strict diet constantly. It’s hard because it’s a quite vigorous show, so I tend to bulk up, get muscular, and I really don’t like that. So I’m trying to find a new balance.”

But, one can only wonder – Is there another reason for her weight gain? Former fatass, Kelly Osbourne, thinks there is. In an interview with the fabulous talk show host Alan Carr (Thanks for not replying to my text, Alan… Cunt.), Kelly says, “I think she [Lady Gaga] is pregnant because she has been covering up this part of her body recently and I have been noticing that a lot, and her style has changed and you can’t bleach your hair blonde when you are pregnant.”

I don’t know what to think because Lady G is Italian after all and everyone knows how much they love their complex carbohydrates. I just hope she’s really not pregnant because she was snapped doing this later during her Amsterdam concert:


This explains how she gained 3,000 pounds – from the munchies, clearly. The music industry cannot take another fat pop super star. Somewhere, Adele is stress eating right now.

So, questions: Lady Gaga – pregnant or fat? Comment below, gays, and tell me what you think.

Smooches.

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